Your Child Was Out Of Line

By Kathleen Deveny | Newsweek Web Exclusive
Updated: 12:52  p.m. ET Oct 14, 2007

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  • Posted By: T.Hurlock @ 10/16/2007 6:02:06 PM

    Americas children are in dire need of discipline. I vividly remember the day when corporal punishment existed in the school system. Children of those generations were different as a result of being held accountable for their actions in and out of the home. New fangled parenting styles which disbar the use of virtually any type of punishment are clearly ineffective for raising accountable adults.

    • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 11/05/2007 3:30:57 PM

      Let me make one position quite clear. Be the person liberal or conservative, Christian or Jew, ANY individual who raises a hand to my child will be beaten within an inch of their lives. No one EVER has the right to use force against another for speaking their mind, especially against a child.

  • Posted By: myjoy @ 10/16/2007 6:28:18 PM

    Say somththing to many kids today, you are apt to get a real earfull! I hate to say it, but because so many children are left in day care instead of "parent care", these children are not learning what past generations have about family values, courtesy and such. I worked for 5 years in day care and Mother's Day Out and also as a public school, substitute teacher for 4 years. The disrespect and bullying I saw on a daily basis made me sick!! If you said anything to the parents, they were angry at you.
    So, how do you change the attitude of so many? I have my ideas, but most people aren't willing to do what it takes (two parent families; one of the parents stays home to raise the children (or only works part time while the children are at school... not working before they are school age) or are unable to do what it takes because of financial constraints.....which is another story altogether. Society has changed and all you can do is teach your child to be respectful and considerate without expecting the same from other parents and children.

    • Posted By: vf98 @ 10/31/2007 1:36:12 AM

      You are sadly mistaken if you think that being a stay-at-home parent is the quick fix answer to what ails our children. I am a mother of two elementary schoolers, and both my husband and I work full time, but both of our children have been raised to know the correct way to act. They are aware that courtesy and respect for others is expected, and that being attuned to the feelings of those around them is essential to being happy themselves. And yet, they spend every afternoon, Monday to Friday, at after school care! How is that possible? We teach by example, and make sure that we are as quick to praise as we are to scold. We are involved with their activities, and at the same time we involve them in discussions about serious topics such as homelessness, poverty, and race/gender issues. The result is two kids who are enthusiastic in their pursuits and genuinely care about their peers and those less fortunate than they are. At the same time, many of their peers have moms who do not work and stay home full time, but are the brattiest, most self-centered monsters you can imagine. I argue that it is quality, not quantity, that makes the difference.

  • Posted By: PsiCop @ 10/15/2007 11:46:18 AM

    Deveny says it all in this one sentence: "During the past 15 or 20 years, however, we have become less likely to discipline even our own children, and bristle when others try." Sometime during the 80s, something happened to parenting in the US. We decided that limits ... any limits ... on kids' behavior are "bad." We decided that "letting kids be kids" was more important than raising children with discipline. We are seeing the results of this lack of discipline even now. The next generation after them, will be even more out-of-control. If you think kids are generally bratty now, just wait another 10 or 20 years ... it will be ten times worse. And the whole country will suffer for it.

    • Posted By: damon_sandiego @ 10/30/2007 12:19:09 AM

      Very good comments, PsiCop, and so very much too the point. I opt for getting back to parenting the way I was raised: less government interference, and more parental influence! From the local police, the school board, the county office of child protection, to the Supreme Court, enough is enough.

      Parental abuse does exist, and it should be quelled in the strongest way possible. But to blanket a whole society and/or a whole culture based on those bad examples has left our parental fabric badly worn, torn, and forlorn

    • Posted By: nettie @ 10/16/2007 3:34:05 AM

      I believe that the first thing we all must realize is that discipline is not synonomous for punishment. When you are with other people and other children it can be a very good thing to explain things and expectations to children. My belief is that children misbehave mostly because they don't know better., sometimes a neighbor or friend is ale to teach that to a child in a different way that the parents. We also need to keep in mind that we make mistakes also and the sky doesn't fall on us immediately. Children should be treated with respect and in turn they learn to treat others with respect. They need to know that there are limits on behaviors, but they need to know what those limits are and what options they have. I would not like someone slapping my child for something. I was sitting in church by a friend at one time, my baby was on the ground in front of me, she immediately went for my friends purse, my friend reached out so quickly, before I could move there to interest her in the toys she had, and slapped my daughters' hand. This did not settle well with me. I think that if you have a problem with how someone disciplines your children you should talk to them and explain your feelings and ask them to butt out.

