When Adoption Goes Wrong

sammysosafan, I am happy that you had a good experience, but some of us have lived the nightmare of adopting a child from Russia. You say that there are risks involved in parenting, but does anyone tell adopting parents about the risks of post-institutionalized children. No! We wanted to be parents too and did not expect a perfect child, but did not expect the extreme and scary behaviors that came with a child who suffered from RAD and alcohol exposure. I am all for giving parents the worst case scenario because if they hear it, find a way to line up their resources and still decide to adopt from Russia they'll probably be able to handle it. Kudos to them. Even Dr. Johnson in Minnesota says the probability of children adopted from an orphanage in Russia is pretty much 0. People need to know that.

To besposlen, and many more....
I have been following the Peggy Hilt case since it happened, mainly because I have a child who was adopted from the same region as Nita Hilt and the adoption was granted by the same judge. This article enrages me in so many ways. First of all, please know that this isn't the "norm" this article places such a negative face on international adoption. Besposlen:::: I have had my son (from Siberia) home with me for over 2 years now and I am also the mother of 2 biological children (conceived by IVF) I can promise you without an ounce of hesitation that I have the same feelings for all three of my children, because they are just that....MINE!!!!

Second of all, readers of this article need to understand that there are risks involved in parenting, adoption or biological. When deciding to become a parent, one needs to make the decision that whatever needs to be done, will be done. What do you think happens to biological families, whose children act out in the same way....it isn't just because they are adopted. People like Peggy Hilt, need to understand and be aware of their limit before "they snap" as she said. Everyone knows that if you come to the point of wanting to hurt a child, (acting on it or not) that should be a red flag to ask for help. Responsible, loving, caring, families of children with RAD seek the help that they need for their family...not the case with Peggy Hilt. Having an adopted child, doesn't make that excuse valiable. I could vent and vent here, but I'm not going to. My biggest problem with this article and Newsweek is the negative face that this puts on adoption which makes people like "besposlen" be too afraid to adopt a child and miss out on the love and joy that an adoptive child could bring them. I wish Newsweek would do an article about all of the families who are missing children this very minute, because they are caught up in the "red tape" Many families from the very region where Nita Hilt was adopted have been waiting 3+ years and still don't know when they will be "allowed" to bring their child home, the child whom they love as much as they could love any other. While we waited the long year a half to bring our son home between trips we were devastated and missed him everyday....I wish that's what Newsweek would focus on.

I have one biological child, my miracle conceived by in vitro fertilization (after the doctors said my chances were very low) and born very premature ... I wish I could give my kid a sibling. More IVF is out of question and adoption scares me. I'm afraid I could never have the same feelings for an adopted child as for the one I had inside me.

Just rememer ..

Most of these abused children will continously be abused and mistreated by most people they will meet in life, their neighbors, teachers, boyfriends, Nurses and Doctors even when they become adults they will continue to experience abuse ..

Just remember ..
Most people don't care about adoptive (or foster children)
Especially if they have been abused previously coming to their new family and in worse scenarios abused and mistreated by by their adoptive parents also.
Those abused children will often keep on getting abused by most people they meet in life, such as neighbors, teachers, boyfriends and other important people they meet in life .. such as Doctors and Nurses .. the abuse will keep on going until they eventually die by natural causes or by suicide!

Hi Rad Dad, I'm so sorry that you and your family have had such a difficult experience. My family has faced similar issues. I have siblings (adopted from the eastern block) who were severely abused before being institutionalized, then adopted (at fairly young ages). They have abused the pets, each other, my other siblings, they have lied to us, neighbors, police, etc, very similar to what you wrote. Dark times for my family. Intensive therapy (similar to Purivs' method) seems to be helping greatly. We'll see what the real results are over time. It's so difficult to know who to trust to help with these kids... Some people really just don't get it, others ask you to trust in very unconventional methods. Also, to others out there, I am very pro-adoption and it can be a wonderful experience (even when there are difficult issues to be addressed besides just the fact of being adopted in itself). However, you have to go into it with your eyes open, be educated, and be prepared! Know your best and worst case scenarios, know who your support system would be and where you would seek [EXPERIENCED] help if needed. It's amazing how many heinous experiences children can have in this world before they come to you - even when they are infants. Ronan, I am so glad your family has had an overwhelmingly positive experience. You are so lucky, I wish things had been like that for my family, too, especially for my siblings. Duonoir, there are many many reasons why some families choose US adoptions while for others international is a better fit. Why not just be glad that ANY child without a home can find parents? You go ahead and adopt in the US - no one is stopping you - and let everybody else decide what's best for their own families. My relatives had an experience very similar to that of 777Denver - it was hell and did not have the happy ending.

