Most Americans who adopt children from other countries find joy. But others aren't prepared for the risks—and may find themselves overwhelmed.
Comment: I am a Mom, I have had to "walk away" to control my anger. How do you lose control, promise to never let it happen again, yet not get medical help and try to save your child?
Comment: How can some of us who experienced this same hell help this poor woman? Please email me at 1northernlight@gmail.com.
Comment: I couldn't read all the way down. It was all too close to home and too painful. We adopted our girls (biological siblings) from Russia 11 years ago when they were 4 and 5. Their birthparents were alcoholics who had already lost their two older children from their neglect. The birthfather was also violent. I did all the research I could beforehand on fetal alcohol syndrome, fetal alcohol effects, RAD -- but 12 years ago during our adoption process there just wasn???t that much information. And I can???t blame our adoption agency because really, it???s only now that the first and second wave of Eastern Europe adopted kids are coming into adolescence and adulthood. How could they know what we were in for? But now I think so many of us parents DO know. I think there has to be more education for waiting parents. What I???ve come to believe is you simply CANNOT love a kid out of sociopathic and self destructive tendencies, especially if that???s their genetic predisposition. So many of us are in way over our heads. I wish there was a group for us. I simply do not see the possibility of my fairytale ending of loving children visiting me with their spouses and my adorable grandchildren. Quite the contrary. I???m counting the days until they???re 18 and hope that they???ll just leave on their own.
Comment: Thank you for your comments. Three weeks ago, my partner and I had a 6 year old FAS child placed with us for adoption in the fall. We have decided not to go ahead with this adoption. She is a beautiful, funny, confident child who has no conscience, no attachment to anyone, and I believe at this point she cannot possibly develop this. We were told she had attached to her foster parents, this is clearly not correct - she has not shown ANY interest in contacting them, looking at their pictures, etc. She has tantrums (rages) several times a day. She masturbates constantly. People have told us we cannot possibly send her back to the foster care system, and I agree, our home would be preferable for her, to a certain extent. But I can see what is in our future, as you have written it out, and frankly, I'm not able to survive it as you are. Good luck.
Comment: I feel bad for Peggy Hilt, when she needed support, no one was there for her. It's a hard situation that no one can understand unless you are living it. I hope more extreme education can be done before families adopt children. The risks have to be heard. I know from experience!
Comment: Couldn't get all of it in, so please read the last one too.
My oldest daughter is an absolute model child. I can't tell you how many people have asked me how I raised her to be such a sweetheart, great student, easygoing kid. I am a good parent. But you cannot effectively parent children who do not want parents. They want their own mother and father. Since their mom is deceased and father is in prison, that's not possible, but it is what they want. At this point, my hope is to raise them to adulthood with the hope that they will one day understand some of what we tried to teach them and live reasonably productive lives in which they don't rob, kill or maim anyone or abuse their own children. I'm doing the best I can. But I can certainly sympathize with Hicks experience. By God's grace, I have a support system and when I feel as frustrated as she did, which happens at least every other day, I have people who I can lean on. Hicks did what any other human would have done who had no support and who was understood by no one. Until you have lived with a RADish, you have no earthly idea what it is like. It is more difficult and painful and takes you way past the breaking point of any human being. And it does this day after day after day. Have some sympathy before you start throwing the poop out of your own diaper at people living with this every day. Clearly, Hicks feels abhorrent of what she's done, does she really need more condemnation. Live with a RAD child for a while, and then live with yourself, and then see whether you still have it in you to poop slin
Comment: A friend told me of this aritcle and so I read. I'm a mom of two adopted RAD kids. They were 7 and 8 when they came to me and, as others have noted, no one told me even half of their issues. Certainly, no one mentioned RAD, not that I would have understood because it wasn't a part of my training. When I first discovered their diagnosis, I read all I could on how to help them. I had such hope that we'd be able to help them. I remember reading that one of the symtoms of RAD kids is that they have angry and hostile moms. I knew that wasn't true of me, but the rest of the symptoms fit. Now almost five years later, I understand all too well what it means to be an angry and hostile mom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not this way by nature and I'm not this way with my oldest daughter, who isn't RAD. People who know me describe me as bubbly, friendly and a born leader. But......having lived with 2 RAD children for that length of time has taken a great toll. No, I haven't started drinking, but I have gained about 80lbs from all the emotional eating I've done. Living with children who have RAD means the following: you are living with people who hate your guts, completely, they would like to see you dead, they will plot how to kill you and your family, they will never appreciate anything you or anyone else does for them, this is especially true if they have another RAD sibling who helps them relive their prior horrors every day, you have to watch your children every moment of every day to keep them from hurting themselves or others, literally. Other people will NEVER understand why you complain because your con artist children will behave like perfect angels around others. The things they do are very difficult to detect, because they are expert cons. Your life will be a living hell and you will feel like a complete failure as a parent.
Comment: and she was adopted in russia they baby prob did not even know what she was saying she was only 2 and only knew of russian speaking why was the lady allowed to adopted her she prob does not even speak russian..........what the heck.........very sad world..........this baby lost her life bc someone failed to due their job that is sad please pray for this child and all the inocent people in the world has anyone told her bilogical mother what happened to her child.............
Comment: Pray..hummmmmmmmm...I will pray for your ignorance and that of many in this country.
Comment: Re-read the article, she adopted her as an infant! You sound like you are very hostile about adoptions! You need to read up more on the countries circumstances and why these kids abroad wind up in orphanages--better they have a loving home here in the US than be left to die in a cold orphanage! Been there, done that, I have 3 adopted children and I was adopted myself--sometimes that is the only course of action. What you are saying is that the drug addicted people or lunatics (prime examiple is Ms. Spears) should be allowed to raise children, PLEASE, they have tried to educate people but it DOESN;T work. That is what foster care in the US is about, trying to re-educate that drug addicted woman so that she can get a job and get her kids back, because yes 1st and foremost they belong with their mother or family! There are many cases, however, where this is NOT possible. Internationally is a whole different story/case altogether. Do your research before beating this poor woman! I agree she should have sought help but this is such a new deal that many shrinks don't know how to handle a 2 year old who is smearing *** on the wall! Don't judge lest you are willing to standing 5 minutes in someone else's shoes!
