When Adoption Goes Wrong

This story on the problems with adoption needs to be told.I am the mother of a four-year-old girl from China. (We adopted her at the age of three.) We experienced many similar problems and received NO help from the agency. Plenty of information is available in the news concerning the happy side of adoption; the truth helps the children as well as the parents. Pretending, does not. Also, parents may not have yet seen the problems that can occur for children and parents later on in life. These parents would do well to consider the potential problems and address them now, for the good of the chid as well as the parents. Our situation is so much better now, but it's because we sought help early on.

With all the Adoption fraud in Guatemala, and other Countries lets hope American Adoption agencies become more ethical in their approach to parenting. International Adoption is a $1 Billion a year industry in the USA with an average International Adoption costing between $28,000 to $35,000. There is very little enforcement of the regulations in place -many agencies can conduct business as they please and are not obligated to disclose prior wrongful adoption lawsuits. Check out the agency you select, make sure there are plenty of references do searches online there are many resources.

Thank you for writing this very difficult story that depicted the tragedy of all too many living with traumatized children. I hope this story will be a wake up call for more education from adoption agencies, and more after adoption support within the adoption community as a whole. Our daughter, adopted from China, suffers more moderate symptoms from her life in an orphanage. Although she is not trying to kill the dog, or spreading *** all over, we have lived in a virtual war zone while trying to help this child heal. By far the more difficult aspect of living with a child who cannot trust or accept the love a parent tries to pour into him/her is the judgment from fellow adoptive parents, and the public at large. I wonder if Mrs. Hilt had known more about childhood trauma and it's affects, and if she had been surrounded by a strong support network, if she had been saved the tragedy she is now living, and if Nina would not only still be with us, but be on her way to healing. This tragedy affects every adoptive parent, as well as every adoption agency. May it serve as a wakeup call. Our journey has been a long hard road, but thankfully, with help our daughter is now on her way to healing and reaching her God-given potential.

Mom to one birth child and one adopted child

I used to wonder why so many people adopted internationally, when there were so many waiting kids in our own foster care system. Now I'm stuck in that system trying to adopt a child, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't recommend it. Go private or go abroad if your goal is adoption. If you're okay with being a foster parent(and in doing so being treated like a second class citizen), then by all means contact your local DCFS.
As for seeking help with your RAD kid, it is not quite so simple. Kids in this country are as likely to suffer from attachment issues (if not more so). Mine has it. The people in the system who you should be able to turn to for accurate info and help don't know squat about it. I had to educate myself on it, then fight to get the system to act.
No, the mom in the story did not cope well. But those of you so quick to condemn her should pause for a moment and ask yourself how you would react to living 24-7 with a child who hates you, does all it can to hurt and disgust you and then behaves like a model child with complete strangers. Unless you're familiar with the syndrome, it's enough to drive you to the edge. Even if you do know RAD, it can be exceedingly difficult to cope.

I was saddened to see that the article did not go into further detail on Reactive Attachment Disorder - something that both biological kids or adoptive kids can have! While more adoptive kids suffer from this than bio kids, it is something that is treatable through therapies - if professionals like doctors, social workers, teachers and more can help identify the danger signals. There are fantastic groups all over the country who specialize in helping these kiddos form lasting attachments. It's only too bad for the family that they mention that they didn't get help - but I do wish they would have mentioned the thousands of other families who have been successful in their goals to heal their children.

It is sad to see the negative comments on this forum. Until you have been there you cannot judge this woman. The mother was suffering from depression and when you are in this state you are not rational. We adopted our first child internationally and I went through a couple of months of depression afterwards. I can say that the thoughts I had were not rational thoughts and I would not have thought them if I had been in a normal state. Brooke Shield's book about her post partum depression actually describes post adoption depression really well - the two are very similar. It is a mental illness, albeit temporary. I think the comments that say that this woman should not have adopted are misguided. I never would have guessed that I would fall into a depression since I wanted a baby so much (I've never suffered from depression before). But, I can understand why people are negative about this because I used to also not understand depression and felt annoyed with depressed people. So, please suspend your judgment because you don't know what it is like. The saddest part to me is that the family did not seek help - all this could have been avoided. But, having been there I also understand the shame and not wanting to tell people about my problems. It is a sad situation all around.

Okay I didn't mean to post twice but I didn't think it went through the first time. :-P

Thanks for this article. It points out that adoption, like creating a family through conception, comes with no guarantees. I was disappointed that you did not stress that these issues are also common in children adopted through US foster care.
Another point to make is that families who are doing their best just to hang on need the support, of friends, spouses and extended families, not criticism. In addition, there are not enough therapists trained in the very specific methods required to deal with attachment disordered children. Taking these children to therapists not knowlegable can do more harm than good and markedly delay the healing process.

