Some Strange Spring Break

Weirder than anything you've seen on "Cops," scarier than the Sci Fi Channel, more changes of plans than "Trading Spaces," more Francophobe comments than "National Lampoon's European Vacation": welcome to Spring Break '03!

Or: how Kissimmee, Fla., suddenly seemed more attractive to those intent on travel than Tuscany.

Below, a more or less accurate representation of some of the dialogue on the telephone, in e-mail exchanges, at airports and in family rooms on the subject of the much-beloved midsemester vacation for schoolkids, college students and their parents, this year at a time of particular national peril and tension.

(In the event of actual war most or all of what follows is subject to change, as well as subject to hysterical italicized communication among family members.)

"As soon as you get to the hostel, find out where the American Consulate is and mark it on your map. Just in case."

"Does anyone know how Holland voted on the war resolution in the United Nations?"