Inside Karen’s Crowded Mind

Hi cindilin-

Please keep looking- there is help and support out there. There are a number of Web message boards for multiple and/or dissociative people including Coping With Dissociative Identity Disorder at ezboard, and Dissociative Disorders, Living Multiple, and Amongst Ourselves, three sites at Yahoo Groups. Search for "Coping" by its name,. and the others at "Yahoo Groups."

There are real-life support groups, like (Incest Survivors Anonymous, a 12-Step group) and support groups run by therapists. Keep your eyes open. Since I/we realized we're multiple, two and a half years ago, we've met six other multiple people! In person and over the phone, through support groups, therapy, and the Web. Four have become friends, of varying degrees of closeness. One, I swear is the best friend we've ever had. We help each other through a lot, and just as important, we enjoy each other's company.

Disclosure of DID to other people is a very tricky question- because of the stereotypes and stigmas. People might be scared of you, or use it against you. I don't know if I'd ever reccommend 'coming out' at work. But careful,limited coming out has been very helpful to us, though sometimes quite painful, when we don't get the reactions we'd like. We have good co-consciousness, good internal love, support and co-operation, good 'people judgement', and are pretty independent-minded. All of which, we think, are important when "coming out.'

Sorry if we got way off-track here. Our main point is, there are other multiple people you can talk to- especially on the message boards, where you can be anonymous.

Good luck, and we're glad you have such a caring attitude toward your "other selves".

-AD21

During my therapeutic years I never knew anyone who suffered with MPD/DID. I never read any info nor reached out for outside help. I tried to hide my condition from everyone and this stressed me. My children were cared for by a few of my alters and my husband knew enough to aggravate my condition. He couldn't comprehend and this eventually led to our divorce. My ex-alters were amazing. Each alter was needed for me to survive. And each alter served an important purpose in my life. It was my alters choice to integrate within me, one at a time, and took over a year. Sometimes I miss the them but realize that they are all within me. I may be "whole" now but I still suffer from the affects that caused me to dissociate in the first place. I believe my system functioned well because all of my alters came to be, in order to help me. MPD/DID is a coping mechanism like no other. While being abused nearly every day as a child, my alters kept most of the trauma fragmented, out of my awareness, so that I could function as if nothing had happened. Sometimes, I question: If I hadn't dissociated would the abuse have stopped? Did having MPD/DID prolong an abusive life? I may never know yet think not. I believe my alters helped me to survive until I was able to deal with the reality of what happened to me. My abusers would've abused me no matter what. They were sick. And I survived in the best way my mind knew how, dissociation. Be patient. It takes a lifetime to heal. I may have integrated all seventeen of my alternate personalities but my journey continues on. For me, the pain never really went away completely, it just has less of an impact than it once did. I wish you well. I wish all of you well. Do the best you can each day and one day you'll start to feel the weight lift off your shoulders as I did. Just believe in yourself and remember how creative your mind is to develop MPD/DID. It takes intelligence to survive and cope with being abused in this way. At least, this is what I believe.

Many thanks to Newsweek fof having the insight to adress MPD/DID. This is a subject that needs to be in the public eye so there can be more understanding on the subject. Thank you for your very public piece. I know there has to be so much more to your pain and your story. I am so sorry you had to endure all you did. That never should have happened to you. If you hadn't been abused there would be NO multiples! I am speaking as a survivor in the thick of recovery. I've uncovered 47 alters to date and there are more crying out, we just can't reach them yet . We will we have to, for they to deserve a place, a voice to be heard even if it is only but one time and by me. I feel a desperation to conect with someone like me who really understands and yet there is noone... I grasp at all the printed info that is out there. Currently there is very little so I thank you so very much from one survivor to another. I wish there were a way to connect. It's a very lonely road to travel even with all the voices inside. I am so very happy for you and your success! Sincerly, Cindilin

Have you read the book this discussion originally started with? "Switching Time" by author, Richard Baer M.D.? If so, what did you think of "Karen's" story? Her story and therapy has been documented for a period of over sixteen years. Although there will always be skeptics, I found her story to be the closest, complete and only therapeutic journey written between doctor and patient. If you haven't read this book I encourage you to do so and give it to your colleague when finished. Is it really necessary for you to prove that this condition is real in order to believe those family members of yours who suffer from this? Accept them for who they are, this condition is real and will continue to affect many people. Maybe more research needs to be done? But for now, "Karen's" story, "Switching Time" is by far the closest book written to explain the life of a woman who was determined to survive MPD/DID in the best way she knew how, and with proper professionl help. If any story should be listed in the APA, DSM, it should be this one. According to the author's note there are over five thousands pages of documentation. Wouldn't it be great to understand this condition rather than find fault in the doctors who give this diagnosis and to those who truly suffer and are in need of help?
Wishing you peace and understanding with your family members.