Hi Rad Dad, I'm so sorry for all the difficult things you have experienced. My family has also been affected by these issues. I have siblings (adopted from the eastern block) who were severely abused before being institutionalized, then adopted (at fairly young ages, I might add). They have abused the pets, abused each other, run away, lied to us, neighbors and police, etc, very similar to what you wrote. Some seriously dark times for our family. Intensive therapy seems to be helping. We'll see how real the results are over time. I am very pro-adoption; however, eyes open people! These are not just a bunch of boogey-man stories. You have to be educated and prepared. Ronan, you are very lucky. I am so glad it has worked out well for you and your family. I really wish my family had had the same experience, especially my siblings. Duonoir, there are many many reasons that some families are able to choose US adoptions and some find international a better fit. Why not just be glad that ANY child without a home can find some parents? You go ahead and adopt in the US - no one's stopping you - and let everybody else decide what's best for their own families.

To Duonoir - Yes there are many, many children here in our country who need parents and I adopted one of them. My daughter was taken away from her mother when she was born because her mom brought meth into the hospital room. I have had her since she was two weeks old and the road to the actual adoption was long had hard. Once a child is in foster care, the state's main goal is parent/child reconciliation. Although my daughter's birth parents were drug addicts, car thieves and stole any identity they could get their hands on, my state rolled out the red carpet to make sure they got their child back. She had no rights, I had no rights, but the less than model parents had all the rights in the world because they created an innocent victim. Had they have actually been able to get their act together, my daughter would have been taken away from the only home and parent she knew, but thanks to God, that didn't happen. There are not a lot of children in the US available for private adoption, because they are all in foster care and foster care adoption, although very inexpensive ,can be too tough for most wannabe parents to handle. That is why people go over seas to adopt - the process can be faster.

There is no excuse for killing. Period. HOWEVER, having adopted a child from an eastern block country that has tried to kill us twice in the middle of the night, threatened to burn down the house, abused our pets, stolen, lied to our faces, run away numerous times, lied about us to the police and authorities, I can relate to all of the aritcle and the extreme frustration. Until someone adopts a fetal alcohol, reactive attachment disorder, institutionalized autistic child, they have NO idea the frustration, havoc, despair and black hole of money, time and emotions that enters your home and steals from your other children and marriage. There is no excuse for killing. But for the Grace of the Lord Jesus, there we could have been also. I have never felt so much at my wits end trying to deal with a child like this. Just when you think you are connecting, you realize that they have lying to you in the face, looking you in the eye, feigning bonding and affection so as to cover their coniving, deceit, and schemes. No, there is no excuse. Nonetheless, until someone has been there, they need to be careful before they too find an opportunity to reveal the Hitler that lives in all of hearts that needs to be rescued by the Grace of God. Been there, done that.

My wife and I adopted three beautiful children from Colombia in January 2005. Don't let a story like the one above, put you off adopting children from oversees. We live in Ireland now, and the kids are doing fantastic. They are bundles of joy (Not all the time!) and we would do it all again if we could. Ronan

Dear Friends,

I am a 43 year old from Malta, Europe. My husband and I have adopted a 9 month old girl from Romania in 1990. We have worked hard to send her to a good school and even send her to a good ballet school. When she was 16 she gave us some trouble, since she started to go out with her friends ( like staying out late and so on). However, thanks to God, today she is continuing her studies and hopefully she will go to University.

We love her and she filled our lives with joy. Life is not easy, but I am sure we did the right thing, since she lived in a family where there was not even food to eat, let alone get any education.

I hope that any parents who are considering to adopt any children to go ahead, and as long as they keep beleiving in God, then they will make it.

Any parents who have gone through great hardship after adopting children, I understand them and I am sure that it is not their fault or the children's fault. Again, I suggest that when their is a problem, trust in God and seek help from societies or people around you.

Reader from Malta

OOh!!!! my GOD........ I am shocked after reading this article.... I hadn't immagined that one can go upto this limit.
Children are always innocent by nature nomatter where they belong to and where they are taken. They have got noghing to do with the nerrow barriers of the world into its nations, religion, .... and so on. They run in the path you show, they learn the things you teach.
There are a lot of children in Nead around our world. Some are in need of food, shelter, medicine and care where as some are in need of parents. so i dont see any reason to get afraid from helping others and being a nice parents who are in need. But we (the elderly people) have got no right to play with their life and immotiins.
Yes the children may do wrong time and again but being a parent is not that easy thing, so one must have a power to overcome all the troubles that comes to their children and they must be forgiven the each time they make mistakes and help them to learn to live a good life. Specially in case of adoption, you have got no right to touch the children if u cant take care of them.

May the Almighty GOD (jeasus, Krishna, Allaha , .........) help us change ourselves to a selfless person and may the children of our world get love, love and only love.

