'The Hot Chick,' Reconsidered

Best actress: A difficult decision. Each of these ladies shows significant lesions in their nominated films. Renee Zellweger: adult acne. Diane Lane: facial scar. Julianne Moore: sun spots. Nicole Kidman: The prosthetic nose, of course. But we favor Salma Hayek--not afraid to reveal her inner Frida. She represents hope to all those that share the fetching feature known as unibrow. Though she didn't go so far as to replicate Kahlo's mustache!

Supporting actor: John C. Reilly. Never has such dramatic acne scarring been converted into so many everyman roles. Four in one year? Who needs dermabrasion or laser resurfacing?

Supporting actress: Also a crowded field, but the winner for supporting actress with the most skin conditions? Far and away, it's Welsh siren Catherine Zeta-Jones. In magazine pictures, we see a large neck scar, vaccine scar, adult acne, admitted tendency to hair thinning, sun damaged chest, and a leg birthmark. And yet, with the magic of movies, probably the most glamorous actress working today.

Best Picture: Though "Chicago" comes a close second, none of the nominated films can match "The Two Towers" for problem skin. Between heroes and villains, Middle Earth was covered with at least 20 characters in need of an epic makeover.

Nell Minow is the creator of the Movie Mom Web site (www.movies.yahoo.com/moviemom) and the author of the forthcoming second edition of "The Movie Mom's Guide to Family Movies"

The Oscars never have much to do with a particular performance or movie. Does anyone other than the Oscar obsessives remember which movie got Jimmy Stewart his Oscar? Or for that matter, Elizabeth Taylor, Meryl Streep or Jack Nicholson? What matters is that forevermore in movie trailers (when did that start?) and appearances up through their obituaries they will be identified as "Oscar-winning," something luminaries like Cary Grant, Alfred Hitchcock and Marilyn Monroe could not.