American Beat: Dirty Dancing

Clearly, I needed to get a hold of this footage.

Neither NBC nor Columbia Records would provide material assistance to my efforts. In fact, neither even called me back--me, a man so clearly in desperate need of an explicit performance of lascivious choreography.

Under a constant barrage of calls and heavy breathing, Columbia Records finally sent me a statement. If Watergate was characterized by "non-denial denials," this statement was the "non-apology non-apology."

"The location was chosen by the show's producers," the statement began. "Beyonce and all of her performers were dressed beautifully and appropriately for that evening's hot summer temperature and for the type of television show they were asked to appear on. If the show's producers had made Beyonce or her management aware of any wardrobe or performance guidelines, they certainly would have complied with them."

Scaturro was unimpressed. After all, his issue is not with Beyonce, but with the Parks Service for letting her make such a lascivious and explicit display (although if you ask me, the only controversy is how come she doesn't take off all her clothes already because, clearly, this is the actual product she is selling, and to remain clothed amounts to a particularly frustrating form of false advertising).

For Scaturro, the issue is clear. "I have no problem with Beyonce Knowles, but clearly such an event would not have been staged at JFK's tomb," he said. "Why is Grant's tomb always treated with so little respect?"