Comment: no adopted parent will ever be a childs parent they are suppost to give them a good home and raise them do not try to be the parent because you cant you do not have the smell or touch of there parent and should just be providing a safe home for the child and help them be a good adult..and know right from wrong and they should know who there real parent is to and you explain to them that their parent was sick or under eduacated and was unable to care for them do not try to be their parent because you will never replace that even if you try..
Comment: The child was pushing her away bc the child knew she was not her mother by smell touch and hugs..The child only wanted her mother and instead of helping the bilogical mother they took her and the child was old enough to know who her mother was even babies know who there mother is by smell and voice. Its only human for the baby to push her away this is why kids should not be adopted and we the people should teach parents how to raise them and we should not be so easy to give up on someone because they are under educated we love our kids..if they mother never wanted a kid she would of had a abortion. She just did not know how to take care of her or them..........................and the only option she had was to give her up...........because our system makes it that way and it is wrongggggggggggggggggggggggg.......................................wrongggggggggggggggggggggggggggg...............................................................
Comment: I dont think kids should be adopted i think we need to show the under educated one how to do it and all kids should stay with there natural parents and we should help them because some people are bad people and could be foster parents and not know it And it mentally damages some kids who are adopted. There could be medical problems that are never addressed bc the adopted poepple do not know of...And it is just morally wrong and the kids should stay with the parents and we should have more resource to help..Only if the parent dies or goes to jail for life. We give up on our poeple so quick and fair to teach them rather than label them.........What kind of world is this..........................................................We have foriegn people coming over here that are foster parents and have no clue how to raise our kids my brother is in this situation and its a very sad world we live in.....................
Comment: str8, first of all she wasn't an alcoholic, the stress of not knowing how to handle the situation she was in led her to drinking. Second, she isn't crazed and she isn't a sociopath, she is just a woman who got into a situation that was beyond her capabilities of handling and lost it. How do you know how you would react in that situation unless you have lived it? I want to clarify myself and state that I DO NOT agree in any way with what she did, but I can understand what happened. I went thru a bad bout of post-partum depression after I had my daughter, and believe me, that was the absolute HARDEST thing I have ever had to deal with. I could not connect with her on an emotional level, I just felt like I was babysitting and the mother would not come get her child. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to death and can't imagine life without her, but it took a VERY long time to get that attachment to her. I was 22 when I had her and I thank God every day that I knew when I had reached my limit and I also thank my family for being there for me so that I had a safe place to take her when I felt I was going to hurt her. Not everyone has that and not everyone sees it coming like I did. Now, she is 6 yrs. old and we are just about inseperable. But I still remember how it felt and it scares me to think that if I hadn't had an out, I could see myself hurting her. I like to think that I would NEVER do that to a defenseless child, but when you are overwhelmed ANYTHING can happen. I feel sorry for Mrs. Hilt for not knowing what to do when she had enough. I pray for her and hope she can work thru her pain and pray to God and her child and ask their forgiveness for what she did. May God have mercy on her and forgive her her sins.
In Love and Light,
an understanding person
Comment: I'm a psychologist who works with autistic children and noticed that these adopted children have a lot in common with autistic ones. The symptoms are the same, but the causes are different. Autism is very genetic but obviously many of these orphans have simply suffered from a lack of adequate affection in their early years. I wonder if Applied Behavioral Analysis would work for these children too, as it does with autistics.
Comment: I adopted a 7 year old boy from El Salvador. I preferred to adopt an older child so I would have a better idea of what kind of person he was. Still, I was totally unprepared for the enormous difficulties dealing with his emotional baggage, not to mention the expense. He did do well, but it took many years and I was fortunate to live in a country (Israel) which had proper schools available. Then at the age of 18 he committed suicide.
Comment: For sfreiman: Your post was breathtaking. I am so sorry for your terrible loss.
Comment: It seems that the comment from "memo" below only perpetuates a long-lasting conspiracy theory (re: mercury causing autism). Hearsay and innuendoes are a poor, poor substitute for scientific fact. People who do not vaccinate their children - or, even worse, harrange others into not vaccinating their children - are fools.
Comment: I am contemplating domestic vs. international adoption and one of the factors that I am weighing is: no matter how many children are orphaned in the US, the orphans abroad will fare much worse in life. Here in the US, we have a national system of child care and fostering homes, with federal support for the children until they are in their 20s. A orphaned girl in China might never have the opportunity to go to school or get out of an orphanage let alone live in foster homes.
Comment: I am contemplating domestic vs. international adoption and one of the factors that I am weighing is: no matter how many children are orphaned in the US, the orphans abroad will fare much worse in life. Here in the US, we have a national system of child care and fostering homes, with federal support for the children until they are in their 20s. A orphaned girl in China might never have the opportunity to go to school or get out of an orphanage let alone live in foster homes.
Comment: Has anyone pondered the notion that the Mercury in vaccines causes Autism and RAD.
The child in this story sounds exactly like my vaccine damaged Mercury toxic BIOLOGICAL son.
Comment: As the parent of a Attachment Disordered (AD) child adopted from Russia, I believe I can speak with some confidence on the subject of parenting and will say that without the involvement of a licenced professional who specializes in AD, or has extensive experience with AD, the diagnosis and subsequent treatment may not address the phychological issues underlying the behavior (AD is not ADHD, or ADD should not be treated as such). If you have an adopted child who you even remotely susepct might have AD or phychological issues please seek professional assistance from a person who is specifically familiar with international adoption and the associated therapy requirements. The well-meaning posts here are good background, but do not fully address the incredible strain AD places on otherwise healthy, thriving families. To those of you who have not attempted to raise a child with AD here's my message to you: Walk a mile in my shoes and then (and only then) do you earn the right to comment on what you think is appropriate parenting technique.
