When Adoption Goes Wrong

How about learning proper english, Abdulmumin. Then you could also refrain from such nonsense statements that blood is thicker than water and that adopted children don't appreciate anything. None of these statements is borne out by scientific studies. Instead, they just purport prejudice against adoption.

By the way, a 26-year old is referred to as a man, not a boy.

As an adoptive mom of 2 little girls from China, I always cringe when I see article headlines like this one. I know dozens of families who have adopted internationally and all the children are doing wonderfully well. Cases like the one sited in the article are incredibly rare yet a cover story like this makes it seem very common. I think this type of reporting does a disservice to the vast majority of internationally adopted children. Of the children I do know who have struggled with various problems, not one was adopted.

I am a teacher with quite a few children adopted from other countries, and I must say they are the sweetest girls and boys! On the outside appearance, they are no different than the students who are living with their biological parents. However, there are moments where you can notice a bit of emotional reserve in them. I am very close with these kids and their parents and they are all very fortuneate to be this happy. (of course they all have their fights and arguments over generational or cultural issues). Even though my class is nothing like Purvis' camp, I agree in the aspect that it is healthy for these kids to associate with others like them, and to know that there is compassion for them.

I grew up in a very traditional asian setting, and before we moved to the states, my father took his belt to my bottom before. But hey, I was a troublemaker and deserved it. However, it did teach me soemthing important, and that is to have a fair balance of patience. Communications nowadays are a lot more affluent, and I have no need to (and never have) struck my own children, they communicate with me with ease and are willing to listen. It always helps to keep the kid in your heart alive too.

This article makes me sick! The fact remains, that this woman killed her child. That is it! I agreed that increased education needs to give to adoptive parents, but I do not feel that it has anything to with this case. Remember she was convicted and sent to jail for a reason. LIttle Nina is still dead and there is a father and sister with out her now. There is always two sides of a story and I feel that this woman is just trying to justify while she killed her child.

I have 2 internationally adopted children. One came from foster care, one came from an orphanage. Both were very young when they came home. I can see the difference in the behavior between the two. Life is not necessarily easy with adopted children (domestic or IA) but education is really the answer. Because we often adopt after infertility, we have a hard timing accepting that things will not be rosy. Agencies have a vested interest in getting children adopted. They do not stress the potential issues, although most will reluctantly tell you of them. Good agencies will stress support groups and education. Most agencies have little information about the children they are helping to get adopted becuase they, too, are limited by the information that the orphanage is willing to release. It is often a case of too little information, too late in the process.

It is a difficult thing to admit that the child you chose is not perfect and it is even harder when there are no clear guidelines about where to go to get help. Parents are stigmatized for re-homing their children but this can be the best choice for everyone, especially the children. We need to support the parents who seek help and we need to make services available to IA children and their families. Most state agencies will not/can not get involved with IA children and may not even have information on where to refer these families. And if they do get involved, often their only recourse is to remove the children from the home and that is not always the answer. In conclusion, I have to say that if I could afford it - I would adopt another child from Eastern Europe.

Thank you for this article.
I have two children adopted from foreign countries. My daughter was adopted from Russia in 2004 when she was 13, and my son was adopted from Kazakhstan this year, at age 10. We have not had any huge or unmanageable challenges, like the folks described in this article. However, I am so glad you published this article, because so often parents just aren't educated about how to handle adopted children and their traumas. There MUST be education and understanding of the issues, or there will not be a good result, even with kids whose issues are minor.

I publish a blog detailing my day-to-day life with my kids because I want people to see, however, that it is possible to adopt older kids and have a happy, wonderful family as a result.

Understanding and enlightenment are the keys to getting children the help they need.

Thanks,
Dee Thompson
Atlanta
http://deescribbler.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Just another example of how people sugar-coat adoption and then get all surprised when it isn't always the bed of roses everyone insists that it be. Because it's built on loss, adoption is a serious thing, and it can be dark and ugly. Anyone who bothers to learn that and accept it has a much better chance of having a successful adoption.

http://afamilyaffair.wordpress.com/2007/12/12/adoption-ramble/

Think adoptions go right in the US? I found out about my 13 year old daughter (mother never told me) this year who was adopted in Indiana 10 years ago without my knowledge or consent. Mom and adoptive dad are now getting divorced. I never signed papers giving away my daughter so she now knows me, my brothers and sister in laws, nieces and nephews, etc. Nothing is gained when unscrupulus attorneys facilitate public notice adoptions when the mother knows who the father is. DNA protects my paternity in my state. I can't willfully abandon my child until I am told. Shame on Indiana for allowing children to be stolen from their fathers. Hoosiers' should demand that their state laws protect paternity rights the same as most other state

As an parent of 4, 3 internationally adopted, I feel so sorry for Peggy Hilt. I really understand her side of the story. Not that I would ever consider harming any of my children but I have 1 (son from Russia) with FAS, PTSD, ADHD, SID... who can push all the buttons. It takes everything I have, plus more, to get him services (as our government and schools do not recognize FAS, the leading cause of mental retardation). If a parent cannot get help for a child, how can they get help - or respite - for themselves? When you live with the violence, screaming, etc. of a child 24/7, it can get on your last nerve! Will someone out there wake up and help these kids and we, their parents?

