Knocking Yourself Up

I am a mother by choice of a now "tween". There was never a question in my life if I would become a mother, but I also did not want a husband at the time (still in my twenties). I still wanted to continue my education, my career, but I was ready to start a family. I didn't want start having my "first at 40" or when I was ready to settle down. I don't know that this is as much about planning to raise it single, but has an active thought to have the child. I support women starting families alone. We are independant and then are in charge or our own destiny.

Mine is unsual to say the least, but I think ideal. My daughter's father is my best friend. We live on opposite coasts. She visits him every summer and talks to him whenever she wants. We have no custody issues. She is mine, but he has a relationship with her. There is no financial ties. I run a successful home-based corporation so I even get to be a "choice at-home-mom."

I struggled with my orientation before the time I conceived her. I have since been with my partner 8 years. My daughter is loved, indulged and happy. She is being raised by two moms that love her, she has regular contact with her father, and she has two half-siblings so during her visits she gets to "try out" siblings. Everyone has a great relationship after 12 years and I am friends with his "wives."

I do see a huge difference in "accidental" parenting and "choice" in the career I had chosen I was certain I would be able to provide alone for my child. If she flies I pay, and if he flies he pays. I feel if the woman is ready, and can provide, why do they have to settle in a relationship at the time also? It take a while to find a lasting relationship to warrant commitment. He has been through several already. My daughter has never suffered divorce and no one has anything negative to say about the other.

I never intended to be alone all my life, but I wanted to start a family when I could enjoy her. I was a single parent to her for almost 5 years, but love the bond we created. I never thought I would not find "someone", but it took children out of the equation. I had a child already. I am happy with my choices.

As for my daughter, I think if asked she is more confused why others have a problem with her life. She is pretty well adjusted, although her family drawings are a riot. I do think having her father in the picture though has been important. He comes in handy. If she needs him for something he will fly out to attend. This was just my solution to this debate.

God help me, the least selfish thing I ever did was to raise my daughter. Every waking moment I have lived for 17 years, every available scrap of energy, attention, concern, love, appreciation, support, problem-solving, dedication and will has been poured into her upbringing and vision for success as a human being.

My career? What career? I had so many fewer choices because I had to keep us both stable, clothed, fed and sheltered, and ensure she was getting a good education. You can bet I would be several income brackets higher by now if she hadn't been around, or if I had cared less. Let me say this about that: any child can suffer at the hands of a parent's career ambitions, even those with two parents in residence.

I'm thinking about the kid, what a blow to your existence when you find out
your not only are growing up with out a father, but you never even had one.

Children have the right to be in a safe, loving home and receive shelter and a good education--the best start possible. There are more than a few two-parent homes who can't and don't provide their children with the kind of life Ms. Sloan can give to her child. I'm not preaching single parenthood to anyone who wants a baby, because too many women who want a baby are still girls themselves, without the education and the means to start a family responsibly. However, in the cases of women who are educated with solid jobs and stable lives, who simply can't find Mr. Right--who is very scarce in many parts of the country--they should have the option to bring their children into this world. I very strongly feel that if a life-choice isn't for you, don't make it. You shouldn't try to persecute those that feel it is the right path in their situation.

I do not see anything more selfish in being a single parent vs. a married one. You can pretend the motivations are different all you want, but the reality is most parents make a concious choice to bring kids into the world, and the motivation is the same. To call one person's desires "selfish" while claiming the other above reproach is totally hypocritical.

I found myself in the same situation as Ms. Sloan: single, 40, and wanting children. I chose to adopt. I think it is selfish to "make" a baby as if a child were a commodity or a possession, but giving an already living child a good home is another matter. Although growing up in a single-parent household is not the ideal, it is much better than growing up without any parent. I now have two beautiful daughters, ages 10 and 6.

My take on the subject is that it's selfish for anyone to intentionally bring a child into a one-parent situation. Before anyone sends me vitriolic responses, yes, I am sorry that many women don't have the opportunity to marry and have children the traditional way. But children have the right to a mother and father and the unique strengths that each lend to the family unit. I see this trend of "intenional single-parent-household-building" as an extension of the me-generation assertiveness, demanding rights without enough consideration for how our decisions affect others--in this case, children. And, no, a grandfather, live-in male friend, or uncle are not adeque substitutes for a full-time dad.

As a single mother of a 17 year old daughter, I gotta say the education and experience level of the mother has a great deal to do with the child's overall chances. I don't recommend single parenthood, it's lonely and tough, but it can be lonelier and tougher if you're in a relationship where the spouse is supposed to be co-parenting and isn't pulling his weight.

Altogether, I'd say I've raised an exemplary human being and the world should be grateful she's in it. Her head's on straight about sex and drugs, she is the leader of two bands, and has won civic awards for local community service.

The secret ingredients to raising a great human being are not that secret: Number one PAY ATTENTION. Small kids don't verbalize their needs, so you need good observation and deductive skills. Later those need to be augmented with good listening skills. When the child is communicating, be 100% present and engaged. Number two: BE CONSISTENT. Establish the ground rules and live by them. Never make an idle threat, never fail to follow through with consequences. Number Three: BE SUPPORTIVE/POSITIVE. Every mistake is a learning opportunity for both. When your child suffers, you suffer. Deal with it, don't try to insulate yourself from it. Nobody is entitled to a life free of suffering, so how you overcome pain and setbacks together gives the child critical coping skills as challenges grow.

