You and Your Quirky Kid

The girl who wears her clothes inside out, the boy who loves plumbing. What parents and experts say about the children who just don't fit in.

By Lorraine Ali | NEWSWEEK

From the magazine issue dated Sep 17, 2007

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Discuss

Posted By: quintabelina @ 11/16/2008 9:53:39 AM

Comment: My son couldn't get along in middle school and asked too many questions, when they went unanswered he was termed "a problem" and other problems ensued; in high school he thought his classmates were stupid and only thought of having brand clothes and superficial things while he was into advanced IT projects, writing and got along more with adults, it was clear he was very intelligent but had social problems; when we moved to Mexico, he started and online high school and was able to devote more time to his computer stuff and seemed happier too, adults all around us enjoy his company and are impressed with his range of interests and vocabulary, he writes beautifully. He still has no interest in other kids and usually hangs out with adults. As a mother I worry he's missing his teen years, he's now 17, but then I think back on mine and I figure he will be ok. He is a wonderfully gifted person with a great heart and when we are able to travel, he does his homework and can explain the difference in technique of the great masters, has his favorites, loves museums, cooks well and is my Sous Chef (I am a Chef) and enjoys things most kids do not, yet alternative rock and the Beatles are there... His school didn't know what to do with him, kept him back, labeled him, gave him bad grades and made him feel inadequate. I am sure he will be a wonderful adult and will contribute positively to our world, how can you say these special kids are "not normal"? What is normal anyway? I don't think the measuring stick is way off, we must be open to all paths that lead to growth and human development and not shut out those that don't fit the "pattern", it's unfair, unkind and causes emotional scars that are unnecessary for all involved.
Posted By: ckpeck @ 10/18/2008 9:51:56 AM

Comment: I was a quirky kid and I have quirky kids. For me it was that by the age of 11, both my mother and a step-mother had died and in 6th grade my beloved grandmother died. My household expanded to step brother and sisters that didn't want to be there and I didn't understand what was going on. I knew I was loved, was never abused nor neglected, but my father grieved not only for his wives, but for the odd childhood I was having to endure. My grief manifested itself in quirky behavior which my step-siblings and classmates were quick to point out.

For my own children, panicked trips to Children's Hospital with a baby blue and limp from eating rice cereal and ER docs scratching their heads, "Gosh, I've never seen anything like this before." lead us on a journey of specialists and occupational therapy. A diagnosis of Sensory Defensiveness and the subsequent 'brushing' therapy allowed our underweight little girl to begin eating normally. My boy was born hydrocephalic and his brain and his body don't talk well to each other. Each big skill like walking or toilet training was greatly delayed, but they did come in time. His peers are baffled why he can't pump a swing or ride a bike at nearly 7, but we know that he will gain these skills when his mind and body start talking about it. I'm just delighted he can spit toothpaste in the sink now! His gross motor is delayed, but oh, his mind! He is easily 2 years+ advanced of his peers cognitively and verbally. He can carry on conversations about science, history or politics. He is an advanced and quick reader and draws conclusions that are astounding while even listening to song lyrics.

For both kids our great answer has been to be enrolled in a schooled-at-home Virtual Academy. Both can work at their own pace and while still having a socially busy life, do not have to battle with the schoolyard issues. I am excited to see who they will be as adults! Quirky kids are awesome!
Posted By: cegerber5036 @ 09/11/2008 2:39:33 PM

Comment: Thank you so much for this wonderful piece. I too have a son who falls in this category. I will definitely say that it has its challenging moments but the sum of all of it is that he is my heart and soul. I can not believe that I helped to create this little man.
Posted By: ghkcole @ 12/27/2007 4:08:12 PM

Comment: I could have written this story myself about my son, a 3 1/2 year old who misses each milestone by a step and a half, then meets it the minute you think he won't, but adds a new "quirk" right about the same time. My article might have been longer, and included sections on parental issues such as guilt and financial stresses, but it would have had pretty much the same take -- my kid is different, but does that really have to be so dire? I mean, our school seems completely freaked out by him. As his exhausted mother, I certainly can empathize that he is a demanding child, but I also happen to teach at the school he goes to, and have for 12 years -- I've taught lots of demanding, exhausting children. I always thought it came with the territory. Some days are harder than others, and I eagerly seek a diagnosis with the admittedly naive hope that it will come with some help, guidance, solutions.... other days, like ones on which my boy meets some previously elusive milestone, I think, give me a break, he's a weird kid and I'm cool with that. Do I really need to spend every spare dollar, minute, vacation day, and bit of head space consulting every OT, PT, psychologist and developmental pediatrician in town just to confirm that, yep, he's a quirky boy alright? Aren't things tough enough already?
Posted By: perm3800a @ 10/31/2007 3:39:30 PM

Comment: Once upon a time, eccentrics were either burned at the stake or venerated as the town character. Then we all decided that we wanted to live in a giant suburb where everyone and everything was the same and put labels on the folks who didn't match, much like home owner associations deciding the appropriate color for garage doors.

