Identity Crisis

How is it possible that people around you as a child you didn't notice that you were being abused? Why didn't teachers help you?
It wasn't like today, where you mention abuse and everyone comes running. In those days people whipped and beat their children. I went to Catholic school. If teachers saw welts, they thought it was discipline. And I thought I was bad and deserved punishment, so I didn't complain. No one would have believed me anyway, because Elise [the alter who was formed to go to school and behave like a normal child] didn't act abused. My father and grandfather had said that if I ever told anyone, they would kill me. So I put makeup over the wounds or wore long pants if I had bruises. I was careful to cover up signs. When I got to high school it became harder for my grandfather and father because I went to a much larger school that was farther away. They made me come home right away after school so that I wouldn't talk. I didn't have girlfriends, because I wasn't allowed to go to their homes. When I was invited to slumber parties, my parents would say, "She's too sick. She can't come." Eventually my classmates stopped asking.

What was it like during therapy, as each alter gave up its independent existence and was reintegrated into you—Karen?
Each time I went through an integration, it was exhausting. I was receiving all their memories. And there were physical issues, too. One alter would want to do things left-handed and the others right-handed. Lots of the alters had different walks. After integrating one of the child alters, I didn't know how to drive. That wasn't a good day. I sideswiped a car coming out of the parking lot.

It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "identity crisis."
With each integration I would become a different person. If someone asked me what kind of music I liked, I didn't know. I would have to figure it out, because the alters liked different music. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. It took a year or so before I began feeling all the alters were me.

Was it hard learning to live as a whole person again?
At first, when I couldn't lose time, I would get stressed and overwhelmed. There was no escape. I kept saying to Dr. Baer, "I should have kept one alter as a spare, to lose time to." But really, being reintegrated felt like waking up after being in a coma. My life started over in 1998 [when the process was complete].

After reintegration, you found that Katherine had a lot of friends you didn't know. How did you deal with them?
I didn't like a lot of Katherine's friends, and they didn't like me. They were looking for the same person they'd known before. It was kind of sad, because I couldn't be that person for them. I tried to respect Katherine's choices and stay in the relationships, but I didn't really know these people. I faked illnesses a lot to get out of meeting with them. Eventually some faded away. I was grateful for that. "Karen 2" had friendships too, but not enduring ones. Ann's friends were more the church types. I've stayed friends with a few of them, because they were good people. But for the most part I had to make all new friends.

How can you survive the kind of treatment you endured without tremendous anger?
I can't harp on that. I have to move on.