Wishing all of you a Happy Holiday season.... I've been really amazed at all your comments and wanted all of you to know how much I've learned, through all of you, about survival. Since MPD/DID is the condition that I once suffered and have healed from, I've been living a life I never thought possible. After integrating all of my seventeen alternate personalities my life has changed. I continue to have some bad days but I am alive and well. And I am very grateful that my therapist never once gave up on me even when I constantly wanted to let go and give up on myself. Each and every one of us travels our own path to healing. My journey, although intense, came from having the support of very few who understood me. And I was fortunate to have a caring
therapist who treated me with respect.

Hi concerned,

We're really happy we could be helpful- it made us cry a little bit reading your response! :-)

I/we hope you have a great Christmas with your mom.

If you're really interested in talking with your mom's therapist, and it's ok with everybody, you could try a phone conference (by speaker phone).

Just a thought.

Merry Christmas!

-AD21

This condition is real. I am real.

HI AD21..there are many ways those of us with DId work..we have all gone through trauma that caused DID...the therapy seems to go along the same..but we are each different from some ways to other DID. I lose timer, while other people who are DID do not..some seem to find therapy goes smother then it does for others...studys show that anywhere from 1 %-7% of the population are DID..once again each one individual withDID are the same in many ways as we are all different in many ways..and at different points in therapy thus..different reactions etc..my psychatrist had a pscho educational grtoup for those of us with DID.there were 6 of us..alll at verying points in out healing journey..it was a great support system because one person may be struygling with something and another person have dealrt with that before could let those know hat worked for them etc...the fact that we wernt the only one helped us feel not so crazy.....a good site to look at is www.I.S.S.T.D.....they have info and other usefull loinks...the DID soursce book is also a good resource..I have it and got a copy for my family physician....some people are co-conscious with there alters,,others have no idea abut them..but people see them...hope this helps..just want you to know you are not alone and hang in there...

And indeed, AD21 and I agree a lot. your mom is the same mom she always was. The difference is that her behavior, a brilliant response to childhood trauma, now has a label, and she is working diligently in therapy to resolve how to best handle herself in her adult life. And, AD21 is right that as your mother walks along her therapeutic journey, more alters are likely to emerge, and be identified. This is becase your mother's adult life is becoming increasingly more safe for her to reveal herself .

AD21's description of what happens in therapy is very parallel to my own experience of internal discovery. And yep, therapy has a lot of ups and downs because, when it works, it creates a path to re-explore and process the memories and the emotions attached to those memories of abuse. Not easy, and not a task that many folks who were traumatized take on. Your mother is quite courageous to be willing to look at herself with honesty and candor.

SAo, you have two folks who have walked the same path as your mother who share some very parallel thoughts. I hope this helps.

Continued...

Our second thought is that love and acceptance are vital- both inside and outside. We work best when we accept and love each other -all of each other. Now that's an internal job for your mom to do. But we love having friends who know we're multiple, and who talk to any and all of us. It makes a huge difference in our life -and you can help make that difference for your mom, which is really cool.

I agree with erlaia- talking to Claire, and to your mom could be a great thing. But I/we agree- your job isn't to be her therapist, or (awful as this might sound) to try to make things turn out any particular way. Of course I don't mean just stand aside if your mom's in trouble, I mean that things like who is out, and whether integration of co-operation is the final goal, is up to them.

Your mom might really appreciate your willingness to learn about her- people who "get it," or even are just accepting, can be hard to find. Unfortunately your mom might have to face disbelief or even bad treatment from other people if they find out she is multiple. That question of "coming out" -who to tell, why, what kind of reactions one might get- is something I think every multiple person has to face. (as do many other people who are "different" in some way)

Talking to your mom's therapist could be a good idea. The only cautions I/we would make are not to pressure her about it, be totally willing to take "no" for an answer. And let her know that personal details of her therapy are totally private- you are only interested in learning how to be a better support person.

Another agreement with erlia (we had a lot- :-) )- please take care of yourself. Dealing with DID can be hard! We're glad to see how much you care about your mom, and I'm sure she's glad too, but please don't burn yourself out over it.

Thanks! (it makes us happy to see you care) And again, best of luck!

Your mother's DID was a creative response to unremitting childhood trauma - her mind sheared off memories and the feelings attached to the memories in an effort to continue to live in her childhood setting. That dissociation undoubtedly saved her life and quite possibly her sanity when she was young. The challenge with DID is that the kind of non-coconscious dissociation that your mother evidences becomes something of a challenge in daily life as an adult. So, your mother is working with a therapist to proces sthe avffect associated with the original traumas, which then allows for increased communication between parts and then sets the stage for assimilation of those parts into her core persona. It sounds as if your mother is working hard and with some considerable success.

I really would suggest, if you have the openness with your mother, to tell her that you want to learn more about how her mind works, a nd can she help you in that regard. If you ask it respectfullyy, she may wel lsurprise you with her candor. And to that end, a shared session with her therapist might be of real value for you in helping you to relax about the nature of the way her brain works.

