Knocking Yourself Up

Whether a child is brought up in a single or dual parent home really doesn't make that much difference.
It is HOW they are taught as children is what makes the difference.

Personally, I think that the decision "to have kids" or "not to have kids", whether "single" or "married" should be up to the INDIVIDUAL and everyone else needs to keep out of it. Of course statistics show kids of "single" parents do not fare as well. They lump everybody together. Lets do a study on how kids of "single" parents by CHOICE turn out. It is NOT the same as someone who got pregnant "by accident". If there is enough love in the home, it really doesn't matter what "gender" the love comes from or whether it is one person, two, three or more in the household. Boy do we know how to "over analyze" everything.

mgw has it right. My 10 year old nephew is constantly starved for attention from his father, who pretty much ignores him full-time to golf. His mother is forced to show a lion share's of her efforts to his 12 year old autistic brother. So nephew flocks to me for not only attention, but lessons on how to be a man. Look, no woman here is going to argue with the truth that there is a tome's worth of lessons that a woman knows, that a man simply cannot teach or know. Well, same goes for lessons that a man knows as well. The simple biological and experiential differences between a man and woman make that obvious. That doesn't mean any non-two parent male/female child will grow up maladjusted, but they will certainly lose a wealth of knowledge that could have been attained.

I grew up the daughter of a wonderful single mother. My parents divorced when I was two. I am now 26. I graduated high school, earned a college degree, and have yet to have any of the problems people seem to think children of single parents have. My mother instilled in me a love of learning, compassion for others, and a knowledge that at a certain point in my life, my decisions were my own. What did my father teach me? That I was very lucky to have the mother that I did. She passed away 8 years ago this month, and I miss her every day, and thank her for all the love and support she gave me and gives me still. We didn't have it easy, not by a long shot, but I firmly believe that I am a better person today because I had a single mother, than if I had two parents together. I learned that you only get what you want in life through hard work, and people aren't going to just hand things to you. For those of you claiming that all the ills in society are because of single mothers, I ask you all, "what about personal responsibitly?" There comes a time in every person's life where he or she must make his or her own decisions, regardless of the type of family he or she came from. I know many people from so-called "traditional" families who can't function in society because they have had every thing handed to them and done for them. And to all of the critical men out there on this discussion board, maybe you should be pointing fingers at your fellow "men" and urging them to take on their parental responsibilities whether they are with the mothers of their children or not. And to those of you critical of the woman in this story, how she raises her family is her choice. If it is not the way you would raise your family, then don't. But it works for her and her son, so who are you to judge?

It seems that most of post are not by women who may or may not be in the position to consider this option. Women have been told growing up that they can have everything, the education, the house, the job AND the Awesome, Loving, DEVOTED husbad. Most women who would be considering this option, are tired of looking for Mr. Right, and instead finding alot of Mr. Wrongs and Mr. Not Even Close. To call these women selfish is to assume they do not want to find a husband, and feel that they are not needed at all. I believe most women who would want to have a baby out of wed-lock would be doing so, because they DO want a family and what comes along with bearing children with out waiting until they are so old that their eggs are no good.

I am a 47 year old woman who is single (not for lack of looking) and does not have children. I have become very bitter towards my father over the years. My mom and dad were divorced after 16 years of marriage. My dad then married the first woman who looked at him and was married within a year of his divorce. He has been married to the same shrew for about 30 years now. The thing I am bitter about is that my father has almost nothing to do with me. He sees me once a year on Christmas Eve for about 2 hours. He has called me 5 times in his life (always to let me know about a relative who has died). I've been through an abusive marriage, job loss due to downsizing, cancer (twice!), and yet his life centers around his wife's children (one who married a very rich man and the other who is constantly broke and has four kids). The one shining light and supporter in my life has been my mom. Although she has had a financially tough life since the divorce, she has never complained. I know, without a doubt, my mom would give her life for me if need be. I believe my father would say, "It's been nice knowing you." So I guess after all this rambling, my outlook is that I would have been so much better off without knowing my father. Then I would not be so devastated by the expectations I have had that my father would care about me and love me. By the way, I have never asked for money or material things -- just his love. So to all the good dads out there, kudos, but there are many more that break the heart of their children.

Just face it: it's a legitimate option that's here to stay... and just like an option to end one's pregnancy this will be debated forevere while being available forever... we should all get used to it.

Just face it: it's a legitimate option that's here to stay... and just like an option to end one's pregnancy this will be debated forevere while being available forever... we should all get used to it.