Comment: Over the years, I have watched good friends who have provided an optimal environment - emotionally and financially - deal with attachment and related issues in two adopted daughters. Any parent struggling with a child with an attachment disorder must get competent psychological help - for themselves and the child. I believe nature has provided a developmental "window" for attachment in humans that occurs during the first 3 years of life. Anything that violates the infant's attachment needs (ranging from separation to severe neglect or abuse) thwarts this normal development. The lack of the capacity to bond, lack of trust etc in the child can be overcome - but only with extensive help.
Comment: google basket hold +death and see the reports of children who have died during a basket hold - this is not a safe technique to be describing in a layperson's magazine, Newsweek should reconsider putting that kind of information out to the general public...
Comment: Hummmmm............thanks
Comment: I have read thru the many messages here and saw nothing about prevention. Why are there so many abused kids? Why do so many women give birth to children that they can't take care of? I would like to see every young person in America take a mandatory course in parenting and family planning. People need to know what it takes to be a good parent and the means to not be a parent if they are not ready. Then there will be aalot fewer kids with attachment problems.
Comment: Key word = FOREIGN adoptions...hello.
Comment: China, one child law, Romania-women of childbearing age were forced to have 5 children with their menstrual cycles being monitored in the workplace, etc....--this isn't about abused kids abroad, this is about neglected children (too many children in orphanages and not enough trained staff to manage the hordes of children that pass through the doors), such neglect and having to fend for themselves oft times leads to issues with attachment to anyone, siblings, parents etc... Certainly this is not always the case but it happens often nonetheless! The issues of AD/RAD which is the core issue at stake here occurs both in the US and abroad, this is why so many older children languish in the US foster care system! Don't be too judgemental lest you have walked in the shoes of one who has suffered through an AD/RAD situation!
Comment: MeeMees--When we first started looking at adoption, we looked at foreign adoptions because we really didn't know much about the kids in foster care. A good search engine online changed that and opened our eyes to the waiting kids in this country. There are literally hundreds of thousands of kids. We are now on the way to adopting two kids from the system. We are as thankful to have them as they are to have us.
Comment: I have to state my opinion on this. I actually know a few people that have done foreign adoption with problems stemming fromt he children that they adopted. However, what I do not understand is why Americans are more willing to adopt children outside of this country when there are so many children in Foster Care that need a loving home environment? I have a family memeber (cousin) in Foster Care that I am unable to adopt myself but needs a loving home and there just doesn't seem to be any one around that is willing to look in his direction. It seems that the older he gets the more the Social Services system looks at him as a ward of the State until he can be released onto the world as a semi-adult (I believe the age is 16 for emacipation). It bothers me to the extreme to know that so much foreign adoption takes place as a growing trend among the Celebrities and non-celebrities of this nation and no one looks to take on a child in need in our own backyards.
I honestly do not expect a plausable answer for the questions/statements I have listed above...I just needed to state my opinon.
Comment: Mee-Mees, As a person waiting to adopt internationally I can tell you why we would not adopt in the US. After the heartache of infertility and a long wait for a child, I could not bear to adopt a child then have them taken away after having them in the family. I know of cases in the US where someone adopted a child then a few years later the birth parents wanted them back...and got them back. I actually had an adoption agency tell me that it's best for a child to be with their bio parents and if the bio parents want them back after a few years, not to contest it. I understand there are child in the US that need families but when you adopt internationaly, that's it - parents can not get the children back. It's a done deal. I hope the best for these children, but until the US stiffens up their laws, we will not be adopting here. Not to mention I have respect for people who know their limitations of not being able to deal with emotional difficulties of adopting older children (not saying that is the case with all older children but they obviously experienced something bad to be in the situation) . Not saying you won't have problems with infants but it is lesslikely because they will be around a family during their early years. This is obviously a better alternative to abuse that has happened
Comment: There is a huge problem with children languishing in the foster care system in the US, much like your cousin! One problem is it is profitable for the foster care families and for the state the other is that so many people want an infant (less risks for baggage) and not a toddler or 6 or 7 year old. The older the child (either in domestic or international) the bigger the bag they drag with them! I have no idea how your cousin wound up in the system but neglect, abuse or something of that nature had to play into him winding up there somehow--many people are not equipped to take on a child with that kind of past history. You can probably help your cousin out by contacting CAP (Children Awaiting Placement) in New York, perhaps they can find him a loving home--their speciality is older children who have a "past."
Comment: This is important information for anyone dealing with children (adopted or otherwise). It helps to know that there are things you can do and where you can get help. I have seen many children with these kinds of behaviours in my classes over the years (most of those have not been adopted, but have gone through other traumas) and watched as the parents struggled to deal with them. It causes a lot of strain on families. It makes a huge difference when the problem is out in the open and resources are available, so parents don't blame themselves and feel they don't have any hope. I have learnt so much from the parents and from other teachers/professionals that has helped me to deal with these children to achieve positive change. Knowledge is the key, it allows you some control of the situation and you don't feel guilty because you know it is not your fault. Many people blame themselves when all their best strategies haven't worked. It is important also to be able to have back-up so that you can step-away for a time in some situations so that you do not reach the breaking point. One thing that I have noted is that these problems are increasing in the population that I have been teaching. The cause? I am not sure, but my co-workers and I see the same pattern and it is disturbing. There is something in our society that is changing, which is not good for our children. The problem does not just exist with adopted children, though they may be more likely to manifest it due to the number of changes they have had to adapt to and who knows what type of situations they have gone through. Parents need more help to deal with these situations and information like this is so important to let them know that they are not alone in dealing with these situations and there is help.
Comment: I have worked within the social services system for over 20 years. The Federal and State governments spend more on tourism and giving tax breaks to corporations than they are willing to spend on children in foster care. My heart goes out to adoptive parents who do not receive the support they deserve in trying to parent severely emotionally disabled children. Talk to your government representatives about providing for more counseling, treatment foster care and other services that are so needed.
