The New Infidelity

At the same time she's so busy she feels constantly out of breath. If she's a professional, she's working more hours than her counterpart of 20 years ago--and trying to rush home in time to give the baby a bath. If she's a stay-at-home mom, she's driving the kids to more classes, more games, more playmates than her mother did, not to mention trying to live up to society's demands of perfect momhood: Buy organic! Be supportive, not permissive! Lose five pounds!

Ironically, the realities of the overprogrammed life make it easier, not harder, to fool around. When days are planned to the minute, it's a cinch to pencil in a midday tryst. And as any guileless teenager knows, nothing obscures your whereabouts better than an Internet connection and a reliable cell phone.

Unearthing infidelity is shattering to any spouse. David, 39, a government worker in Washington, D.C., discovered his wife was cheating the day she told him she wanted a divorce: "Never in a million years did I think it was possible." He found out later she had started seeing someone at work, someone David knew fairly well because the two couples often met socially. Beset by nightmares, he started taking antidepressants. "I felt shame for what had happened, like I couldn't keep a person happy enough to stay with me." Now, eight months later, David is beginning to date again. His divorce should be final this month.

The good news is that the wounds inflicted on a family by a woman's infidelity are not always critical. Therapists say couples often can--and do--get past it. Sometimes the husband sees it as a wake-up call and renews his efforts to be attentive. Sometimes, especially if neither party is too angry, the couple can use it as an opportunity to air grievances. Judith Wallerstein, author of "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," found that an affair did not necessarily damage family life--especially if it fell into the category of a one-night stand. "In good marriages this doesn't dominate the landscape, and the kids don't know," she says. She remembers interviewing a 30-year-old man who said that when he was 9 his mother had an affair, but his father assured him that they would stay together. The man said, "I learned from my father that anything worth having is worth fighting for." When lunch is over and the wine wears off, most women will admit that if they were the prize in a fantasy duel between an imperfect but loving husband and a handsome stranger, they'd root for the husband every time.

WITH VANESSA JUAREZ, HOLLY PETERSON, KAREN SPRINGEN, CLAIRE SULMERS, WILLIAM LEE ADAMS AND RAINA KELLEY

© 2004