WHEN MISS MANNERS DISCOVERS CLIP ART

Although the signs tried to be chirpy with their cutesy pictures, Suzanne was not. Her daily uniform was an oversize navy-blue windbreaker. She'd coat her long, curly brown hair with a wet-look gel, so it drooped around her face. These two grooming habits made her look like she was always walking through a rainstorm. She was quiet, too, except for the sound the nylon windbreaker made when she moved.

But I didn't buy her gloomy good-girl act. Anyone who renders the word "please" in 128-point italicized type strips any sense of politeness from the word. Those giant letters were the sound of Suzanne yelling.

At staff meetings, Suzanne stood in the back while we gave updates on our projects. I'd cringe whenever someone would mention an unexpected shortage of blue folders or a missing can opener, because I knew it would result in another 8-by-11-inch proclamation beginning "Please..."

As the summer went on, Suzanne's shouts became more frequent. PLEASE, SQUEEZE OUT SPONGE AFTER USE, cried a clip-art sponge with a row of teardrops beside it. Underneath that was the explanation, "It keeps mold from growing!"

The multiplying signs assumed the worst about me. PLEASE, IF YOU DRINK THE LAST CUP OF COFFEE, MAKE A FRESH POT. PLEASE, CRUSH CANS BEFORE PLACING IN RECYCLING CONTAINER. They fixated on small day-to-day failures. They missed the fact that even if I did leave a sandwich in the refrigerator over the weekend, I finished my work on time. If I had ever had to do CPR on the FedEx guy, Suzanne would probably have made a sign that said PLEASE, BEFORE LIFESAVING, SHUT DOWN YOUR COMPUTER.

Besides, Suzanne's signs missed the big things. One of our top executives, Michael, sold pot from his office. Suzanne never placed a sign there that read PLEASE, OBEY OUR DRUG LAWS, complete with clip-art scales, a blind Justice and little marijuana leaves dancing toward a trash can. Another senior staffer, Chris, was so tight with the city council that he had more power than hundreds of voters. But there was no PLEASE, KEEP YOUR BACKROOM LOBBYING TO A MINIMUM. IT HELPS DEMOCRACY! on his door.