Comment: The statistics in this article are completly useless. You tell us that 14 children in almost two decades have been murdered, but not out of how many total international adoptees, nor how many domestic adoptees or natural born children have been murdered. You also say that 81 international adoptees have been surrendered to local athorities in 2006, but again not out of a total number of adoptees nor if this number is high or low when compared to domestic adoptees or biological children. There is no way for a reader to tell if these numbers are high or low or about average, and therefore no way for a reader to form an informed opinion on the matter.
Comment: I found the statistics in this article useless. 14 adopted children killed in almost 2 decades. Ok, out of how many adopted children? How many children adopted from domestic facilities where murdered? How many natural born children? The same problem arises with the 81 children surrendered in 2006. 81 out of how many adoptees? How many domestic adoptees and natural born children where surrendered during the same period? Without this information it is impossible for someone to make an informed opinion based on your article.
Comment: Sometimes agencies in foriegn countries want to commit fraud to either "get rid of" some kids, or they really think that the rich Americans can find a way to help those kids. In either case, this causes grevious hardships to inncocent parents. Russia wants to evaluate the system because FORIEGN PARENTS are driven to kill a child???!! One answer is to a vacation back to the country of origin and leave the child behind. Let them figure it out. It's cold, but the only way this will stop.
Comment: There is nothing like 'parenting' a child who has attachment issues. My own bioligical child was much like Hilt's adopted Nina, and the frustrations were almost insurmountable. My husband and I were repeatedly blamed by professionals for causing our son's problems, regardless of what we did. It wasn't until his false report of abuse when we lived in Virginia, that we finally understood what was wrong and were vindicated. Oddly enough, it was Virginia DCS who led us to the correct diagnosis of Attachment Disorder. I understand Ms Hilt's pain. I don't know HOW I managed to NOT do what she did. The guilt I have always felt just for FEELING like I could beat my son to death is never ending. But for the grace of....I don't know. SOME higher power, It could have been me, too. My son has grown up--he's still a trial--but alive. Until you've been in Peggy Hilt's situation. don't judge her. Yes, killing is wrong, but the amount of support she would have gotten if she'd come forward with her child's problems may have been negligible. This isn't a widely known and supported issue in the mental health community. I should know. All of my college degrees are in Psychology......
Comment: Reactive Attachment Disorder (according to the DSM IV) is the result of "pathogenic care". It would be highly unlikely for your biological child to develop a full blown attachment disorder, unless exposed to trauma at the hands of his caregivers or being passed from one caregiver to another. Autism spectrum disorders can also mimic "symptoms" of attachment problems.
Comment: The holy "DSM" also says that Antisocial Personality equals Psychopathy. It doesn't. Read: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/54831 . And I am a psych student. I think you can have an attachment disorder without being abused, it could even be Psychopathy. This is biological. Not the parent's fault
Comment: While the DSM does describe the cause of attachment disorder as "pathogenic care," that type of care can be because the child is hospitalized or the mother has post partum depression, to name just a couple of alternative causes.
Comment: jo83, no one's telling you to adopt domestically. this article was purely warning prospective parents the dangers of adoption. domestic and forgien children alike are at risk tp psychological damage. not every child is willing to love and be loved. psychological damage at a young age can be irreverisble, and in unfortunate circumstances, these children are passed off as "healthy" and not getting the therapy they need. futhurmore, many people are unaware of the "dark side" of adoption, and do not know where to reach out for help. this article wasn't meant to offend infertile couples, but rather warn them of the dangers of adoption.
Comment: Has anyone had any experience with adopting from Kazakhstan, Karaganda in specific?
Comment: Has any one had any experience with adopting from Kazakhstan? Especially from Karaganda? Any feedback would be great.
Comment: After reading about adoption gone bad, I f eel so fortunate to have had the experience of adopting two children from South America. We adopted two infants at the same time ages 2 and 6 weeks old. My daughter was very ill at 6 weeks old, but after doctor visits and anibiotics to clear her digestive system, she was fine. Being able to adopt at a very early age, was a plus. My husband and I went through a private adoption. We were able to do this through varies contacts. Our chilldren's adoption was finalized in the country that they were from. The process took a year before we finally had the children which seems like forever when you are an adoptive parent. It was not always a smooth transaction and we did have some roller coaster trials that we faced during the process. Both weighed five pounds at 4 and 6 weekswhen I first held each one. Our children are now 26 years old, both above average intelligence well adjusted adults. Both are married and we are expecting our first grandchild in a few months. I was in the room during the sonogram and heard that precious heart beat and saw that little one pound baby boy's arms and legs moving was more than I could ever ask for. God has truly blessed us with our children and the spouse that they chose. If we had it to do over, we would do it again a million times. My heart and prayers go out to the families and the children that I have read about in the article.
Comment: I would highly recommed to anyone interested in adopting a child (foreign or domestic) to be very informed about RAD. Not every child will have attachment issues, but many do. Find a therapist that is specifically trained in reactive attachment disorder, and then find a neurofeedback provider to address the physiology of the brain. RAD is a child in fight-or-flight mode. Unless you address the physiology of the brain, no amount of therapy or love is going to matter. There is hope..............good luck!
Comment: I would highly recommeded that anyone adopting a child explore RAD as a possibility. Certainly not all children that are adopted struggle with attachment issues, but many do. Once you have found a therapist that specializes in Reactive Attachment Disorder, find a Neurofeedback Provider to address the overarousal of the brain. These children are in fight-or-flight mode and without addressing the physiology of the brain (the intense fear), no amount of therapy or love is going to be helpful. Good luck............there is hope!
Comment: Adoptive parents needs to realize that just because you can pick the child that does not mean that your child is as perfect as you expected. Just like biological children, adoptive children can have problems too. I'm appaled with the comments from Joyce Sterkel that she understands why parents end up killing these kids. You do not kill children because they show no love or empathy. I know many parents who has biological children with developmental disorders. These children has similar traits and problems as these adoptive childrens. Most of parents of disabled child do not give up their child once they know that their child is disabled. Many developmental disorders are not known from birth either. Autism, for example is usually diagnosed when the child is older than 2.