Well, as the child of a single mother (divorced parents), I have to say I wouldn't change a thing about my life. Watching my parents fight and be sad was an absolute misery. If they had stayed together I don't know where I would be. What I do know is that I was lucky enough to have an outstanding mom. One who raised my sister and me while getting her undergraduate, graduate and then post-graduate degrees. Sure, I spent time in daycare, but it was worth it - my sister and I ended up with an outstanding role model who showed us that anything is possible with hard work, and that we must be independent, educated, and confident. I can't tell you how proud I was do go to her doctoral hooding a few weeks after she came to my high school graduation. My sister and I both ended up with several college courses under our belts before enrolling, thanks to excellent grades in AP classes, and both owned our own homes by the age of 25. I am proud I had a single mom - she's made me who I am. Now I know I don't need to depend on another person to have value or get by. I'm not in search of a man to "complete" me or give me value - I'm in search of a man who will be my partner - and a relationship where we enhance one another. So, I may be a "latch key kid" or a "daycare kid," but if I do say so myself, I'm a damned fine person. Thanks, Mom, for all of your sacrifices and lessons - I'm proud of you!!!!!!

Just face it: it's a legitimate option that's here to stay... and just like an option to end one's pregnancy this will be debated forevere while being available forever... we should all get used to it.

It seems I was ahead of the curve in becoming a single parent in 1982. Fortunately, I was well into my 20's and had already learned how to take care of myself. I did not have a career or any money to help me. In fact, I was desparately poor. What I did have was an abundance of love and guidance for my daughter. She has turned out to be a remarkably healthy, well adjusted and productive adult. If you are a woman alone who wants children, then I say follow your heart.

I don't see any proof anywhere that having a Mom and a Dad is better than having one mom or two moms or two dads or one dad. The thing that really matters is that children are raised in loving, safe enviroments. I am a single mother of two adopted children. Sure it would be easier to have a partner to help raise my children. My son told me he wanted a dad because then I could come to his school more often and help out in his class. Kids can be mean. At four, my daughter was told by another four year old that she didn't have a dad because he didn't want her. As the adult it's my job to tell her the truth. Today the truth is that there are all kinds of families in this world. A family with a Mom and a Dad is no better or worse than our family. As a family we will live our lives with responsibilty, faith and respect for others. I do my best every day to give my children what they need. I ask them not to judge other people. I can't sit here at my computer and guess or judge whether or not a family with two moms or two dads or one mom or one dad is denying thier family anything. Or that a family with a "traditional" mom and dad can provide so much more. It depends on the individuals.

I also have to say that I have quite a few friends who are single parents, some by choice, others not by choice. One thing I see consistently (as a male) is how these children gravitate to me or any man that gives them attention. You can see a hunger for the missing male role model in their lives. When I visit their mothers, these children will totally forget about their mother and engage in endless conversation with me. They want to tell me how they are doing in school, show me their drawings. They want to hug me or hold my hand. And they love to play with me. They play with me the way children play with men, because fathers typically interact with children differently than their mothers do. The children notice this, and the yearn for it. Anytime I have seen a child without a "Daddy" in their life, they have wanted a Daddy in the worst way.

I'm sorry ladies, but we as men (the responsible ones) contribute far more than just a single sperm to create life. We also nurture life, in a way differently than Mommies. We fathers provide an element to a child's development that they NEED! Science and financial independence may give you more options these days, but a strong society will always require fathers being there and doing their part.

Oh...one final note about my admiration of my grandparent's generation, that withstood the test of time, endured through the good and bad, and to the best of their ability lived by the words they vowed to on their wedding day (because marielotte mentioned daycare kids).

I concur 110% and is the reason that my wife stays home to take care of the kids, drop them off and pick them up from school, work with them afterschool in their activities (ballet for my daughter, karate for my son), and make sure that no matter what they are doing at home, that when I come home they run up and throw their arms around me welcoming me back each evening.

Do we miss out on some of the "luxuries" because of the single income...yes. Would it make our financial lives easier...sure. Would I have it any other way...NO.

If you have the ability to live, even a humble life, and allow a family member to instill the beliefs into the children throughout the day, and ensure beyond a shadow of a doubt they know they are valued more than the latest and greatest materialistic possession (another problem with todays children, especially when both parents work so they can have more "toys") then do it by all means.

As a child that grew up with TV as a babysitter, I can also speak to the usefulness of having a real home environment.

Again, our grandparents had it right...what happened so wrong and is there hope to turn it around before it's too late?

Take care, and God Bless.

(sorry for the reprint, but Newsweek's editor was in conflict with MSWord (for spell-checking) and all my punctuation was turning into "???")

Take care, and God Bless!