Bentley thinks three dimensionally. This is one reason why he can build complex things but has problems with math (which tends to be linear, until you get to trig, anyway.) He needs an integrated approach. Perhaps some of those computer disks that let you walk through Notre Dame Cathedral along with showing the equations that describe the supportive force of a flying buttress? For reading, try "How Things Work" and other such books that render the three dimensional into words. Let him 'act out' word problems when doing his homework - use a few toy cars and some blocks to workout "A car leaves town center heading north and turns right after four miles. Another leaves town center heading south and turns left after four miles. After an additional eight miles of travel, each car makes a right turn and travels one mile. How far apart are the two cars?"

The jokes thing will get better. I know I could never understand puns as a child, even though I read at a college level by age 11. I get them, now, though still don't find them funny! You can play role playing games with him where you play the robot and he has to work out what you mean without any signals except the words, you play a mime and he has to work out the meaning without hearing any words, etc. to teach him how to key in on things. Over time, he will acquire 'protective coloration' where he will learn to appear as if he is interested and listening to others and make appropriate social noises. It might not happen until his thirties, though!

I would recommend giving him bigger 3D projects that require him to climb and lift and balance to encourage him to get more exercise and I would also suggest that you discourage him from satisfying his need for sensory stimulation with food. Food is an amazing stimulator: smells good, feels good in the mouth, provides a comforting heaviness in the abdomen, prov ides the perfect excuse for not conversing or making eye contact with others...what a crutch! But it can cripple over time by decreasing heart function, lung function, desensitising the body to insulin and clogging the arteries. A good scramble through a maze or up a rock wall.

You might also consider getting Bentley a dog. Learning to read the dog's facial expressions and what the dog wants or needs when a dog can't speak may help Bentley better communicate with his peers.At age nine, he is old enough to be responsible for the care, walking and feeding of a dog. Walking the dog will also help walk off some of the excess calories from his passion for food!
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Posted By: gardnerreb @ 10/25/2007 6:25:28 AM

Comment: I have been trying to "peg" my son's quirky behaviors since toddler years. Bentley is 9 and when we go anywhere, he talks about architecture and details about building and when in Target, wants to go wee the coffee maker and washing machines before the Knex toys(the only toys he likes, besides legos) . He can draw in perspective and has sinne age 4. He struggles in Math, especially word problems. He is so sweet, sensitive and does not pick up on some social things, sarcasm, jokes and sometimes says things that cam be "rude" to the average person. His intentions are quite the oppposite. He loves family and food. He is a bit overweight, and i am sure he gets teased, but does not always see or pick up on the poiniting and laughing. He has 3 step siblings whom are great w/ him, they like all siblings don't always want him aroung, but they get him and always allow him to just be. My heart aches for him, and i wnat to build his confidence for this sometimes difficult and harsh world all kids learn to live life , I struggle w/ my "selfish" mother way of he needs friends and to get involved, when Benltey says to me " I don't want friends"....I want to start a meet group or discussion group for kids and parents w/ same lifestyes as my family...anyone can help or offer any wisdom I would love it. Rebecca Asheville NC regardner@hotmail.com
Posted By: gardnerreb @ 10/25/2007 6:24:05 AM

Comment: I have been trying to "peg" my son's quirky behaviors since toddler years. Bentley is 9 and when we go anywhere, he talks about architecture and details about building and when in Target, wants to go wee the coffee maker and washing machines before the Knex toys(the only toys he likes, besides legos) . He can draw in perspective and has sinne age 4. He struggles in Math, especially word problems. He is so sweet, sensitive and does not pick up on some social things, sarcasm, jokes and sometimes says things that cam be "rude" to the average person. His intentions are quite the oppposite. He loves family and food. He is a bit overweight, and i am sure he gets teased, but does not always see or pick up on the poiniting and laughing. He has 3 step siblings whom are great w/ him, they like all siblings don't always want him aroung, but they get him and always allow him to just be. My heart aches for him, and i wnat to build his confidence for this sometimes difficult and harsh world all kids learn to live life , I struggle w/ my "selfish" mother way of he needs friends and to get involved, when Benltey says to me " I don't want friends"....I want to start a meet group or discussion group for kids and parents w/ same lifestyes as my family...anyone can help or offer any wisdom I would love it. Rebecca Asheville NC regardner@hotmail.com