Comment: Adoptive parents needs to realize that just because you can pick the child that does not mean that your child is as perfect as you expected. Just like biological children, adoptive children can have problems too. I'm appaled with the comments from Joyce Sterkel that she understands why parents end up killing these kids. You do not kill children because they show no love or empathy. I know many parents who has biological children with developmental disorders. These children has similar traits and problems as these adoptive childrens. Most of parents of disabled child do not give up their child once they know that their child is disabled. Many developmental disorders are not known from birth either. Autism, for example is usually diagnosed when the child is older than 2.
Comment: And to all of you who have had bad experiences, my heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry. My God bless you, and heal you. I have only known joy from our experience.
Comment: You don't need to go abroad to find these horror stories. We had a similar experience with the Dept. of Human Services right here in the good ol US of A!
Comment: How about when an adoption goes right? I adopted three beautiful girls ages nine, nine and six from Stavropol, Russia three years ago. I read all I could about every disorder, and worried, and fretted, but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. After we made our initial trip to visit the girls, we came home, and called them EVERY week until we returned three months later to claim them for our own. They are now thirteen, thirteen, and ten. They are beautiful, intelligent, articulate, well adjusted and loving young ladies. They have blessed us more than I can ever say. Each story that has been written about bad adoptions - in my eyes it is obvious why. If someone asks you to lie or do something on your paperwork that you shouldn't do, there is a big warning sign.
We have been told many many times that we got "lucky". While there are no guarantees, you can certainly hedge your bets on success if you don't make the mistakes this article shows and discribes. My advice is to HUG that child as soon as you see them. Get in their space. Get in their FACE. And love them. Tell them. Show them. And then DO it.
For a more positive story - www.singhappy2.blogspot.com
Comment: This problem is not just with international adoptions. My husband and I have three adopted children. Our two sons were 9 months and 8 weeks when we adopted them-We fianlized on our daughter last May. We were made to jump through every hoop available and told we were adopting a sibling pair which DHHS then told us we were not "Up to handling both girls" and we had the option of adopting only the younger more challenging child or neither. We were told if we did not adopt her, she and her sister would be split up and never see each other again. Of course we didn't want that to happen so we agreed to adopt her never having her complete background until after the adoption was final. We are now dealing with the fallout from this decision and are looking to place our daughter in a group home before our entire family is destroyed.
Comment: I cannot even bear to read the story. Adoption is an open commitment. It is an opportunity to be a parent to a child who needs a parent. Hopefully, the choice will bring these strangers to a bond of love and respect.
My daughter came to me as an infant. Hungry and scared. It took her two months to finally heal physically. The laughter that abounded from her body was such a joy to see behind her glee.
Whether she has healed emotionally from the fact that she does not have the biological tie, is an important concern. But, she is adored by all around her.
The choice to bring this beautiful daughter into our lives was a fulfillment for me in a heart that desired such a union. As with all children, they yearn to be loved by the parent. If, the parent cannot fulfill that need, they being the adult need to ask for the help.
It does not matter whether you conceive this child or receive this child, love ties that bond. Children are still the innoncents. It is the adults that create the paths that children either have choices on as they go down the road, being good or bad. Please, seek the help, for it does exist. Taking a purely wonderful human being as a child and destroying that perfection is a loss for all of mankind.
Comment: I am an aodptive mother of three. Two from the california foster care system that were adopted at 5 and 6 and one 2 years old from private adoption adopted at birth. A lot that is mentioned here really has nothing to do with international adoption. It has to do with ANY adoption of a child that was at any time exposed to abuse or neglect. My older children have displayed some of the same exact "symptoms" of the international adoptees. My todler has never known anything other than my husbadn and i and he is day and night different from my other two. They are so hard to love or even like due to their lack of empathy, love or happiness. any display of love is a manipulation to get something and any show of empathy is normally attention seeking while others are around. i find myself wishing every day that i can go back and un-do my desision to adopt. I wasnted to make a difference in their lives. I had all the training on the "worst case senarios" but was told my their social worker that they were loving sweet children who would do great in a family setting. Liars.
Comment: Our family has exeriencd the same thing wth a state adoption. The teenaged boy that we took was violent, threatened to kill us, attacked our sons, stole, lied, etc. We finaly had him removed when we found detailed
plans to murder us. Several months later, he tried to come home, and we refused. Then I was accused of
sexual abuse, and I've been fighting in the courts since then. Nobody believes that these kids make up stories, but we have seen this for ourselves. My heart goes out to you and your husband, and I know that this is a terrible situation. The fact remains that if you are accused of a sex crime by a child or teen, reason is thrown out the window, and you are guilty until proven innocent.
Comment: We adopted 4 girls from Romania. They had been in the orphanages since birth. Ages of adoption were 2 at 8, 10, 14. Girls lied unbelievably accusing husband of abuse. Subsequently judge didn't want to hear of reactive attachment disorders, threats on our lives,the abuse to us , the parents., their indescrett behavior towards men, running away , etc. Sad to say but due to these false allegations my innocent husband is serving time in prison. All inter-country adoptions need to be prohibited completely.
Comment: We are the parents of 4 adoptive girls from Romania. They all had reactive detachment disorders. Sad to say we were never told of the horros of these children. We disrupted due to vicious lies and allegations these girls told against my husband. Sadly enough the judge didn't want to hear any of these issues therefore my husband is currently serving time in prison for falsehoods brought about from these damaged children. Our judicial system is just as corrupt as inter-country adoptions. All need to be stopped.
Comment: I am so sorry for what you've been through, but abolishing international adoption isn't the answer.
