When Adoption Goes Wrong

I am a mother of a child who is mildly autistic. I love my son very much and spend quite a bit of time and money to help him learn to live in the realm of normal society so he can one day be as self sufficient as he can and enjoy as much of life as possible. It takes a lot of resources to do this (both emotionally and financially) and frankly some parents are not able or capable of doing this. The same thing applies to bio parents and children and yes, is unfortunate. Of course if we lived in a "perfect" world, everyone would have the ability to do this, but we don???t and when they hit that point, it is the children that suffer. Some people may think of their adopted children are 'throw-aways', but my guess is probably not. Parents who adopt go through a lot of heartache, whether it???s finding out that they cannot have their own child or going through the rigorous adoption process. Adoptive parents often go through even more than bio parents just to give their love to a child. My thinking is that they have done everything within their power, means and understanding to help the child before handing them over to someone who could do better by that child. We are all human with our own faults and limitations. Recognizing that fact has no shame, and that is taking care of their child. If we do not recognize these issues the terrible tragedies will continue, just like this one.

I think the article does just fine if it's meant to be somewhat informative and its purpose is to stir up a discussion. It all seems to boil down to education, education and experience about life in general. It's also about realism versus the dream. Many people, sad to say, are dreamers, without much experience dealing with reality. When these people crash, they crash hard and everyone around them suffers. When one goes to do something as serious as an adoption one should educate oneself as thoroughly as one can on all the potential problems and possible pitfalls. The information is there, all over. The stories are there, everywhere. There is no exucse for ignorance. No matter where children are from who are up for adoption there is a good probablity that they have suffered in some way and will need special care. The reality is, even the most well trained people can struggle with kids who are sadly very damaged. What needs to be encouraged and communicated is that there are ways to get help and places to go when you're struggling. Don't wait until it's too late. Better yet, be real with yourself before you adopt. Raising kids is tough enough when they're your own. It's even tougher when they're adopted.

The behaviors described throughought the story could have been a story of children from anywhere, bio born or adopted. It is amazing to me that we put children in situations that appear normal to us and when the children react in an unexpected way we are surprised. Our expectations and reality are sometimes far apart from one another.

Perhaos the Hague Treaty on Intercountry Adoption which the US FINALLY signed will help protect children like Nina in the future.

How in the world are people like Hilt allowed to adopt? Don't they screen people for emotional stability before they give them a child?

I'm so glaaad to see that people are beginning to recognize and be more public about the difficulties surrounding adoption. It IS a wonderful experience and we love our children dearly, whether adopted or biological but we all need to be mindful of those unique circumstances that can arise.

True, many adopted children have emotional problems. However, another problem can arise even with a perfectly physically/emotionally healthy child if the adopted parent/s is/are EMOTINALLY DISTURBED. At 42 XX was educated as a professional woman, but she had never been able to sustain a relationship with family members or members of either sex. Naturally she had never been married. For some unknown reason, she decided adopting a baby would 'make her happy'. With glowing eyes, she told everyone in her vocal range all about it. Those who knew her (professionally, too) did their best to tell her she needed to 'get herself more 'content'- gentle words for tougher diagnosis. Ignoring everyone, she went ahead with the adoption. Getting an adorable 14-month-old little girl on September 14, by January 1st, she nearly came undone, saying, quote "I can't stand her always i my face." After that she allowed maternal grandparents to assist in the child's care. Now, after nearly 7 years while the child adores her, very little 'mothering' is going on with the adopted mother. Maternal grandparents have from 5 to 7 days a month care: after school all week , 3 or more nights a week , and any other time the mother 'can't stand it anymore'. (The paternal grandparents will have limited with the child.

gracefox, couldn't agree with you more.

I work with children who have reactive attachment disorder, which sounds like what Nina probably had, and I know how dificult and challenging these kids can be. They will sabotage any time you try to do anything nice for them, because they believe that they do not deserve anything nice, and they will do their best to make you hate them. They will hit, manipulate, lie, cheat, steal, they can be physically and verbally abusive. Hilt and her husband should have received help long before it got to the point where she couldn't handle her anger towards the child who refused to reciprocate her love and did everything she could to turn HIlt away from her. They are both victims of what happened, even though what Hilt did is outrageous and unquestionable wrong. More awareness needs to be brought up about adoption, both within the country and internationally, as these problems can happen with any child who has been neglected, abused, or institutionalized.

It is a shame that people are looking at children as if they are disposable items. When you agree to adopt a child - just as if you birthed your own child - you are agreeing to protect and care for your child. I empathize with parents who are dealing with children who display these types of behaviors, whether their child is adopted or their own biological child. Parents should stick it out with their child no matter what happens, life is not easy, and when you agree to adopt/have a baby you are not only agreeing to be a parent if things are easy. If these children were not adopted, if they were people's biological children, we would not be making excuses for the parents ill parenting. It's time that people begin protect and care for their children no matter what the circumstance , because that is what good parents do.

It is too bad that people see these children as disposable items. When you birth your own child and that child has problems - which just as many may have as adopted children - you cannot "return" your child. When you adopt a child, you are agreeing to become the parent, not agreeing to become the parent if everything is great. I empathize with parents adoptive or biological that have to endure dififcult/horrific behavior. It is nothing I would wish on any parent. I know a couple families that have adopted children who have shown these behaviors, but refuse to give up because as the parent, that is what they owe their children.

This woman should have got the death penalty.

psycho ***. instead of giving another chance to this child, you took her life. as an adult, you SHOULD not even resent any child, yours or an adopted child. ITS A CHILD. stop trying to make excuses, blame the others, that it didn't feel right. ITS WAS YOUR CHOICE, and you f*^7%ed it up, and I really do hope you die in prison. i'm sorry but adults who kill or prey on children do not deserve to live.

I truly feel bad for these parents. I think they go in with the best of intentions, but they don't take into account the possible phsyical and mental trauma these kids may have experienced in the past. My uncle and his wife adopted two toddlers from Russia. One is an angel, and the other is an absolute terror. She throws tantrums, is violent with her sister and lies to get her way. I know all kids go through behavioral issues, but in this case it's more extreme. I'm not excusing Mrs. Hilt's actions, but I can understand how she just lost it after she reached her breaking point.

It's obvious you haven't traveled internationally. Children in the USA aren't subjected to the diseases and living conditions children overseas have been subjected to. Children overseas are often malnourished severely and have at times been abused to the point of shutting down emotionally. Many international adoptees have witnessed rapes, murders, war etc.. Children not in the care of loving parents early on develop animal type behaviors and agression. They do not trust anyone!
I'm not saying the woman's behavior was correct, because it wasn't at all. There's never any valid excuse for taking another's life. However, this woman should have had a support system in place and her agency should have prepared her well in advance for the possibility of issues that could arise and should have been available to her on a regular basis (post adoption). There's too much pressure from adoption professionals and social workers for "positive feedback" from parents. Social workers need to allow more negative comments from families without families feeling that they will be retaliated against for sharing problems with their adoptions.

Only God can judge. I'm not saying it's not completely horrifying what she did to her child, but, I think she knows now just how horrible it is. I mean, she can only think about it all day long. What else do you think she's thinking about? I'm just saying, only God can judge her. And he will.

Only God can judge. I'm not saying it's not completely horrifying what she did to her child, but, I think she knows now just how horrible it is. I mean, she can only think about it all day long. What else do you think she's thinking about? I'm just saying, only God can judge her. And he will.