When Adoption Goes Wrong

Hopefully the adoption agency responsible for this child has done some kind of analysis of this situation. It is obvious that Mrs. Hilt was struggling with this child and the issues that are prevalent in this kind of adoption. It is important for any couple that is going to adopt from a third world country to understand the issues that will be obvious and furthermeor it is up to the adoption agency to have resources in place for such instances. It is a sad story for all involved and I believe it could have been prevented.

We have two domestically adopted daughters who went through the fostercare system and while we love our girls, everything in this article is very familiar. I think it should be mentioned these issues are not specific to international adoption.

Lonewolf Ted,
You are an inspiration ! I encourage you to act upon your desire to help kids in foster care. Your life experiences and choices set a rare and prime example for kids in the system surrounded by few or none they can look up to. While you cannot change all of their lives, they might listen far better to someone who has been in their shoes and can show them life CAN be good . This "light" in their lives could become a goal for some, who otherwise have no direction.

Lonewolf Ted,
You are an inspiration ! I encourage you to act upon your desire to help kids in foster care. Your life experiences and choices set a rare and prime example for kids in the system surrounded by few or none they can look up to. While you cannot change all of their lives, they might listen far better to someone who has been in their shoes and can show them life CAN be good . This "light" in their lives could become a goal for some, who otherwise have no direction.

We adopted an older child from Russiia in 2003 and we've been blessed that he didn't have all the problems that some children come bundled with...not to say he's not had some problems..he's doing well and in a Junior at a Jesuit High School. However, our double nightmare was with the adoption agency in the USA and the INS. The adoption agency delayed the adoption by 5+ months and that is a long story...
The INS is in violation of Federal Law that went into effect in 2001. The law is simple - when a child is adopted from a foreign country and the parents are bonafide US Citizens, then upon entering the USA, the child is automatically a US Citizen...however the INS to this day still classifies our son as a "Premanent Resdient Alien".... Funny, the US State Dept. readily gave our son a US Passport, the SS Dept a SSN, and all other Federal and State agencies recognize our son as a US Citizen - ALL BUT THE INS!!!...if you thought you feared the IRS...the INS is much worse and if you want the real source of the imigration problems in the USA to go away...FIRE ALL THE INS EMPLOYEES and let's start over with people that care! Oh and to have our son's status changed takes 15 pages of paperwork and $600.00. The INS is a department of the Federal Government operating outside of the laws of the USA and is the biggest scam to date of the unsuspecting adopting parents.

My wife and I adopted a one-year old girl from Kazakhstan. She's now a heathly, beautiful five-year old and we couldn't imagine our lives without her. But we know we were lucky. Things could have turned out far differently if we had to deal with attachment issues. But going into it, we had our eyes open. We avoided Russia for the very reasons listed in the other comments. We read every resource out there on attachment disorder and what we may potentially face. But again, we were lucky.

This story is a tragedy, but a prevantable one. Knowing attachment issues are a real possibility, prospesctive parents need to know the risks and, more importantly, they need to know what to do when there are problems. It's a bit like the deinstitutionalization problem we created decades ago. We reintegrated people into society with severe emotional and mental problems with little more than a prescription in their hand, and many failed. The adoption agencies need to vigilantly read the post-placement reports provided by the parents and ensure they are getting the support they need, and the parents need to educate themselves about what they're getting into. Adoption is a long, difficult, and expensive process with no guarentees - but in many cases, the rewards are well-worth the risks.

One last thing - a mother with an emotional disorder who gets drunk and kills her daughter speaks to more relevant issues than international adoption.

This child had Attachment Disorder which is very common with children who never bonded as an infant to a caring care giver. It is devastating for a family that adopts a child with this disorder. This disorder can occur in children who have been adopted from fostercare or even if a child has been in anyway from bonding with a caregiver. It does not only happen in foreign adoptions. Unfortunately it appears that the child did not have appropriate treatment. Even with treatment many times children do not recover and they go on to become very damaged adults who have no conscience. I am not excusing the mother. She should of reached out and gotten help for her family. But then where is the father in all of this? Surely he knew his wife was falling apart. He should of reached out and gotten help for his family as well.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is the correct diagnosis. I have been a foster parent for 7 years and have had children with these symptoms. We have had individual training with one of the very few experts in the field Sarah Owen from Colorado Springs. The children were not able to bond with their mother at birth and a portion of their brain does not develop correctly. Please read "Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas who is one of the nations leading experts in this field. If you can get the children young enough there is a good chance with the correct techniques that you can have a loving child again. Here in Colorado there is a place called The Evergreen Center that works exclusively with children with RAD. Most therapists and counselors are not trained in this field ask them if they even know what it is. No I am not a counselor or hold a PhD but experience and research have made most of us foster parents and adoptive parents knowledgable in this field. Please read Nancy's book. THERE IS HOPE!