I wouldn't blame these kids the less bit, as they have no choice in the matter and have to live with others choices regarding their lives. As an adoptee, I have heard too many stories about adoptees getting abused by their adoptive parents and I believe that agents should do follow-ups later on....they have that obligation if they are in the buz...of course it's only about money anyways! Be informed folks...the more you know the better.

I feel for these kids who have no choice in the matter and have to live where others decide they are going to live. I wouldn't blame these kids at all...they are simply doing what they know....protecting themselves from more harm. When their first development stage of trust vs. mistrust is broken, according to Eric Erikson, it's hard for domestic or international adoptees to trust. My advice is to be as informed as possible don't rely on adgents.

This story is horrible. I feel almost as if it blaming the children. More responsibility has to be laid on the adoption agents who sell these children and never tell prospective adoptive parents the truth about adoption. They tell them to ignore the writings of adults who were adopted as infants and children, or dismiss them as having had bad adoptive parents. How insulting. One day the young adoptees today will be grown and writing about their own experiences. When that happens, the adoption agents will be saying everyone here was a bad adoptive parent, and to dismiss them.

My husband and I have two incredible children, Sergei (20) and Natasha (15), adopted 12 April 2001 from Russia. When we met them, we already spoke Russian and had spent time in Russian orphanages as part of United Methodist mission work there (I am a UM pastor). We read, listened, asked, prayed, and prepared in every possible way for the coming of our children. Of course, with the entrance of kids into your life, whether by birth, cabbage leaf, or adoption, you can't anticipate everything. You don't know what it's like until you are a parent. Our story is very happy. Our children adjusted to life with us and in the US in general amazingly well. They bonded with us, made friends, and learned English with great speed. We have been blessed to have normal problems like teenage hormones and fender benders and getting caught using the phone while on restriction. Yes, there are families who were not given enough information, who had no idea what they were going to experience, and I cannot imagine the heartbreak and frustration and pain they go through. The same is true when you are pregnant. But most of these adoption stories are like mine. We have children we love more than anything, who drive us crazy because they think they know everything, and who keep once jet-black hair sprinkled with grey. I know the risks need to be more widely known for those considering this big step, but I really wish the media would take the time to talk with some of us who have had none of the attachment disorder problems, violent behavior, etc. etc. Adoption necessarily means there was a loss of a child's original family, a loss that can heal but that cannot be blithely wished away. But it also means there is a new start, and for most of us, we are able to take what comes. My prayers are with the parents and children caught in these agonizing situations. Who knows what she or he would do in their shoes? Just don't lose sight of the many, many homes with kids who are just as normal/dysfunctional/crazy as homes with biological children. We deserve to have our stories told, too.

We adopted a brother (8) and sister (4) from Costa Rica in the early '80s. At that time, there was little help available for parents with troubled adopted children. Our social worker told us to just "hang in there" and the parents in the international adoption group in which we were active hid their problems, pretending all was rosy. We were ashamed of our feelings of frustration and regret and felt like failures as parents. Eventually, my husband and I divorced. Our daughter spent time in a mental institution and we eventually relinquished our parental rights to the state, which was a humiliating and difficult process. Neither child finished high school and our daughter had a baby while in her teens. We are estranged from our children to this day and have no idea where they are. I have deep empathy for Julie Hitt and I understand the rage and hopelessness she must have felt. Her child's death was a tragedy.

To AlexD: Some of us make a choice to adopt even if we could have had biological children because we want to provide a loving home for a child, have had international experiences, and/or have adopted siblings. To say that a woman who can't get pregnant should give up on having children at all is terrible! Shame on you!

I find all this talk about adoption very skewed towards blaming it all on mental illness. I have always had my doubts about adoption becuse I have always felt that something realy serious must have been wrong for both parents and all their relatives to give up one of their own for adoption.character traits are hereditary and this may be why adopted children could be tough to handle emotionally. However, i hesitate to think that everything should be blamed on mental illness. Certainly, there are far more people who are violent and are not mentally ill than there are vioent people with mental illness. There is a lot of work going on to de-stigmatise mental illness and a lot of the comments above seem to blame it all on mental illness. I certainly think that would-be adoptive parentsshould get the chance to spend sufficient time pre-adoption with the children they intend to adopt, as well as get counselling and an open support line post-adoption. Sola