After my mother escaped an abusive relationship, saving us from my easily angered father, we did it on our own and in the beginning life was good...she was the "prodigal mom". But you could see through the years that there was a change. She was a hard worker and there were no money problems but there was a change, and I saw as I grew a difference in the woman that was there through all my activities to one that was just....there. And now, at the age of 37 I look at my father as a man that had an "oops" moment young which turned into a failed marriage - he did the best a frustrated man with high dreams and desires for his family could do (not excusing his abusive ways). He's found the Lord now and I see my father in a new light: as my friend. My mother on the other hand decided when I was 17 that she was "done being a mother" and with the exception of a few visits in the base 20 years, I haven't seen or heard from her. I can only assume she's alive, but have no knowledge of where she is or what she's done with her life...and my children only know her as "Daddy's mother". Keep in mind she's not a deviant or anything, all to the contrary, she's an upstanding employee that has worked in senior government-type positions the majority of her life, but that is where her heart and motivation lie, and not with her only natural-born (as she has step-sons and daughters from her current marriage) child.

I'm not saying that it can't be done. I'm not saying that a father can't raise children on his own, or that women can't do the same, but it seems to me that if we are not asexual creatures, able to naturally (without scientific intervention) conceive and raise children on our own, that we should, to the best of our ability, try to follow the traditional, albeit mildly archaic, ideology of life. I look to my Grandparent's generation as the inspiration for my life with my wife and our life with our children. They had their fights, as do my wife and I ("for better for worse"), and while we've had some real blowouts, we're always there for each other in the end, and I can only hope and pray that we follow the guide that our respective grandparents have modeled for us ("til death due us part"), because based on our parental example, or lack thereof, the percentages aren't in our favor.

It seems to me, and again I'm only 37, a mere neophyte in societal comprehension in some mind's eyes, but that if we continue down the path we are going, where everyone lives primarily by self-indulgence instead of thinking about what is best for society as a whole that we set ourselves on a path of self-destruction; a path I believe that started roughly 40 years ago and that is in full force right now, leading us to an eventual societal collapse, quite similarly to that of the Roman Empire.

But that's just one man's opinion based on personal experience not in looking forward TO it, or living IN it, but reflecting back ON it.

Valuing single parenthood reflects a very materialistic view of human life. It is the relationship between the personalities of two parents which forms the home and nurture context for new personalities -- the relationship itself, not the physical context. Society cannot evolve to a higher level if growing personalities are deprived of a richly nurturing interpersonal environment during their formative years.

After my mother escaped an abusive relationship, saving us from my easily angered father, we did it on our own and in the beginning life was good???she was the "prodigal mom". But you could see through the years that there was a change. She was a hard worker and there were no money problems but there was a change, and I saw as I grew a difference in the woman that was there through all my activities to one that was just....there. And now, at the age of 37 I look at my father as a man that had an "oops" moment young which turned into a failed marriage - he did the best a frustrated man with high dreams and desires for his family could do (not excusing his abusive ways). He's found the Lord now and I see my father in a new light: as my friend. My mother on the other hand decided when I was 17 that she was "done being a mother" and with the exception of a few visits in the base 20 years, I haven't seen or heard from her. I can only assume she's alive, but have no knowledge of where she is or what she's done with her life???and my children only know her as "Daddy's mother". Keep in mind she???s not a deviant or anything, all to the contrary, she???s an upstanding employee that has worked in senior government-type positions the majority of her life, but that is where her heart and motivation lie, and not with her only natural-born (as she has step-sons and daughters from her current marriage) child.

I'm not saying that it can't be done. I'm not saying that a father can't raise children on his own, or that women can't do the same, but it seems to me that if we are not asexual creatures, able to naturally (without scientific intervention) conceive and raise children on our own, that we should, to the best of our ability, try to follow the traditional, albeit mildly archaic, ideology of life. I look to my Grandparent's generation as the inspiration for my life with my wife and our life with our children. They had their fights, as do my wife and I ("for better for worse"), and while we've had some real blowouts, we're always there for each other in the end, and I can only hope and pray that we follow the guide that our respective grandparents have modeled for us ("til death due us part"), because based on our parental example, or lack thereof, the percentages aren't in our favor.

It seems to me, and again I???m only 37, a mere neophyte in societal comprehension in some mind???s eyes, but that if we continue down the path we are going, where everyone lives primarily by self-indulgence instead of thinking about what is best for society as a whole that we set ourselves on a path of self-destruction; a path I believe that started roughly 40 years ago and that is in full force right now, leading us to an eventual societal collapse, quite similarly to that of the Roman Empire.

But that???s just one man???s opinion based on personal experience not in looking forward TO it, or living IN it, but reflecting back ON it.