  • Posted By: damon_sandiego @ 10/30/2007 12:11:02 AM

    Let's take this whole discussion a few steps further.
    Why do we hear so much profanity in public?

    Why do teens (and now even pre-teens) grope each other, kiss fervently and grind against each other in school hallways, on bus stops and in the mall?

    Why do we see so many sagging waistlines, plunging necklines, revealing clothing, exposed flesh and near-nakedness?

    Why do children lock horns in a physical fight as traffic whizzes past them?

    Why do toddlers get away with hitting their own parents and loudly shrieking, "No" when they're being told to do something they don't want to do?


    All of these things happen because we as adult fail in our responsibility to teach, guide, correct and direct. It's in a child's nature to test the limits of proper conduct, and that testing extends itself more visciously outside of the home than inside it. These rebellious and never-been-taught-the-right-way children grow up to legal age, have children of their own (usually before they're ready for it), and pass these bad traits along the twigs of the family tree.

    In my opinion, we, collectively, have gone soft on parenting to the point that raising children has become a lost art. I'm in my mid-forties, and to this day, I will not raise my voice to my mother, curse at her (or even in her presence), defy her authority or disrespect her. This is not a new attitude in me; it was instilled from such a young age that I can't even remember its first lesson. Children aren't being raised these days, they're simply being allowed to grow (physically, but not mentally, emotionally, spiritually or pyschologically).

    This trend has gained far to much momentum to be stopped or reversed now. Any parent who dares to discipline their child, in public or in private, is labelled an abuser, threatened with legal action, and sanctioned more stringently than an actual criminal.

    P.S. I learned at a young age that in its proper definition, the word 'discipline' means "to teach". Food for thought.

  • Posted By: Mediamama @ 10/25/2007 10:24:25 AM

    When I was growing up it was perfectly acceptable and okay for another parent to let kids know the error of their ways--and I really don't see why this tradition has to stop. Sometimes, kids need to hear from other people that their actions are wrong. That little boy who made the comment about "too many Chinese" around, may have gotten his smug comments from his parents. And if that's the case, you really can't expect his parents to say something about it. I don't agree with spanking other people's children--although some kids really need it. Forget about a time out. As parents, the action that we should take in the very LEAST is to make another parent aware of what we observed or heard in a non judgmental way.

  • Posted By: imjustsayin @ 10/22/2007 10:04:21 PM

    Your story is heartbreaking, and every parent, no matter the context, feels a visceral anger when someone insults/targets your child. I'm not sure if this is really a question of parental discipline. That little sh*t offended your child, and you need to confront and challenge him on that. And if a parent6 had a problem with that, let him.her answer as to why their little imbecile so effotlessly made a racist statement. obviously, you're not going to hit him (although he needs to get his a** kicked sooner or later), but letting him know that you've heard him and confronting this present and would be bigot/bully may be the only way to get to him. It's clear he wanted to play the tough guy in front of his friends; well, let's see how tough he is. You would hope that kids and adults have more integrity and class than that, but it's pretty clear that that isn't the case in the society in which we live. Sometimes, they need to be challenged themselves.

  • Posted By: catnichols @ 10/18/2007 9:39:41 AM

    It's one thing when children are loud and obnoxious in public versus being mean and cruel. Regardless of age, I would say something to anyone making a comment like that. I'm very tired of obeying the rules necessary for a civilized community while some break them and no one takes them to task. Who knows, maybe a comment coming from a stranger might have more impact than from their parents, assuming they care.

  • Posted By: Franklin99 @ 10/16/2007 6:30:50 PM

    I've seen the opposite and its just as disturbing. At a playground, a little boy (3) was pushing and running and climbing over people. His father was watching him but didn't say anything. She climbed over my 2 and a half year old as she was climbing a ladder and I didn't say anything except to my daughter- that sometimes people don't understand they're not suppossed to do something. The moment a bigger kid (probably no older than 7) pushed is way in front of this kid on the slide- the boy's father started saying things like - that's not nice- he's only 4. He doesn't understand (apparently this incident was in response to an earlier incident). He kept saying to the other larger boy how much bigger he was and on and on. I wanted to yell at the father and say "Why yell at him and not at your own kid for pushing and shoving and basically showing poor manners all around?"

    My point is parents, in my experience, aren't oppossed to the idea others providing discipline. I think they are more attached to the idea that their children are better behaved, or victims of, or innocent bystanders to other poorly behaved children. Based on that belief- there should be no situation in which a stranger would have to discipline their child and if by some crazy reason a stranger was disciplining their child- then they must be wrong or crazy or probably both.

