When Adoption Goes Wrong

The Hilts may have been victims of a corrupt system but they are at fault for not seeking legal advice and medical and pyschiatric help for their adopted child and their family to help them cope with adopting a disturbed child. There is no excuse for the crime Mrs. Hilt committed. This is not a problem specific to international children but for many children in the United States who have had traumatic childhoods and are victims of abuse and neglect. People should not be so naive as to think that adopting from overseas is easier than adopting an American child, in terms of the child's behavior. And people should also be very careful when dealing with a foreign institution so as to not be duped as the Hilts were.

The Hilts may have been victims of a corrupt system but they are at fault for not seeking legal advice and medical and pyschiatric help for their adopted child and their family to help them cope with adopting a disturbed child. There is no excuse for the crime Mrs. Hilt committed. This is not a problem specific to international children but for many children in the United States who have had traumatic childhoods and are victims of abuse and neglect. People should not be so naive as to think that adopting from overseas is easier than adopting an American child, in terms of the child's behavior. And people should also be very careful when dealing with a foreign institution so as to not be duped as the Hilts were.

There is no easy fix for this. We live in a world where anyone can give birth, but you need a license to drive a car or keep a pet. Helpless children pay the price. I give a lot of credit to those who are able to adopt. Its the secrets and lies that hinder the adoptive parents, and I hope that any are able to get the help and support they need. At the rate children learn and absorve information in the first few years - is it any wonder that the sufferings and experiences they endure from unborn child to birth to toddler and older is the whole of their being? Of course there will be consequences to what they've experienced. But the life the child lives waiting for their chance to be adopted is a whole problem unto itself (even in the US foster system). I hope the parents are ready. For all good parents (both adoptive and biological) are the only hope for the future.

As a species with a higher brain we owe it to ourselves to take good care of the very thing that makes us stand apart from other living creatures!

There is no easy fix for this. We live in a world where anyone can give birth, but you need a license to drive a car or keep a pet. Helpless children pay the price. I give a lot of credit to those who are able to adopt. Its the secrets and lies that hinder the adoptive parents, and I hope that any are able to get the help and support they need. At the rate children learn and absorve information in the first few years - is it any wonder that the sufferings and experiences they endure from unborn child to birth to toddler and beyond is the whole of their being? Of course there will be consequences to what they've experienced. But the life the child lives waiting for their chance to be adopted is a whole problem unto itself (even in the US foster system also). I hope the parents are ready. For all good parents (both adoptive and biological) are the only hope for the future.

Recently, a mister friend of the family, commenting on the topic of the adoption, said to me something that probably should correspond (fit) on having felt and to the opinion of some significant part of the society. He said to me " well, that difficult for those that children adopt, overcoat that children adopt little: how to do with this knapsack that the children bring???


He was referring to the habits of the children, to the recollections on his your family experiences and of another type, to the possible attachments with figures of previous affection, to the problems of behaviours, etc. In the end, many of the topics that have been treated when we were sharing on the myths and the erroneous beliefs and therefore, bounding.

The case is that this gentleman is a sensitive, loving and reflexive man but that he feels that the task of the adoptive parents is difficult and that such a difficulty contributes it.

There has been verified that many parents, after having lived through the process of an adoption, have concluded that the psychological preparation for the adoption is fundamental.

People also need to realize that many of these children will need SPECIAL attention and possibly psychological help too. The conditions that these children come from are horrid and being that your home may be clean and loving is a huge transititon for them, they may react in unfavorable ways. You should KNOW this before THINKING of adopting!

There's a reason why treatment aided with medicine seems to work best, because in such cases the child is suffering from some concrete mental ailment or disease arising from something affecting the mother and hence the prenatal development of the child during pregnancy. Here're some articles I found on the web relating to this:
http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/004567.html
http://www.physiciansforlife.org/content/view/595/43/
Many such kids who grow up to be adults still experience problems like depression, uncontrolled rage, psychosis etc etc. The sooner they see a psychiatrist to localize and treat the problem, the better. Even in this day and age, we underestimate mental illnesses and the enormous negative impact individuals who suffer from these problems have on their own lives, and the society they live in. Only when a person reaches the extreme stages of chronic depression or insanity or seizures etc. are they seen as being mentally ill.
Just as we try to take care of our physical health with exercise and healthy eating and get worried at the slightest sneeze, so are we responsible for our mental health, even more so because only a healthy mind can lead to a healthy body. In fact, it doesn't harm the happiest of people to consult a psychiatrist on a regular basis because it provides an avenue to seek out ways to further improve their quality of life by improving mental health.