A few bad apples shouldn't ruin it for the over 20,000 kids a year who find homes in the US. Most of us who adopt internationally do turn to the foster care system first, but back away from it for varied reasons. We didn't just wake up one day and say, "Hmm, I think I'll go to Russia and adopt a baby!" and hop the nearest flight. There are long and complicated stories behind our decisions.
Don't trivialize our choices by saying "But there are so many kids here in the US who need homes!". Most people who say this have no idea. Some of the people most opposed to us going through the US system had adopted kids from here themselves and gone through hell. Most of the happy families we know have kids from other countries. So we made the decision that was best for us, after lots and lots of research. I was prepared for my kid to have issues, in theory, and I thank God that he hasn't. But I also went into this with eyes wide open, not wearing my heart on my sleeve like so many preadoptive parents.
God bless all families, no matter how they are formed, and I hope that all will find peace.
Comment: Sorry about your bad experience, but that doesn't mean that my son (adopted from Russia at a year old and now thriving) should have been condemned to spend his life in a horrible orphanage because "some people" haven't had a path of sunshine and roses. Information is the key---not emotion.
Comment: We have 6 adopted children. All of them are special needs and we received them as babies. We received very little information about the birth parents beforehand, especially the two boys from Korea. They have all been a blessing and a trial at times but I don't know if it would have been worse if they had been our birth-children. Three of them have emotional disorders and that has been the hardest to deal with as there is so little help for children in that area. Physical disorders are much easier to cope with even though there is emotional difficulty there. We have been to hell and back with them and we couldn't love them more than we do our biological child. They're turning into great adults. We have taken each of our experiences with each child as an opportunity for personal growth, although I must admit that sometimes that is easier to do in retrospect, after whatever whirlwind is over.
Comment: My son was born into foster care and for political reasons we never understood wallowed in foster care for 2 years in 3 different homes and became a typical case of reactive attachment disorder at the age of 5. Adoption in the US still focuses on the rights of the birthparents, often at the expense of the children that are supposed to be protected. My financial, social and emotional well being has been destroyed and I resent the fact that there are people who judge others without having "walked in our shoes". How many children have been killed at the hands of their own biological parents? Do those parents get stripped of their rights to parent any more children - - heaven forbid we violate thier constitutional rights. Do your research into attachment disorder and you will see into my world. No one prepared me for dealing with a reactive disordered child and I had to find the resources by myself.
Comment: Yes, but adoption in the US had made a bad name for itself, due to the fact that many times once a child has been placed in a home and the bonding process has started, parents can come back years later after having giving up their child for adoption to reclaim them. And many times (if not every time) the court sees the parent as having rights over their birth child and therefore the child is taken out of a loving enviroment and placed with a parent that they feel didn't want them in the frst place. How many people do you know what to raise a child for 5, 10, 15 years before the court desides to come snatch the child out of your home because one or both of their parents want them back? I don't know any.
Not only that, I'm not saying that every child doesn't need a home because I believe they do - however, when you adopt a child from a third world country, you're giving that child/ person a chance and an opportunity to live a life that the unadopted child here in the US will already have. The US is a rich country and has several things to offer, which many people want to give that opportunity to a child who may never have that chance. We're talking about a desent education, a warm, loving home with running water, personal growth on levels that are not available in some countries.
Comment: As an adoptive mother of a child who spent the first two years of his life being shuttled from foster home to foster home only to manifest the classic symptoms of attachment disorder, I can only say to the mother "I understand". I have been fired from work twice for excessive absences and had to endure the pain of seeing my son locked up, drugged up, and strapped up because of the out of control rage so often seen in these children. It will destroy your marriage, your finances, and your career whether you have good insurance or not! the children are the one's who suffer the most and I resent the fact that people are being judgemental towards those they do not even know. I invite you into my world. Adoption in the US is no easier than foreign adoption but for different reasons. ..my son wallowed in foster care for nearly 2 years when we had a home ready, willing, and able to take him but for political reasons we never understood were not given that opportunity and my son paid the price with emotional baggage that will be with him for life. Do your research on attachment disorder and you will see my life as an adoptive Mom. The birthparents still have all the rights and the best interests of the children are often ignored.
Comment: I am a 25 year old adoptive mother of 2 .they are siblings(12 year old girla nd a 5 year old boy)i also have a biological son age 3.Many times i feel alone and its as if i have no on eto turn to for help or guidance.my 12 year old has add,post traumatic,and reactive attatchment disorders and my 5 year old has adhd,post traumatic,and reactive attatchment disorders and both are special needs.many of these diagnosis were not made available to me until after the adoption .i am very young and stuggle on a daily basis to treat all of them equally,but i can understand where some of these parents get so frustrated because these children can b very difficult.I have learned through all of this that by taking care of me insteading of always putting myself on the back burner has given myself the energy and focus that i need to get through each day.i know that i can only take it one day at a time and i know that if i get through today that tommorrow will get easier...so with that said i hope that my insight has helped a little.
Comment: I wanted to say thanks for the adivse about taking care of yourself. i feel as though my youngest is like our biological child because we got him at three days old and i struggle to treat my other two the same. they offer me no realt love like i get fro the baby. i am so happy we adopted the baby, but with my older children... i would have changed that all over again. i used to feel like the people who said that they only wanted babies were so selfish and now i understand... Thanks again for your post.
Comment: I'm only 18 but when I get married I plan on adopting abroad as well...and this is really scary to read about. I never would have thought that these adoption agencies would be so manipulative and deceitful. Its sad for both the parents and the children; instead of getting the help they need these children are thrust into families that don't know how to handle them and the parents are just as confused. No one is at fault here except the agencies and I think international laws should somehow stop this.
Comment: I have a random question... My husband is not adopted, but his father did die when he was only 4 and he was raised by his mother and eventually an abusive step-father. He has told me a million times over that he was not really abused any more than normal children, spankings and such, but he acts out in many of the ways you have listed at the end of this post:
- Aggressive, bullying, violent behavior
- Behavioral melt-downs when parents are trying to get the child to do homework, or when there is lots of noise or activity (Mostly when I ask him to help around the house)
- Explosive anger when confronted with relatively minor disappointments or delays
- Insists on being in control at all times
- Terrified of being alone, or the other extreme, insists on being left alone (when I've threatened to leave him he breaks down and begs me not to walk out on him and leave him all alone)
Could his symptoms and mood swings somehow be related?
