American Beat: The Cookie Crumbles

OK, it's time to separate Mallomar myth from Mallomar reality. The reality, of course, is that this popular cookie--a sublime and elusive blend of graham cracker, marshmallow and a pure dark chocolate coating--is simply not available during the summer months.

So every fall, amid the kind of hype that typically accompanies the return of the swallows to Capistrano, Nabisco rolls out the red carpet for the beloved Mallomar.

Because the chocolate would supposedly melt during shipping, Nabisco says it can only offer the Mallomar from early October through April. So every September, publicists for Nabisco wisely distribute case upon case of fresh Mallomars to editors around the country. Subsequently, media coverage of the return of the Mallomars runs the full journalistic gamut from the cliche ("They're ba-a-a-a-ck!") to the giddy ("The Mallomars are back!") to apoplectic ("They're the best cookie in the world!").

In this case, the media is the message: Every October, you--the cookie consumer--are expected to play the role of the loving, arduous suitor (and fork over close to $4 for a box). And every April, you're supposed to shed a tear at the departure of the Mallomar and promise not to see other cookies until October comes around again.

Well, frankly, I'm tired of Nabisco's chocolate shell game. To quote Shakespeare from that famous love sonnet, a cookie is not a cookie "which alters when it alteration finds or bends with the remover to remove. Oh, no, it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken! Such a cookie should always be available, in grocers near and far, gourmet or common." Sure, that last line of verse was edited out before it was published in the First Folio, but clearly The Bard (not his real name) knew a little about the pain of an absent baked good.

And, quite frankly, so do I.