Not exactly rocket science, but I think those are the building blocks of a pretty successful child rearing experience. Nothing is perfect about anyone's upbringing, there are plenty of disasters coming out of two-parent families. Everyone has their childhood "issues" they take into adulthood, I just think it's possible as a single parent to minimize the damage, and maximize the potential for the child to effectively address those issues when they are grown.

I found myself in the same position as Ms. Sloan, forty, single, and wanting children. I chose to adopt. I think it is selfish to "make" a baby as if a child were a possession or a commodity with so many children in the world who need homes. I now have two beautiful daughters, ages 10 and 6, and I can't imagine life without them. Single parenthood is difficult and not ideal, but having one parent is infinitely better than having none.

My take on the subject is that it's selfish for any adult to intentionally bring a child into a one-parent situation. I see this as more evidence that the "me" generation continues to assert it's rights without considering what's best for others (in this case, their off-spring.) Children need the unique strengths that a mother and father bring into the family equation, and heaven knows that it's difficult enough for TWO adults to raise a child. And, sorry, a grandfather, male best friend, or uncle is not an adequate fill-in for a full-time dad, contrary to what the author of the article seems to imply.

Speaking as a single-mom of 12 years, and a second child on the way, if men would step-up to the plate and take their responsibilities seriously (instead of saying "It's not the right time in my life for this." and such), then maybe there would be more two-parent households in America.

I for one believe that two parents are necessary for the proper rearing of children. This is not required so much for academic, but emotional development. There is a considerable amount of evidence for this in the psychology literature. While this may work for the daughters (and there is evidence that there are problems here too with increased promiscuity being one), it is very hard on the sons.

One flaw with the article is that it points out that there is little liability of single motherhood when factoring in income. However, consider that an affluent woman can hire a nanny for her children, while most working class single moms have to work two jobs and teach their kids to lock the door when the mom is at work.

Single motherhood has a certain appeal to the affluent feminist, who places 'liberation' and self-actualization of herself first. But like a lot of other 'liberating' ideas for the woman, it is usually bad for the kids. A desire for 'liberation' has to be weighed against the rights of others, and against human psychology and sociology.

What's really slfish is the judgemental comments of married people who were lucky enough to find a mate. Some people don't have that luck...so they should not have kids too? I was married when I had my daughter and her dad turned out to be unreliable and we will get divorced. I do most everything myself and sure, it's hard..but it's worth it and I think my daughter is glad to be alive, rather than not alive. So, I am selfish for giving her life and love and providing all she needs myself? Wow, if everyone were as selfish as me, the world would be a better place....oh, and since she was lonely I got pregnant with my ex again so she would have a sibling. Now, my life is twice as hard...but guess what? My daughter's ecstatic to have a sister!

You don't need extensive studies to know---no, it's not as good to be a single mom than to have a two-parent household. However, you also don't need to be a genius to know its hard to meet someone to marry sometimes and life without ever having a child is a terrible fate (in my opinion). So, if that's what some women need to do to become moms, let them do it without making them feel bad about it. It's pretty clear that someone that wants a child THAT much they they are willing to do it without help REALLY wants it. IN my opinion, and I've seen lots of family types and known lots of people, a kid that is wanted and loved THAT much by anyone has a good situation and will be fine. I came from a 2 parent household and was constantly put down by both my parents. I would have been ten times better off to have one parrnet that really loved me.

I am a 50 year old single woman...just never found the right guy. I didn't want to get to 50 and not have a child so I ADOPTED a child that was in need of a home and a parent to love him. Both our needs fulfilled! What an option!!

Well, let me mix it up a bit. I'm a single mother by choice - I adopted a baby girl from a foreign country. It was a lot of work and very expensive - but worth all of it. Why did I adopt? I wanted to be a mother. So am I less "selfish" than the women who chose to use artificial insemination because they wanted to be a mother?

I think the discussion here should be about what the article is about - people like me who are choosing motherhood later in life - not married (although not for lack of trying) - and wanting to create their own family. Why do I need to fit into society's (or any of your) definition of what a family is? My daughter is loved beyond belief - I have a large extended family and she is never lacking for love and affection.

Yes, it's hard to do it alone - and yes, sometimes I wish I had another set of hands to help out. But you know what? Many of my married friends say their husbands don't help much anyway.

No matter what the situation - there will always be kids who don't fare well - whether they are from financially secure single mothers, financially secure two parent households, low income single mothers or low income two parent households.

In the end it's the parent that makes a difference - and just because I'm a single mom doesn't mean I fit into a pattern and that my kids will be damaged. What about all these kids who have two parents, lots of money, great education - and many of them end up screwed up too? Why, because of their parents.

It really saddens me to see how judgmental so many of you are about other's life decisions. I am so proud of my life and my choices - and all the other single mothers out there who are doing what they can to create their own family, their own happiness - and raise fabulous children!!!