Love, Loss—And Love

My name is Steve Schmurr, I am the father of Cody and Levi. For those that find this article sexist, maybe it is as I was working in order to allow my wife to be able to spend more time with Levi (not easy to do in California), but I do not believe that was anyone's intent. For those that believe not having children is fulfilling, I believed that at one time and did not learn the truth until we had Cody (I was 37)...some of you are still young enough to learn and should consider that there is more to life than your career. For the others that feel their family will never be complete again, try opening your heart to the children that are alive and remember the life of the other together. The pain of a loss is not limited to the women and it torments the Dad's as well, it has taken me 3 years now just to put all my family update emails into one document that will eventually be the story of Cody's life, the feelings are all there and evident in those emails. Maybe some of you should consider what it is really like for a father having to make life and death decisions as to medial procedure to ok or not, especially when I am not a doctor. I have few regrets other than working a few hours per day just to avoid getting fired during Cody's 5 months. If you think fathers just walk away, you are wrong. I think about both of my sons every minute of every day...how many other fathers have a portrait of their 5 month old son tattooed on their shoulder? It may not sound masculine to have a baby tattoo on your shoulder, but my son's continue to make me the man I am. I am very proud of my children who have both reached the hearts of thousands...I pray for those who have lost and for those who just don't 'get it'.

My name is Steve Schmurr, I am the father of Cody and Levi. For those that find this article sexist, maybe it is as I was working in order to allow my wife to be able to spend more time with Levi (not easy to do in California), but I do not believe that was anyone's intent. For those that believe not having children is fulfilling, I believed that at one time and did not learn the truth until we had Cody (I was 37)...some of you are still young enough to learn and should consider that there is more to life than your career. For the others that feel their family will never be complete again, try opening your heart to the children that are alive and remember the life of the other together. The pain of a loss is not limited to the women and it torments the Dad's as well, it has taken me 3 years now just to put all my family update emails into one document that will eventually be the story of Cody's life, the feelings are all there and evident in those emails. Maybe some of you should consider what it is really like for a father having to make life and death decisions as to medial procedure to ok or not, especially when I am not a doctor. I have few regrets other than working a few hours per day just to avoid getting fired during Cody's 5 months. If you think fathers just walk away, you are wrong. I think about both of my sons every minute of every day...how many other fathers have a portrait of their 5 month old son tattooed on their shoulder? It may not sound masculine to have a baby tattoo on your shoulder, but my son's continue to make me the man I am. I am very proud of my children who have both reached the hearts of thousands...I pray for those who have lost and for those who just don't 'get it'.

"I don't think non-parents can imagine the impact of this loss for they have not felt the overwhelming love that pours into one's veins when one becomes a parent." Mum4x, you're right. That's why people like VaBelleinTN live their lives in their self-centered, selfish world. I can't imagine the pain parents who have lost their children went through, but I certainly admire their courage for recovering their faith in life.

I am puzzled by the paranthetical remark near the end of the article stating that "experts say [visiting the gravesite] is normal. Why wouldn't it be normal? To me the implication is that families who regularly visit their deceased child's grave are thought of as freaks - thus the need for an expert's reassurance that it is normal behavior. I do not understand the hullabaloo about feminism as it relates to this issue -- I do not believe that my husband loves our children less than I do, but as the biological mother (i.e. one who carried each child for 40 weeks) I agree that nothing is stronger than an infant-mother bond (out of necessity!!) in the beginning of life. Honestly, I count the nine months that I carried my late son as a very special time that he and I shared and feel incredibly grateful for it. As for Mallomar's comment, I hear you. I am the mother of four even though I only have three kids to raise... We are a family of SIX even though only five of us live in our house. It is too bad the article is very, very short despite the profound nature of this issue. Getting fathers' perspectives would have been great. And interviewing people who have lost adopted children also would have strengthened it. I know that surviving my son's death and figuring out how to go on (raising his three siblings) has taken incredible energy and courage. I never want anyone else to go thru what we went thru, but I am grateful for the glimmer of understanding and compassion that other parents offer. I don't think non-parents can imagine the impact of this loss for they have not felt the overwhelming love that pours into one's veins when one becomes a parent. What has been really interesting are the notes and calls from friends who have become parents since I lost my son - they let me know how they didn't really "get it" back then and how much more they feel our loss now that they are forced to imagine it on a personal level.

Our first born son passed away as an infant after surgery to correct a congenital heart defect. Only those who have suffered the loss of a child can truly understand what this does to ones sense of order in the universe. In retrospect, I do not know how we had the courage to go on and have three (well) children in the subsequent three years. While I would not wish this on my worst enemy, this experience has no doubt made me a better mother and person. I have discovered compassion and empathy I never knew I had. I also do not take anything re: my children for granted. Really the greatest gift of our son's short life is that he recalibrated what I consider a problem. If it is not life and death, its not. This has allowed me great freedom to enjoy my life.

As the eldest child of a couple that went on to have additional children, I am glad that my parents made the decision to have another child. The loss of my brother was extremely hard on all of us, there were seven of all together. The birth of my younger sister, helped us with the reality of life and death. We have remembered the joy of James with her as we have all grown. It also gifted us with empathy towards others. I dont believe that we slighted the memory of James, we have just enhanced it with sharing.

As a mother who lost a child at birth due to a birth defect and went on to have two other children, I find that comments that have been posted here appalling. This article is talking about life after a child DIES and you are discussing the sexist nature of the article? Yes, it would have been nice to see a comment from one of the dads, but the article was very short. There are two posters upset about how society views the women and what it teaches them? What it teaches is that life can go on after your soul is ripped about when your child dies and how there is hope for healing. Get a grip and get over yourselves. I applaud the courage of the families in this article. My heart aches knowing that pain.

This article is extremely sexist-- why are only mothers quoted, and not the fathers? Did they love their children any less? Doubtful.

""The most profound attachment in human life is mother and child," says John Golenski, executive director of the George Mark Children's House, a residential facility in San Leandro, Calif., for kids with terminal illnesses and their families. "The best adaptation to [the loss of a child] is another attachment.""


This is the most ignorant statement I've ever seen. I'm surprised people can get away with such anti-feminist language, especially in a Newsweek article. For the first time I'm disappointed in your coverage. The idea of "maternal instinct" is a myth perpetuated by a patriarchal society that tells women their natural roles are in the home as mothers, then attributes society's teachings to biological reasons. There is no basis whatsoever to claim that a bond between mother and child is any more profound than that between a father and child. It is only our culture, which trains men to be the "providers" and women the "nurturers" that results in this stereotype and cultural myth. I am disgusted to see such anti-feminist and anachronistic language in Newsweek! I understand it's a quotation, but the author has accepted it as truth! Some discussion and more enlightened commentary would be appreciated.