My name is Steve Schmurr, I am the father of Cody and Levi. For those that find this article sexist, maybe it is as I was working in order to allow my wife to be able to spend more time with Levi (not easy to do in California), but I do not believe that was anyone's intent. For those that believe not having children is fulfilling, I believed that at one time and did not learn the truth until we had Cody (I was 37)...some of you are still young enough to learn and should consider that there is more to life than your career. For the others that feel their family will never be complete again, try opening your heart to the children that are alive and remember the life of the other together. The pain of a loss is not limited to the women and it torments the Dad's as well, it has taken me 3 years now just to put all my family update emails into one document that will eventually be the story of Cody's life, the feelings are all there and evident in those emails. Maybe some of you should consider what it is really like for a father having to make life and death decisions as to medial procedure to ok or not, especially when I am not a doctor. I have few regrets other than working a few hours per day just to avoid getting fired during Cody's 5 months. If you think fathers just walk away, you are wrong. I think about both of my sons every minute of every day...how many other fathers have a portrait of their 5 month old son tattooed on their shoulder? It may not sound masculine to have a baby tattoo on your shoulder, but my son's continue to make me the man I am. I am very proud of my children who have both reached the hearts of thousands...I pray for those who have lost and for those who just don't 'get it'.
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Love, Loss—And Love
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All parents worry about their kids' health and safety—more so when they've lost a child. Michelle and Bill McGowan's daughter Katie died last year, just before her first birthday. (She was born with a blockage in her intestine.) Four months ago, the McGowans, of Glenview, Ill., had a healthy baby boy, John. Michelle still attends a support group at Children's Memorial in Chicago, where moms talk about their fears that other offspring will die. "As a mom anyway, you can be paranoid. Now I'm paranoid to the nth degree," says McGowan. Even her older kids, Kylie, now 4, and Bill, now 6, worry. One day Kylie, concerned about John's getting a cold, said, "We can't touch him. He's going to die." Michelle reassured her that John would be OK. And every week after church, they visit Katie's gravestone, with a small butterfly etched at the top of the cross. (Experts say this sort of ritual is normal.) Michelle tells her kids, "Sometimes butterflies fly away, and you don't see them again." But sometimes they stay—and sometimes new ones are born.
© 2007
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