As I read all the comments, it is clear that everyone sees it from their own perspective. There are thankfully many great "happily ever after" stories in adoption, and those of you who are upset should relax or get cable TV because you've missed some awesome stories. The article didn't take away from that and stated adoption is "usually a positive, enriching experience for both the child and the parent" The point is that in "a small, but significant number of cases, things go very badly." Those of you who have had it easy or even mildly difficult, count your blessings and pray for those who did not because you don't understand. As a parent of a biological child and an adopted child, I have walked this journey and it saddens me to see harsh comments by people who couldn't possibly relate to the devastation caused by a child who returns hatred for your love. It's all about trauma and how it effects the brain development and brain chemistry. Similar behaviors often happen in bilogical children who've had ongoing trauma, abandonment, or neglect. The point of the article is to bring awareness so that others don't suffer what Peggy's family has gone through. Living with a child who endangers your family is traumatic and those of us on this journey have found that without much support and intervention, you can sink the whole ship by trying to save the one. We found ourselves all suffering from neurochemical imbalances because each individual member of our family was dealing with the crisis in their own survival mode. We had much support and help, but the cost has been great and changed the course of our family. My heart breaks for Peggy that she didn't know early enough how or where to get help. I'm astounded by her courage to let cameras into her life to tell this gut-wrenching story. I will pray for her often and hope readers will join.

As professionals, educators, friends, pastors, and extended family members, we need to educate ourselves so that we can not only see a child in crisis, but a mother in crisis. Once you hit "rock bottom" you aren't healthy enough to seek help due to the chemical imbalances in the brain from the never-ending chaos. Please understand that the traumatized child, through no fault of their own, may now have parents who are traumatized by the overwhelming issues they now face. If you see a family in crisis, rather than blame or pass judgement, try to get them to seek help. The needs are great, but the workers are few because traditional counseling and parenting techniques are insufficient to meet the demands. I'm a huge advocate of adoption, both international and domestic. I'm a huge advocate of educating parents. I'm a huge advocate of helping the family in crisis. Thank you Pat Wingert, Peggy Hilt, and Dr. "Miss Karyn" for telling the story and always remember those who need to "get it" will....

We adopted a 6!/2 month old infant from Russia three years ago. We had minor issues with attachment and did attachment parenting. Even now if I am emotiionally or physically absent from my daughter, she exhibits problems. With that being said, we still had a positive experience in our journey to becoming a family. My daughter is destined for great things. She 's bright, articulate, funny, beautiful and excells at all sports. She shines whereever she goes. I have often wondered if what I'm experiencing is what parents of stars or professiional athletes experienced when their children were smail. Had I not been educated (our agency provided some materials, but I did most of the research on my own) our parenting and experience might have been tottlay different. Adoption is touchy feely and can also be hard work. I went from being free to do as I pleased to parenting an infant 24/7 and not allowing contact with other people for months. I wouldn't discourage anyone from adopting, but I would encourage them to be as educated as possible and prepared for what they might encounter. Even with how well my daughter is doing, I know there may be problems that don't surface until school starts. (You can very bright and still have FAE.) Do you homework, search your soul, know what you can and can't handle. As for Hilt, yes what she did was wrong, but everyone acts like help is easily found for RAD,it's not. Did Hilt's husband try to help? Did the adoption agency really check up on them post adoption?

Adoptresearch - the Hague convention is designed to address the problems you are talking about. Also, there are many good situations arising from Guatemala. There are certainly some unfortunate ones, but recent NPR story quoting the president of UNICEF area ill-informed and some statements just down right wrong. We brought our son home from Guatemala one year ago, and so I am very familiar with the process and procedures involved.

As part of the procedures for adopting our son from Guatemala was taking a course that discusses the potential problems and what to do to deal with them. Often times the child may need counseling and the family may need counseling as well to help the child with their transition. Adoption is not all roses, and I think many people are so desperate for children that they forget to think about the struggles that may or may not come with an adoption. In talking to many other adoptive parents I found that many don't even ask agencies hard questions about where their money goes, how the process works, how the children are relinquished, etc. when choosing an agency because they want to believe all the wonderful things an agency tells you.

It is the parents responsibility to do their own research on this type of thing, and then seek professional help if progress is slow or the transition for the child is difficult. This is just my opinion, but I think there is alot of blame going around and not alot of responsibility taken on by adoptive parents. Once a child is yours, s/he is yours - problems and all. It is not fair to give up and blame it all on 'the adoption'.