This article is heartbreaking. Let it be known that the majority of foreign adoptions are positive experiences! Research your adoption agency carefully and the type of orphanages they work with. Know what you can and cannot handle in a child. There are many ways to "build" a family; doesn't have to be by blood or genetics. My late husband and I adopted a 3 yo little boy from Karelia (former USSR) who has Kabuki syndrome, after losing our birth daughter at the age of 6 from complications following open heart surgery. He is now almost 16 years old and is the light of my life, even when he's driving me nutz! He is my SON.

Stories like this reinforce my decision to disengage from any child rearing activities.
Why is it that people who have children always try to make childless couples wonder what they are missing? Is this out of meanness?

It's called, "Rage Reduction therapy", a gentleman by the name of Foster Cline has been doing, and teaching, it for years (and so have I), it is not new, and it is not a favored technique these days. Why? BECAUSE IT WORKS! it is also used with children with APD (Antisocial Personality Disorder). Most therapists do not use it, because they claim that it has too much chance to get out of control, if not done properly. (Law and Order, the T.V. show, also had an episode on the technique) But it does work quite well with unbonded and personality-disordered children- especially those who have been adopted from other countries. And as far as the untruthfulness goes, do you really expect a foreign agency, which likely does not have the same priorities as you do, to tell you the truth about the child you're adopting? Mostly, they view you as a, "foolish American", with more money than sense!! Especially the Asian countries; they just want to get rid of their, "problems". The problems with foreign adoptions stem directly from the lack of historical knowledge of most of this generation of American parents, and their inability to place things into any sort of historical and/or behaviorial contexts because they do not have any understanding of the countries from which their kids are adopted.

My wife and I adopted a 15 year old from Russia. He is now 17, on the varsity wrestling team at his high school, a very safe driver , and making A's and B's in his school work. He's warm and loving, kisses and hugs on the family dog (his best bud) and is the light of our lives. It hasn't been perfect but pretty much the same levels of frustration we occasionally experienced with our two biological sons. We didn't go out looking to adopt a child at all and particularly a child from Russia. Many years ago we had considered a third biological child or adopting from Romania. We just didn't follow up on either, life moved on.

We met our son when he came over on a hosting program from an orphanage in Russia. When the people were interviewing kids to bring over, he was initially overlooked because of his age but a miracle happened when they made the choice to invite this "over the hill" kid (14 years old) to come to the US. We had a month to get to know him and see his behaviors while we spent some fun times with him. He was warm, loving, caring for animals and younger children and easy to get along with. Realistically, I don't understand how adoptive parents can just accept a child referred from an orphanage without getting to know them and assessing the risks. That's why I'm a fan of hosting programs.

While our adoption was in progress, we also hosted another child later who obviously had emotional problems and just didn't want to be adopted. We knew we couldn't handle him on a long term basis but we parted as friends. I'll never forget the last night he was with us, he wrote into a translator that he loved us and would never forget us - pretty special coming from a 10 year old. However the next day, he was packed, smiling and ready to go home. We still check up on him but he didn't want to be adopted.

I always have to laugh when people get the dig in about children being available for adoption in the US. That's true I guess but I don't see the critics going out there and adopting US kids from foster care, just telling others what they should do according to their personal view of the world - as many people feel free to do today. I don't see them getting to know these kids or talking about the problems experienced when the parents hit the wall with them.

Anyway, I'm sorry these adoptive parents have had such a horrible experience with adoption but for every horrible story, there are dozens, maybe hundreds of stories that worked out. Critics say that hosting programs that bring kids over for time in the US with a real family raises the hopes of the kids and then dashes them when they aren't adopted but I've seen it work out for many families and for others. The positive side is when the realization that the kids need more help than the potential parent can give prevents a disaster from happening.

We have found help with Dr. Federici personally and with his book.
Help for the Hopeless Child, A Guide for Families (With Special Discussion for Assessing and Treating the Post-Institutionalized Child)": Second Edition


Dr. Ronald S. Federici
Clinic Director, Neuropsychological and Family Therapy Associates
President/CEO, Care for Children International, Inc.
Developmental Neuropsychologist
Diplomate-American Board of Professional Neuropsychology (ABPN)
Diplomate-American Board of Medical Psychotherapists (ABMP)
Diplomate-Fellow in Advanced Psychopharmacology (FICPP)
Diplomate-American Board of Disability Analysts (ABDA)
Fellow-American College of Professional Neuropsychology

400 South Washington Street, Alexandria, VA 22314

Phone (703) 548-0721 Fax (703) 836-8995

www.DRFEDERICI.com