Baby, I Can Wash My Car

I wanted the divorce, but learning to live without my husband has been harder than I expected.

By Rebecca Lavoie | NEWSWEEK

From the magazine issue dated Oct 29, 2007

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I knew my marriage was over when I realized how dirty my car was. Cleaning the cars had always been the domain of my husband, the kind of man who makes it a weekend activity the way most of us go to the beach or brunch with friends. His car-washing kit is better stocked than a professional detailer's, and for 10 years I've enjoyed driving around in a vehicle that could be described only as much cleaner than my house.

The divorce was my idea. After years of working on our marriage despite our differences, I felt that, at 34, it was time to let go despite the awful real-estate market, my lack of current steady employment and the fact that there are certain things I have no idea how to do without my husband's help.

My husband agreed that divorce was inevitable, and we set out to make it "amicable," which we've tried our best to maintain. We are living together in our "house for sale," our last hurdle before we can break up, but we've begun building the walls between our future, separate lives.

Living together during divorce is tricky. Our two young boys continue to enjoy the mind-set of children on the verge of a big change. My older son's main concern is whether each of our two new houses will have enough Legos for him to continue re-creating the entire "Star Wars" film series in bricks. My younger son wants to make sure his new digs are amply stocked with peanut butter. As for my husband and me, our living together-but-separate is a sad shadow of our past life and a scary preview of what's to come.

The dirty car is only a small warning. Since asking for the divorce, I've faced a barrage of reminders about my own shortcomings; I have gotten so used to so many things being done for me for so long that my basic abilities have atrophied. When was the last time I shoveled the driveway? Raked leaves? Where is my passport? And why does the litter box suddenly smell?

Because he cleaned it, always. He took care of all these things, always.

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Posted By: millennia @ 11/09/2007 4:36:56 PM

Working Writer..If you are referring to Katy Burns, the "witz" twins and even Mike Pride, I would agree. None seem to be very good writers.

What can they do? They obviously can't hire real talent and the addition of the latest editor has been a disaster. They hire kids right out of UNH and make them journalists.

I am a professional writer (not in journalism; technical and operational business writing) and I have a difficult time reading the Monitor so called "talent".

Sorry to imply jealousy; I understand your point and I agree with your assessment. Rebecca is an OK writer but she should find employment elsewhere. One article in Newsweek means nothing; expecilly one that shows the shallowness of her viewpoints. Again, I see your point now!
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Posted By: millennia @ 11/08/2007 7:21:14 PM

Great points and all are vaild. There are times when professional help will prove to be helpful but it takes will on both parts to make that happen.

In Rebecca's case, as internet research and other sources kind of reveal, this is more a choice about "her" needs rather than the needs of others.

I was married to a woman with whom I had a child and I was unhappy. My view was that I would stay there for the child and make the best of it no matter what and mask that for the benefit of the child. I did not want my child to grow up in a broken home.

We decided to go to counseling when she revealed that she could not live with me because I worked too much and was career driven. I was willing to give that up (my career) for my child but she insisted on counseling.

We met with a counselor and she proceeded to go on and on about everything that was wrong with me. I then had my turn and at the end of the second meeting with the counselor, she said: "I think that your husband has valid points". My ex-wife informed me the next day that counseling would not work, she just wanted out. I asked her about our child and she stated: "I am only 35 and I have my whole life before me, I want to experience other men and I want a career, etc." None of these things were ever mentioned during our entire marraige.

I have lived apart from my child for nearly 14 years and she has definitely been scarred by this experience and it has definitely changed her life in many ways. My ex-wife thinks that assessment is silly. Her view of the entire situation is selfish and all about "her". Like Rebecca, she took a selfish approach and put her life above her children's.

Today I am married to a wonderful woman and we have two beautiful children. Our home is filled with love and hugs, etc. We have our disagreements and issues but we are MATURE enough to make sure that work things out and we have the same goals and an understanding that those children are more important than our egos and our personal desires and goals. Once you have children, you are responsible for other lives and to take things as lightly as Ms. Lavoie shows true selfishness.

I would agree with your physical abuse comment as well. I am sure that is not the case with Rebecca.
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Posted By: westsidecougar1 @ 11/03/2007 10:08:21 PM

This article is very sad. What continues to come to mind for me is this: marriage is very tough. Get over it...and work out your differences! Sit down and eat breakfast together every morning. Wash the cars together! Talk. I've been married 23 years now. This will be my only marriage. It is not easy...but neither I or anyone has a right to bring children into this world and then not make their marriage work. Suck up your pride and work things out. Sometimes the hole you've dug yourself into is very deep, but slowly you can make it work. Sometimes it takes professional help, so get that if necessary. Again, no one has the right to bring children into this world and then bag out on a tough marriage*.

* I acknowledge that some marriages involve physical abuse or a spouse that has no interest in working things out. I would certainly make an exception in these cases.