HAPPY DIVORCE

Although researchers like Ahrons have known for years that how parents divorce matters even more than the divorce itself, some parents still have trouble not putting their children in the middle of conflict. Two weeks ago a divorced father in Louisiana asked his 9-year-old daughter, Madelyn, what she wanted for Christmas. She presented him with a handwritten list: "1) camera; 2) cheerleader outfit including shoes; 3) stationary [sic] with my name on it." Number four, marked with three big stars: "My mom and my dad to get along and Smom [stepmom]."

Even when parents set aside their negative emotions to give their children a happy holiday, it isn't always easy. The first time Sharyl Jupe hosted Thanksgiving dinner for (deep breath here) her ex-husband Larry Ford, their two teenage children, Larry's wife Jann Blackstone-Ford, Jann's daughter from a first marriage, Larry and Jann's daughter Harleigh and Sharyl's divorced mother and father, the atmosphere was decidedly awkward. Sharyl spent nearly a week agonizing over whether to serve creamed corn. "It wasn't that anyone really, really liked it, but it was a tradition from Larry's family." At first, Jann had a hard time, feeling awkward and a little left out. "It's not that I thought they were going to run off together," Jann says, "but there's a lot of history there." Within half an hour, however, the kids were so animated and cheerful that all the tension melted away. "They were laughing, they were happy," says Sharyl. "They didn't have to run out the door and worry that another parent would be angry that they were late." Jann and Larry relaxed, too. "Kids don't have the issues parents have," says Larry. "They just know that they love everybody." Eventually, Sharyl and Jann not only learned to get along but became close enough friends to coauthor "Ex-Etiquette: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation," which offers techniques for enjoying what they decided to view as a "bonus family."

Although such advice books can reduce the stress of joint holidays, there is still no panacea for the pain of divorce. Randy Fuerst admits that on more than one occasion after he and Susan first split, he slipped away from the table to have a good cry alone in the bedroom, grieving for the irreparable fissure in his family. "You don't long for the other person," he says. "It's about belonging to a whole family... You long for the completeness." Even for amicably divorced people like Fuerst and Susan Arnold, the ghosts of dashed dreams linger.

© 2004