    Parents all should discipline their own kids and stop thinking their children are better people then they are. I'm sure they're cute and special but they are also new at life and life requires lots of lessons.

  • Posted By: dogman @ 10/16/2007 10:13:12 AM

    There is a moral responsible to help children distinguish between right and wrong. Yes, the child may not have know what he was saying, that is where adults step in. If children get away with antisocial actions without any kind of reproach, they will assume there is nothing wrong and everything right. And it may help you sleep at night to think your daughter did not hear what was said but chances are if you heard it, she did too. Yes, it is easy not to get involved. It is easier to let someone get mistreated even abuse then to redirect the threat towards oneself. Yeah, you may have cause a stink, but at least your daughter would know it is wrong to mistreated her in this way.

    • Posted By: str8line @ 10/16/2007 5:20:41 PM

      Great post Dogman, I agree!

  • Posted By: str8line @ 10/16/2007 5:18:12 PM

    I will continue to speak out when I see a child acting in a dangerous/grossly improper manner. Maybe a little "fear of God" is exactly what these kids need. I feel that my own parents didn't do enough to stem the neighborhood teasing /fighting that I was a part of growing up. I wasn't the lead bully, but I look back with regret at some of the things I did. I'm sure if my parents or other parents had stepped up and called all of us kids aside to explain why it's important to "treat others the way you would like to be treated", it would have done some good.

  • Posted By: Gerhardt @ 10/16/2007 9:46:32 AM

    But with so many adults being idiots do you really want your kids reprimanded by any adult that comes along that thinks that your kid was out of line? I was in Target awhile back when a couple was teaching their child (maybe 2 years old?) "Can you say Target's clothes are sh*tty".

    This is merely one symptom of a society's decline.

    • Posted By: dogman @ 10/16/2007 2:26:09 PM

      Gerhardt you are ignoring your own reasoning: these types of parents would laugh at the comment of the racist boy. I think the difference in raising good citizens and interfering in parental relationships is if the behavior is directed towards others outside of the family. And the degree of the infraction. Teaching the boy racism, say something, teaching him to curse at clothes, make a noise.

  • Posted By: lharbina @ 10/16/2007 2:07:18 PM

    The problem I have seen is the Parent in Denial, with the remark, "My child would never/could never/does not /do that." Huh. With how busy parents are these days, it's amazing that any parent would waste their time or temp the ire of another parent to discuss a child's behavior unless it was warranted.
    Guess what Mom and Dad, if you've heard it more than once, THEY DID and WOULD do that.

  • Posted By: Gerhardt @ 10/16/2007 9:45:53 AM

    But with so many adults being idiots do you really want your kids reprimanded by any adult that comes along that thinks that your kid was out of line? I was in Target awhile back when a couple was teaching their child (maybe 2 years old?) "Can you say Target's clothes are sh*tty".

    This is merely one symptom of a society's decline.

  • Posted By: PsiCop @ 10/15/2007 11:43:30 AM

    Deveny said it all in this sentence: "During the past 15 or 20 years, however, we have become less likely to discipline even our own children, and bristle when others try." This is absolutely true. Americans have, for some reason and at some point since the 80s, decided that children are not to be reprimanded. I have no idea why this is the case, and consider it the worst kind of bad idea; children are, after all, children, and need discipline. No one should be raised to think there are no limits on acceptable behavior. But many Americans actually think that limits are "bad." The country will only be the worse because of it, and the bratty behavior will only get worse as successive generations refuse to discipline children.

  • Posted By: jcr1975 @ 10/15/2007 9:17:31 AM

    I am a breand new parent, I am 32 years old and have a 4 month old daughter. Although it will likely not happen for some time yet, I am not in the least opposed to the idea of another adult correcting her. I think that parents need all the help they can get in order to raise a generation that has at least some idea of living with rules, and following them.

  • Posted By: brevinsmama @ 10/15/2007 8:30:57 AM

    I live in a small suburb outside Cumberland, MD. I absolutely love the people here. However, I have noticed that the younger a parent is the more likely they will react poorly to someone "correcting" their little angel. I am 35 and have 2 small children and my friends and I "correct" each other's children all the time and although the kids are not perfect, they are polite. For example, none of the kids would ever walk into someones house without knocking. Seems small, but I bet there aren't many neighborhoods that can say that with true confidence.

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