There's a reason why treatment aided with medicine seems to work best, because in such cases the child is suffering from some concrete mental ailment or disease arising from something affecting the mother and hence the prenatal development of the child during pregnancy. Here're some articles I found on the web relating to this:
http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/004567.html
http://www.physiciansforlife.org/content/view/595/43/
Many such kids who grow up to be adults still experience problems like depression, uncontrolled rage, psychosis etc etc. The sooner they see a psychiatrist to localize and treat the problem, the better. Even in this day and age, we underestimate mental illnesses and the enormous negative impact individuals who suffer from these problems have on their own lives, and the society they live in. Only when a person reaches the extreme stages of chronic depression or insanity or seizures etc. are they seen as being mentally ill.
Just as we try to take care of our physical health with exercise and healthy eating and get worried at the slightest sneeze, so are we responsible for our mental health, even more so because only a healthy mind can lead to a healthy body. In fact, it doesn't harm the happiest of people to consult a psychiatrist on a regular basis because it provides an avenue to seek out ways to further improve their quality of life by improving mental health.

I worked reidential treatment for a long time with children like this. the most common diagnosis was Reactive Attachment Disoder which is often combined with lots of the other things they talked about. It is extremely tough for the families of the children but, it is also difficult for the children to try adjust to something they are not used to. There needs to be a lot more awareness on this issue and I think this is a great article but, more needs to be done.
There are a lot of kids that need help getting out of their situations in the US and other countries but, we need to know the background of these children and people adopting need to know that they are doing a wonderful thing but, much more will need to be done to have the children grow up and be well adjusted.

I WAS adopted from an orphanage in Colombia in the 70's, and i WISH this information, research, and support system existed for me when I was still a child. I exhibited a LOT of those behaviors and I remember what I felt on the inside. I know I scared people, and I scared myself. I know I was not quite as extreme as the article, but I also knew the profound RAGE I felt on the inside and the extreme need to protect myself as if I was at war. Now, as a 32 year old adult I am and have been in therapy doing the re-parenting and healing of the extreme trauma suffered as an infant. That in itself is a gray area and a struggle. I COMPLETELY agree with the article that parents of adopted children NEED to be informed and already aware of the resources and tools they may need to assist a human being that comes from an extreme environment they may never understand first hand. I wasn't so lucky, since my own adopted mother proved mentally unstable and complicated my issues; however, there is REAL hope for parents who are able to go on this very involved healing journey with their international adopted children.. Also, I DO agree with the need to study US adoptions as well :-)

I WAS adopted from an orphanage in Colombia in the 70's, and i WISH this information, research, and support system existed for me when I was still a child. I exhibited a LOT of those behaviors and I remember what I felt on the inside. I know I scared people, and I scared myself. I know I was not quite as extreme as the article, but I also knew the profound RAGE I felt on the inside and the extreme need to protect myself as if I was at war. Now, as a 32 year old adult I am and have been in therapy doing the re-parenting and healing of the extreme trauma suffered as an infant. That in itself is a gray area and a struggle. I COMPLETELY agree with the article that parents of adopted children NEED to be informed and already aware of the resources and tools they may need to assist a human being that comes from an extreme environment they may never understand first hand. I wasn't so lucky, since my own adopted mother proved mentally unstable and complicated my issues; however, there is REAL hope for parents who are able to go on this very involved healing journey with their international adopted children.. Also, I DO agree with the need to study US adoptions as well :-)

I feel very sorry for both Hilt and Nina. Both were trapped in circumstances beyond their control; Nina came from what was undoubtedly an abusive background and was mentally scarred beyond repair, and Hilt didn't have access to any resources that would allow her to help her child. Reading over what she went through, I'm surprised she didn't snap earlier... she said it herself; "uncontrollable rage". I dare anyone here to say that, should they experience this emotion, they'd be able to calmly put down the child and walk away.

