Tune In, Turn On

Life
NBC, 10:00 ET, premieres Sept. 26
The pilot of NBC's new cop show "Life" tells us quite a bit about its main character, Charlie Crews (Damian Lewis.) He was a promising young cop before being framed for a triple homicide. He served 12 years in prison—practically a death sentence when the inmates know you used to carry a badge—before a hot hotshot lawyer (Brooke Langton) got him out. The state awarded him a $50 million settlement for his trouble, not to mention restoring his status as a cop. He's paired with Dani (Sarah Shahi), a by-the-book cop who is skeptical of Charlie's intuitive policing. But there's a vital question that the pilot fails to answer about Charlie: was he an insufferable jackass before his incarceration, or did he become one behind bars?

It probably doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Whether it's by nature or nurture, Charlie is one of the most irritating television characters in recent memory, and not someone you'd like to spend more than an hour with. He's of the grandstanding, know-it-all variety of television cop, except that he doesn't know it all—he's been in jail for more than a decade, after all, and the show leans hard on his Rip van Winkle ignorance. "What's an IM?" he earnestly asks his partner. "Is it like e-mail?" Added to this, Charlie apparently read "The Way of Zen" when he was locked up, and he goes around spouting Buddhist catch phrases, at least when he's not busy bedding hotties and buying luxury sedans, as should a guy with a $50 million windfall. He's equal parts Robert Goren (Vincent D'Onofrio's psychotic detective from "Law and Order: Criminal Intent"), Swami Muktananda and nouveau riche.

Charlie spends the hour chewing scenery and solving a completely uninteresting case, but later we find out his true motive: he wants to figure out who framed him. I'd like to find out too. That guy deserves a steak.

Private Practice
ABC, 9:00 ET, premieres Sept. 26
The question on the minds of every "Grey's Anatomy" fan: is "Private Practice," Kate Walsh's new spinoff, as bad as last season's backdoor pilot suggests it is? Yeah, pretty much. The first episode of "Practice" picks up right where the "Grey's Anatomy" episode left off, which is to say with the wrong tone, the wrong jokes, but most of all, the wrong Addison. The take-no-prisoners Dr. Addison Montgomery from Seattle Grace apparently died somewhere in Oregon, because by the time she's finished with her road trip to Los Angeles to join the holistic Oceanside Wellness Group, she's a changed woman.

In fact, she's practically Ally McBeal—boy-crazy, baby-crazy, just plain crazy. Even her reason for fleeing to Los Angeles in the first place is suspiciously out of character. She lives because McSteamy rebuffed her attempt to form a relationship with him? C'mon, Addison! Isn't she the one who came to Seattle Grace and marked her territory, despite the fact that her estranged husband was already working there and dating an intern? Addie, this isn't you. When we join Addison she's dancing around her new house nude, footloose, fancy-free and always up for a pratfall. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Tonally the show is to "Grey's" as "Boston Legal" is to "The Practice," a goofier, less grounded version of the original. Its idea of humor is naming the resident psychiatrist Violet (Amy Brenneman). Get it? Shrinking Violet? 'Cause she's a shrink? Is this thing even on? Its idea of romance is having Addison argue with alternative-medicine specialist Dr. Pete (Tim Daly) about whether she relocated to Los Angeles because they briefly made out once. (The worst part: he says she did, and we're tempted to believe him.) "Private Practice" is like a seven-car pile-up of Bentleys, Jaguars and Maybachs. Lots of talented actors tangled in the wreckage of what will likely go down as another one of those failed spinoffs. So much for trying to strike while the iron's hot.

Dirty Sexy Money
ABC, 10:00 ET., premieres Sept. 26
Let's face it: with a title like "Dirty Sexy Money," it's more a matter of finding reasons not to watch it. Who wouldn't want to watch a show called "Dirty Sexy Money"? It would be appetizing enough if the cast didn't include Peter Krause, Jill Clayburgh, Donald Sutherland and William Baldwin. But with that delicious, come-hither title and that cast, why wouldn't you dip your toe in the pool?