Comment: Absolutely. Your husband sounds like he's suffering from PTSD and he needs help ASAP. If he doesn't get it, he's liable to take out the abuse he suffered on your children. He needs individual therapy and you need supportive counseling. Start right now and good luck to both of you. I pray it works out for you.
Comment: Absolutely. Your husband sounds like he's suffering from PTSD and he needs help ASAP. He needs individual therapy and you need supportive counseling. Start right now and good luck to both of you. I pray it works out.
Comment: thank you for focusing on the effects of early trauma by mentioning PTSD. So often "these kids" get labeled as RAD which is often only a part of the picture. What is often missed is the effects of early truama (including repeated separations or absence of a loving, committed caregiver) and what that does to the child's literal physiology (brain and body). I highly recommend the book "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog" by Dr. Bruce Perry (I'm not associated with him in any way). He does a very good job at explainign what is happening with these kids and offers some hope.
Another thing to consider is that parents who are parenting traumatized children, you also can become traumatized and start to exhibit signs of PTSD. If you do, seek help not only for your child, but for yourself as well. A truamatized child being parented by a traumatized parent is not going to heal.
Comment: This is always a difficult discussion. It used to be that the assumption was that a childless couple was so desperate for the love of a child that any child would do. But it is becoming increasingly painfully obvious that for many couples it is more a case of, any child will do as long as it's the "right" child. And that is a sad state of affairs for everybody. It pains me to believe that there are children in the world that NOBODY wants.
Comment: Why don't you go ahead and adopt all the children nobody wants? Or is it just the responsibiltiy of infertile people to save the children of the world? Get off your high horse and adopt a special needs child.
Comment: A bit harsh. Look we adopted four children from foster care. E. who has Asperger's Syndrome, J. who has pediatric onset bipolar disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defient Disorder, and Attachment issues, C who has autism, and our lovely DD who was exposed to cocaine and meth in the womb and has immunological disorders and problems with her bones, teeth, and ability to process information (although she is quite bright). We adopted these children not because we were infertile and any child would do -- but because WE WANTED SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN WHO NEEDED A LOVING HOME. Unless you really want to do what we do, then find yourself the child you want, otherwise the moments of joy will not outweight the moments of sadness and the chaos in you family's life.
Being infertile is difficult. Having folks think that because one is infertile then any child will do is absurd. Like everything else, parenting special needs children takes a specific skill set that not everyone has...
Comment: Why don't you go ahead and adopt the chilren nobody wants then. Or is it only responsibility of infertile people to save the world's children?
Comment: I apologize, I must not have written my comment very well for you to have misunderstood it so completely. I never intended to imply that adoptive or infertile parents are responsible for the world's parentless children. I only meant to comment on sadness of the situation.
I myself had to give up a child for adoption. I have never raised a child. It was the hardest most difficult decision I ever made, with significant consequences for me and my child.
As I said at the beginning of my original post, the whole thing is a difficult situation. to rephrase the comment you misunderstood completely: It saddens me to believe that there may be children that are unwanted by their birth parents and unwanted by any adoptive parents. I know it happens. I know that even in my own country sometimes children are herded through government agencies and never adopted. I am only saying that I find that sad. I am NOT saying that adoptive or infertile couples are in any way responsible for the sadness or for all the children in the world without parents.
Comment: While this is a tragic event that could have been avoided, it illustrates several issues with international adoptions. Too many agencies with profit in mind and not the children, adequate support systems in place in order to cut costs and resources for those that are struggling with an adopted child that need special attention.
Comment: Hopefully the adoption agency responsible for this child has done some kind of analysis of this situation. It is obvious that Mrs. Hilt was struggling with this child and the issues that are prevalent in this kind of adoption. It is important for any couple that is going to adopt from a third world country to understand the issues that will be obvious and furthermeor it is up to the adoption agency to have resources in place for such instances. It is a sad story for all involved and I believe it could have been prevented.
Comment: We have two domestically adopted daughters who came through the fostercare system. While we love our girls, I have to say nothing here is unfamiliar to me. I think it is worth mentioning these issues are common to many adopted children, especially older children who have traumatic histories.
Comment: I just wanted to reply to as well as an adoptive mother of a domestic sib group of 4 (two girls and two boys) I see this everyday. My boys especially have many of these behaviors. In fact my youngest son jus recently went to stay at a diagnostic unit for 45 days at the schools request to try and get a handle on what is going on with him. Three of my four are disabled, all adhd, and my boys both have some mental illness problems. I still feel blessed with my kids in my life even with the everyday struggles we face.
Comment: We have two domestically adopted daughters who went through the fostercare system and while we love our girls, everything in this article is very familiar. I think it should be mentioned these issues are not specific to international adoption.
Comment: Lonewolf Ted,
You are an inspiration ! I encourage you to act upon your desire to help kids in foster care. Your life experiences and choices set a rare and prime example for kids in the system surrounded by few or none they can look up to. While you cannot change all of their lives, they might listen far better to someone who has been in their shoes and can show them life CAN be good . This "light" in their lives could become a goal for some, who otherwise have no direction.
Comment: Lonewolf Ted,
You are an inspiration ! I encourage you to act upon your desire to help kids in foster care. Your life experiences and choices set a rare and prime example for kids in the system surrounded by few or none they can look up to. While you cannot change all of their lives, they might listen far better to someone who has been in their shoes and can show them life CAN be good . This "light" in their lives could become a goal for some, who otherwise have no direction.
Comment: I have been very blessed with my 2 foreign adoptions. I have a 23 year old son from Korea, who is now
in his 5 year of college and doing wonderful. My 11 year old daughter is also doing very well. I love these
children. They have been the most positive part of my life. I'm sure there have been problem adoptions, and
I thank the good Lord above for my children. Any child needs compassion and foremost love. It is sad that
there are those souless people, and they are not just in foreign countries.