The failure here lies with the system, not Hilt. Many people in her position would probably react the same way. And even if she was an exception, it is obvious that this side of her was brought out because of extreme circumstances.

I'm not condoning what she did in any way, shape, or form. I'm just saying we should step off of our high-horses and realize that things are never as simple as saying "she's the bad guy". It's a shame that an uncontrollable reaction destroyed her family's life, and that the adoption agency they went to were so apathetic, uncaring, and greedy.

THOSE people are the ones we should blame, for putting both parties in this situation in the first place.

This needs to be studied in US adoptions as well. If not more so being as more than 20,000 are adopted within our own country and these same problems exist. I have two adopted brothers (much younger) and it has only been about a 15% positive experience for our family. We thought they were healthy and were told so but were misled by our own system. They have tons of problems and disorders and everyday is full of stress and exhaustion. Sadly its been a verry negative experience. They threaten to kill my parents as well as my little sisters. The go to counciling and are getting help but can't tell if it's helping at all. Of couse these kids need families, but they need families that are prepared to take care of them and that is where our system lacks.

I adopted a little boy from Russia, beautiful brown eyed little guy! He was 10 months and had some difficulty initially but soon fell right into having a family and some to care for him always. I have another son I had raised and he wonderful, he is now 22. But when this little guy turned 4 something clicked over and he was impossible. I exhausted my parenting skills! I had always been one to be judgmental about how people raised they're children and quick to pronounce them brats if they were misbehaving. Well, mine was so much worse than that! We struggled all thru Pre-K with notes every day about hitting and biting and kicking and the list just grew as time went on. I didn't know what to do! And it would totally kill me when I would try to talk to friends or school about it and they would ask..."Have you tried taking aways his gameboy or toys" Uhhhh... why didn't I ever think of that!@%!%@!! Hello people! Sitting on my living room floor, crying uncontrolably after getting yet another note from school and not knowing how to help my son, a friend of mine said: Something is wrong! I have watched how you parent him and you teach him all the right things but he just isn't getting it! I worried that I had adopted a child who was a sociopath or something because he never seemed to feel remorse or care for anything he had done. I understand the feelings of frustration and complete failure. I felt like I had let him down somewhere. That I had failed to teach him something very basic. The anguish and desperation was unbearable! So at my ropes end, I decided to take him to his pediatrician. After lengthy discussions , we decided to put him on medication. I was very worried about putting him on medicine. I had always said that it was a cop out for lazy parents. But after all we had been through I was willing to try anything. 2 weeks went by and I began to see a whole new child! Everything I had been telling him, teaching him, training him fell into place. I couldn't believe it! His self esteem began to improve and he is now a very sweet loving child. There is hope! Don't give up on your kiddos! And yes, I was very fortunate with my first son that he was so easy but kids are kids, no matter where they come from. Some will be easy and others more difficult but you can't give up! They are worth the effort! I love my son and no matter what, whether he loves me or not (which he does) I am here for the long haul. I made that decision when I decided to adopt him. Thats the problem though, people get these notions about having a baby to care for and ohh... so cute and all that... Man! their is so much more to parenting than that! So yes, think about it before you do it! How committed are you? Are you willing to love even if you aren't loved back? It's hard sometimes to love children that are born from you, can you love one who is not?

I am a mother of a child who is mildly autistic. I love my son very much and spend quite a bit of time and money to help him learn to live in the realm of normal society so he can one day be as self sufficient as he can and enjoy as much of life as possible. It takes a lot of resources to do this (both emotionally and financially) and frankly some parents are not able or capable of doing this. The same thing applies to bio parents and children and yes, is unfortunate. Of course if we lived in a "perfect" world, everyone would have the ability to do this, but we don???t and when they hit that point, it is the children that suffer. Some people may think of their adopted children are 'throw-aways', but my guess is probably not. Parents who adopt go through a lot of heartache, whether it???s finding out that they cannot have their own child or going through the rigorous adoption process. Adoptive parents often go through even more than bio parents just to give their love to a child. My thinking is that they have done everything within their power, means and understanding to help the child before handing them over to someone who could do better by that child. We are all human with our own faults and limitations. Recognizing that fact has no shame, and that is taking care of their child. If we do not recognize these issues the unfortunate tragedies will continue, just like this one.