I really think you are remarkable for asking questions.... so give yourself some credit for your honesty and creativity!

it sounds as if part of the challenge is your own acceptance of your mother's response to compelling childhood trauma. For that, you can go to the website that AD noted, and can also, via the Sidran Foundation, find books for family members that will help to demistify your mother's circumstance. In truth, each of the personality expressions that your mother has ARE normal, they don't appear normal - they are. In your mother, however, the shear lines between her personality facets are far, far more sharply drawn than in most.

It also sounds as if your mother taking enormous strides towards healing with her therapist. the merging or assimilating of an alter is an indicator of increased internal communication and internal self-care.

Your choice of who to tell and who not to tell is up to you and, of course, to your mother. However, most folks do freak at the concept, and their knowledge does not become helpful.

And, I reiterate that, if your mother has established a successful liason with a therapist, it would not hurt for you to visit that therapist, with your mother's permission, of course. Perhaps one session could be spent with the three of you discussing what it means for her to have voices inside her head.... and it may help both you and your mother to normalize the circumstance. Posed right, your mother might welcome the opportunity to remove some of your fears.

As for her creative persona, that is not surprising - many folks with DID are very creative and intensely bright, the very act of splitting being a creative one.

Your feelings about your mother's DID are your feelings, and some of them are based in fear. That feeling of fearfulness is one that you are striving to address by asking questions on this site. Bravo! Continue to explore what it is that frightens you so about your mother's DID - look into the fear, rather than trying to dance around it.

As for the strong alter that wants to be independently identified - I might suggest that you look closely at what scares you about Claire, even in a conversation with Claire. That might help you tremendously and it may make Claire a bit less self-conscious when she comes out. Another thought is, if you share a session with her therapist with your mother, to ask the therapist and your mother how to handle your feelings about Claire.

As for trying to deal, I think you are very brave for asking questions, for seeking knowledge and understanding. You must be a wonderful daughter! Keep up the questions, keep up the exploration. If your mother is willing, much of that exploration may well be done with her as a participant.

I don't want other people to treat her different. Another thing that is making me believe she is trully DID is that she has an artistic personality that is MUCH better than her. So the art therapy would probably just bring her out, I guess. She has always loved to paint and things but this personality can draw. She was never that good at that. I am battling with it I think maybe more than her. It scares me, and worries me. I'm not embarrased about it for her but am afraid of what some people may think of her and how she'll react. Mom's always been a little strong/sensitive. So I am always the peacemaker when she gets upset at one of my other siblings. They don't understand or except the disorder. I don't want to accept it but I do because to me its real. I want it to be fake but its not. Faking could just go away. This is going to take time. I don't think she nor my dad talk to them about it anymore. It just upsets her. I don't just focus on her but she's on my mind ALOT. I have a husband and son to take care of too. I have yet told my hub about this diagnosis. He knows she sensitive and everything but I don't want anyone to label her. She can seem normal even when she's in a personality. Except with Claire. I know this sounds bad but I don't want her to be Claire when she visits. I even told my mother how Claire bothers me. I think its because she wants to called Claire, and also my mother doesn't remember what Claire does. I even told my mother if I do talk to Claire I'll ask her to let me talk to mom. Mom doesn't of course know if thats possible. I may be doing it wrong because I sometimes ask in a joking way to not hurt her feelings. Tell me how to handle this. Am I wrong for feeling this way. Should I just embrace it all or what. I may ask for contact info for her therapist. Thank you for all your help. Please don't take anything I say to offense because its all new to me and I'm just trying to understand and deal with it the best I know how.

WOW... Thank you all. I feel this DID was not induced by a therapist. She has had "odd" behavior, as I called it in the past, for a long time. She has always hated to be the center of attention even with a birthday party. She is seeing a therapist and I believe it may be her best one yet because she has delt with DID before. She is trying to merge the personalities and has made a couple disappear. The old lady in her has not come back and she new of this one and says she feels she has gone. Mom has kept it a secret for many years of hearing voices and being lost. Its like she talks to herself in her head. The way all this came to me believing is that my father came back from a 7month deployement. Before that I begged her in a non-begging way to come stay with me because she has had suicidal thoughts in the past and they are living currently around no family. She and I talk regularly almost everyday... maybe 3 days lapse at the most. She wanted to stay there with the help of her therapist. When he came back, the personality came out wanting to be called by her name. Claire is the only one that is concerned about being called Claire. The others could care less if you call them by Mom, her name, or their name. Claire seems to want to be herself and not my mom. She wants short hair so she puts on a wig.. My mother has always liked changing her styles and such but Claire only wears a short wig. Since the diagnosis she seems to be happier, she feels she's not "crazy" afterall. She just has coping skills that others do not. As a daughter and friend to her I want her to feel comfortable but to be honest I'd rather the personalities merge sooner than later.