Comment: We adopted an older child from Russiia in 2003 and we've been blessed that he didn't have all the problems that some children come bundled with...not to say he's not had some problems..he's doing well and in a Junior at a Jesuit High School. However, our double nightmare was with the adoption agency in the USA and the INS. The adoption agency delayed the adoption by 5+ months and that is a long story...
The INS is in violation of Federal Law that went into effect in 2001. The law is simple - when a child is adopted from a foreign country and the parents are bonafide US Citizens, then upon entering the USA, the child is automatically a US Citizen...however the INS to this day still classifies our son as a "Premanent Resdient Alien".... Funny, the US State Dept. readily gave our son a US Passport, the SS Dept a SSN, and all other Federal and State agencies recognize our son as a US Citizen - ALL BUT THE INS!!!...if you thought you feared the IRS...the INS is much worse and if you want the real source of the imigration problems in the USA to go away...FIRE ALL THE INS EMPLOYEES and let's start over with people that care! Oh and to have our son's status changed takes 15 pages of paperwork and $600.00. The INS is a department of the Federal Government operating outside of the laws of the USA and is the biggest scam to date of the unsuspecting adopting parents.
Comment: I am a productive adult who grew up in foster care and know of the problems children can be who are mentally and physically abused. You learn to build a wall of mistrust and find it near impossiable to be close and affeciate with anyone. I am a stable and productive adult by choice, even tho I did have my rocky and turbulant childhood. I only negative charateristics I seem to carry with me is the inability to find and keep long term relationships. I am not anti-social just very guarded in getting too close and find it easy to walk away from a difficult relationship as when I was a child that moving from one foster home to another was no longer a big issue..you just give up on anything lasting more than a year or two. I want to go on and say that I have never physically nor sexually abused anyone nor ever plan to, even tho it happened to me as a child many times. By the way I am 41 year old male who went into the fostercare system at the age of 6 after my mother died from an illness and my father was an alcohalic who perferred his drink over being bothered to raise his children. I have often considered offering some insight to troubled foster and troubled adoptive children but find most agencies don't trust a male whos been through these things and understandably so with the terrible stories you hear these days but these awful things have been going on for years but it was just easy for social workers who are under paid and under staffed to close their eyes and ears to such atroicities. Not many people know my story as I don't share it because I live a comfortable life with a good job and education and rather not bring my past in to complicate matters. I do have sympathy and understand what some of these parents go thru with trying to raise an orphaned child but they need to realize that these are people who have developed an animal instect that only the strong survive, they just have yet learned that education and personal success are the greatest survival tools available..it took me several years to come to that conclusion and am still working on my college degree but will soon have that with no government or private help just a strong desire to be as much as I can achieve. Thank you for listening just thought you would like to hear about someone who made it through the system without falling into the drug and criminal way of life and believes anyone can be a productive part of society once the chose to do so. Sincerely Ted
Comment: It disturbs me -as a human and as sexual educator - to see that masturbation is listed as the number one warning sign in this list. Our puritanical society has criminalize a NORMAL and HEALTHY action of all children. Children are curious about their bodies, folks, and the only damage done is when parents over-react and punish the child for being "dirty" and "disgusting" and "sick" and "sinful" - that's where the danger is, not in a child touching him or herself. That???s part of the human experience, and the more we do to help our children become comfortable in their own skin, the better.
That said, I should add two things: most people consider ???masturbation??? to mean self-stimulation to the point of orgasm, but in clinical terms, this can also include any sort of self-exploration ??? as children do; OBSESSIVE masturbation ???at any age - can be a warning sign of some sort of sexual dysfunction.
But punish a child just for touching him or herself? Please don???t! Their future husbands and wives will thank you for your compassion and empathy. That???s nothing more than a child exploring the miracle that is the human body, and parents should be advised not to traumatize their children for this behavior. It can have life-long effects on their sense of self-worth and it can permanently damage their futures as happy, healthy, sexual beings.
Comment: Dana I would think you'd see this in other than black and white terms. I was sexually abused as a child and the masturbation and later, promiscuity, went way beyond "normal" curiosity about one's body -- it was an unhealthy compulsion.
Comment: My wife and I adopted a one-year old girl from Kazakhstan. She's now a heathly, beautiful five-year old and we couldn't imagine our lives without her. But we know we were lucky. Things could have turned out far differently if we had to deal with attachment issues. But going into it, we had our eyes open. We avoided Russia for the very reasons listed in the other comments. We read every resource out there on attachment disorder and what we may potentially face. But again, we were lucky.
This story is a tragedy, but a prevantable one. Knowing attachment issues are a real possibility, prospesctive parents need to know the risks and, more importantly, they need to know what to do when there are problems. It's a bit like the deinstitutionalization problem we created decades ago. We reintegrated people into society with severe emotional and mental problems with little more than a prescription in their hand, and many failed. The adoption agencies need to vigilantly read the post-placement reports provided by the parents and ensure they are getting the support they need, and the parents need to educate themselves about what they're getting into. Adoption is a long, difficult, and expensive process with no guarentees - but in many cases, the rewards are well-worth the risks.
One last thing - a mother with an emotional disorder who gets drunk and kills her daughter speaks to more relevant issues than international adoption.
Comment: This child had Attachment Disorder which is very common with children who never bonded as an infant to a caring care giver. It is devastating for a family that adopts a child with this disorder. This disorder can occur in children who have been adopted from fostercare or even if a child has been in anyway from bonding with a caregiver. It does not only happen in foreign adoptions. Unfortunately it appears that the child did not have appropriate treatment. Even with treatment many times children do not recover and they go on to become very damaged adults who have no conscience. I am not excusing the mother. She should of reached out and gotten help for her family. But then where is the father in all of this? Surely he knew his wife was falling apart. He should of reached
