When Adoption Goes Wrong

It used to be that children were placed for adoption because they were orphans, illegitimate, or because poverty left their parents no other alternative.

In the current "adoption market," parental instability (primarily mental and emotional ) seems to be the common denominator in children ending up in the adoption sector of society. I believe this is true in America by a longshot and, with respect to certain areas overseas, -- primarily Russia and some Eastern European populations -- this is also true, despite claims by adoptionists that oppressiveillnesses are the key reasons for relinquishing children to the adoption system. economic conditions serve as the principal catalyst for the parental decision to surrender children for adoption.. No. Parental Alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse of all kinds (including sexual abuse) and mental illnesses are the key factors influencing the decision to place children for adoption. Later on, some or all of those ills become apparent in the offspring as well.

Here's an idea: Reward and remunerate citizens who reliably practice birth control; ensure that the remuneration is greater than the amount these people would receive in public assistance for an average of three kids. If such a proposal seems like an outrageous expense, think of the projected financial implications a hypothetical government will suffer should the current trend continue unabated. Until we put a cork in the dike of indiscriminate reproduction, we'll continue to witness the continuation of a long line of sociopaths and severely mentally impaired people being marketed to prospective parents as "adoptable."

Either that, or start putting the money where it really belongs: into the hands of the heroes who adopt these otherwise unadoptable children.

This is so sad. It seems not only terribly tragic for the child(ren) involved, but for the adoptive parents, especially the ones who elected to adopt rather than pursue a totally "self-driven" path (i.e., spending thousands on fertility treatments, IVF, etc.).

Besides the unfairness of the whole situation to all involved, it seems an especially cruel irony that adoptive parents are paying thousands of dollars to adopt these types of children. Shouldn't the adoptive parents be the ones receiving payment???

This is heartbreaking; it makes me so thankful that I've been abe to have my own kids.

my dear friend just adopted 2 boys from russia and i live in FEAR everyday of what she may have to deal with in the future. the older one looks at you with "dead" eyes, but the younger one seems to be thriving. i PRAY that she and her husband do not have to deal with the horrors that some of you have had to deal with. we tried to talk them out of adopting over seas, but she completely tuned us out. she wanted children SO BAD we are afraid that she took the first 2 that were offered to her. when we call to check on them, she doesn't like to tell us what is really going on, she ends every sentence with "they're great. they're beautiful. i love them." we know the older one is having some problems already, but she won't tell us the whole story. i think she is afraid we would say "i tried to tell you," but i would NEVER do that. they are such sweet, kind people who wanted to be parents more than anything, but we are so afraid they may have gotten more than they bargained for.

The craziest thing about this story is that I am there and don't even know it! My son is not my biological son, but in all ways, I treat him as my own. This could be confusing to some parents as all of the points in the list at the end can match perfectly with one's own biological children! Before my son and his siblings and mother came to me, I had firm beliefs in how to raise children, should I ever be fortunate enough to have any. EVERY one of those ideas was shattered! All children are small individuals, and all people like to be heard. My relationship with my son is better than his mother's, but through no fault of his or hers. Some people are simply unable to relate on terms a child desperately needs to be related on. At other times questions of who is the adult and who is the child come up! I just want to say that ANYONE dealing with a troubled child should certainly have a check up for themselves, NO ONE can assist another if not right with themselves! And blessings upon those who dive in and give all they have to those in need of it!

I just want to say that foreign adoptions are not the only ones having to face these issues. Domestic adoptions face the same behaviors and effects on their families. Unless you live it, you have absolutely no clue what it is like. I have totally changed as a person. Every day is about being "on guard". While I think what happened to Nina is absolutely horrible, I have been there, and I understand that breaking point. You have to get help before then. Find someone you can talk to that is "on your side". Someone who can give you answers to your questions and help you keep control. It has helped keep me sane.

I raised a son alone and he was an air force pilot and Capt in the AF. I lost him at 25 yrs. old. I was taking care of my mother in advanced stages of Alzheimer's at the same time. When I lost my son (whom I raised alone), I died inside and was in such shock, I don't know why I didn't die. He was the only family I had. I met and married my husband 2 1/2 yrs. later, and after five years of marriage, I talked my husband into adoption two siblings from Siberia (Russia). The boy was eight and his sister almost six. It has been twelve years of total hell. At 16, our son got into drugs and alcohol. We had him in-patient, out-patient, emergency rooms, etc. He is still a mess and we had him registered for college last in August of 07, but he turned around and joined the army and is in Iraq. Quite honestly, I am afraid of him. His sister, who is 17 now, will be 18 in January, has been in counselling almost constantly since we have had her to no avail. She has been a horrible child to raise (I won't go into specifics), but she treats me, her mother, so terribly, that I have her an alternative - she either treats me with respect (not hard) or she moves out. She said "is wasn't going to happen" and she moved in with a friend. She took the new truck we had bought her, all her clothes, and off she went. She is in her last year of high school, in in sports, and has a part-time job, but she absolutely treats me like dirt, like she always has. I won't go into her childhood, but it was really bad, plus I had ovarian cancer during that time, and she made it as impossible as she could. If I had known, I never would have adopted from Russia. They don't tell you the childrens' backgrounds until after you have adopted them, and then it is too late. I would never advise anyone to adopt from Russia. I'm sure there have been many adoptions that have worked well, but I know that many haven't, and this has taken a terrible toll on me, our marriage, and my health.

How very tragic. Nina sounds like she had full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder. RAD is a mental illness and these children who have RAD can be very difficult to parent and even dangerous.
I believe Hilt was overwhelmed with parenting and it's too bad she could not have received therapy for her ill child. This is not that rare as you speak of. I am adoptive mother of 5 children. I know and work with many adoptive parents. RAD is more common than is spoken of. Especially in children from Russia and Eastern Europe. These kids are seriously ill and have major mental issues. Any parent would struggle with parenting a child like that. Nina also probably suffered from FAS. Any parent would have snapped dealing with such a mentally ill child.
I feel for Hilt. She obviously went into the adoption with a big heart and a desire to love and parent.
I feel for her. I hope she can get out early and get some therapy for the grief she must be dealing with.
I know of many many families who are suffering with their adoptive children. They may be children but they can be seriously dangerous for a family to live with.

Check out Nina's memorial website: www.remembernina.com

My wife and I adopted two young children from Russia eight years ago. It's been a nightmare I have yet to be able to awaken from . This adoption is the one thing in my life I wish I could do over or, rather, not do at all. The kids simply do not care about anything other than their immediate wants and desires. We've had fires, school expulsions, assaults on teachers, sexual acting out and finally, I called the police on one of them for disorderly conduct when he struck out at us form making him clean his room. I would send them back tomorrow. No, today.