Let’s Talk About Sex

Sex doesn't seem to get any simpler as we get older. And it's no wonder. As humans we're in somewhat uncharted territory when it comes to making love for fun, not procreation. Only a few hundred years ago people weren't having all that much sex into their 50s and 60s for the simple reason that they didn't usually live much longer than 45 years. With life expectancies now closer to 80, we're redefining what sex is for half our lives. And, say the experts, sometimes that means learning to find satisfaction with the body you have, not the body you wish you still had.

To find out what boomers are asking—or not asking—about sex, we spoke to Carol Ellison, Ph.D., a marriage therapist and sex educator in Loomis, Calif.

I'm embarrassed about being naked now that I'm older. How do I get over this?
"I talk to people who say they don't want their partner to see them unclothed because their bodies are changing. But we're often more concerned with our bodies than our partners are. Of course, there are some people who are very caught up in looks, but the key is to accept these changes and ask yourself, 'How do I create wonderful sexual experiences with the body I have now?'"

It seems to take longer for me to get turned on now. Should I worry?
"Many people come to me and say, 'My body's changing and I can't seem to do sex quite the old way. I don't become aroused so instantly.' This can be true, but the main question to ask yourself is not 'Why is this taking so long?' but 'Am I enjoying it?' 'Is this an intimate pleasurable experience?'"

What if my partner doesn't seem to want sex as much I do?
"Often someone may start avoiding sex because of performance anxiety. A lot of sexual difficulties are based in that idea that successful sex is about manufacturing an orgasm. My definition of successful sex is creating mutual erotic pleasure. There's nothing that says it has to be a particular response."

How do I know when it's time for that little blue pill?
"Worrying about getting an erection can exacerbate the problem. I think [erectile dysfunction medication] is a good idea when performance pressure gets in the way—when a man is paying more attention to his performance than his partner."