An added thought.........everyone can sit back and judge and say what she should have or could have done, but until you walk in OUR (adoptive parents of kids with RAD) shoes, you don't have a clue what is going on. Thank God I never hurt my daughter, because the thought definitely crossed my mind on several occasions. No matter how much you love or care for that child, you can not change a person who has no empathy, conscience or remorse......no matter how hard you try.

What Mrs. Hilt did was awful, but parents like myself definitely understand what she was feeling/thinking at the time. This crisis is not exclusive to foreign adoptions. I have two biological sons and two adopted daughters whom have been with me for nine years....they are ten and twelve. The eldest daughter has reactive attachment disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, oppositional definace disorder, etc. She has tried to drown her younger sister, tried to set her room on fire, smeared *** all over walls and floors, threatened to kill herself and threatened to kill me in my sleep. After years of therapy, counseling, seminars and everything else you can possibly think of, she had to finally be removed from my home as she was definitely "beyond my reasonable control." She turned my household upside down and caused such anger, resentment, and pain. I am divorced now and my sons are just now starting to rebound from the traumatic experience they had to endure....all the while the Dept of Human Services (who I adopted her from) tried to convince me it was somehow my fault and if I would just love her more she would be okay. When does the needs of one child outweigh the emotional, psychological, and physical needs of the other three? My daughter is currently in a residential treatment facility and is having difficulty there as well. She has threatened to kill herself, the staff and residents and goes on screaming rampages that last hours. Removing her from a family environment was difficult to say the least, but was the best thing I could have ever done for her and my family. My greatest accomplishment, as sad as it is to say, is having her placed in the treatment center, without harming her first. A GREAT BOOK TO READ BY AN ADOPTIVE PARENT IS "AN UNLIT PATH" BY DEBORAH HANNAH. It takes you thru her journey and details the pain and trauma her family suffered due to adopting several children from the dept of human services with RAD.

things that people don't understand about DHS/CPS agencies the greed for money,
take children away from there homes I'm talking about (NATIVE AMERICANS) something people don't here about,I know this because I am a Disable single Native American father fighting for my son.
its been 2 years now on all my DHS/CPS records state my son is white and adopted,so I been having
a hard time because I am a disable single Native American father,that has not chance in geting my son back
because I am Native American I have now rights as the judge stated as my court appointed stated
as his wife works for child welfare as the many loopholds and wiggle room the state has to make parents
sign there children away.I have seen this many time case worker all over the world children are being took from there homes yes some need it,be u see all over the world children are being put in foster homes and being adopted out,children are being abused molsed killed and its all from our state DHS/CPS adoption agencies,and there responsibles oop's did I say that I mean there lies and the judges and the court appointed attorney's oop's did I say Klamath Falls Oregon,and the Klamath Tribe with there fraud
and lies! and our gov,don't care?oop's they support it?
well how many more children have to die maybe it will be one of your children that DHS/CPS agencies
takes away,before our state go's under go's a review .I know Klamath Falls oregon needs one...
disabled single Native American

well its very sad when a child has to die, there is so much wrong in this world.
and people need to start looking in to DHS/CPS because if we the people do not stop child welfare
because they have at this time so much power ! people say oh there shocked about it .
thats just bull it all over the world it happens on the news in the paper so have can people be shocked
I know this I live in klamath falls oregon,I have been fighting for my son for 2 years from child welfare
I am a disable Native American and so is my son he is disabled and I have been fighting for him for to years
DHS/CPS has lied as well as my court attorney when I found out his wife was a DHS/CPS worker in salem oregon.get this he cut out on me.and just because I am a Disable native American DHS/CPS and the courts here in klamath falls oregon will not let me have a change to get my son,
on my DHS/CPS records state that my son is white and adoped and get that and I am (NATIVE AMERICAN)
and the Klamath tribe has stated in so many words that my son is adopted?
and he is being molsted in the foster home he is in and abused and DHS/CPS states thats ok!
as well as my attorney and the judge
petty sad right well thats not all here in klamath falls oregon.....
joe huitt
po box 1305
chiloquin or.97624
josephcrzybr@yahoo.com
Native American father's against child abuse
May the lord watch over our children,
this coming years,how many more children have to die before the law looks in to DHS/CPS caseworker

for all the parents who want to have a home where there is dicipline, love , trust , selfcontrol and all those caulities that make a family somewhat close to perfection (because no family or life in the world is perfect)
the only answer is JESUS I tell u this because if my family would not have known Jesus we would be in a pretty bad shape and it doesn`t mean that we are perfect becuase we knew Jesus he heal many wounds I had during the four years i lived with my adopted parents i learned so much from them and I now loved them very much I never thought i would come to love them but I did and believe with all that we all went through the first three years it wasn`t humanly possible for us to say I love you It was only Jesus working in our lifes each and everyday and he is steel at working in our lifes.

so i encorage all parents to put your hope in Jesus and pray that he would give u strengh to keep going to work on your heats and on your childs heart ......i wil also pray for you