When Adoption Goes Wrong
Most Americans who adopt children from other countries find joy. But others aren't prepared for the risks—and may find themselves overwhelmed.
Peggy Hilt wanted to be a good mother. But day after day, she got out of bed feeling like a failure. No matter what she tried, she couldn't connect with Nina, the 2-year old girl she'd adopted from Russia as an infant. The preschooler pulled away whenever Hilt tried to hug or kiss her. Nina was physically aggressive with her 4-year-old sister, who had been adopted from Ukraine, and had violent tantrums. Whenever Hilt wasn't watching, she destroyed the family's furniture and possessions. "Every day with Nina had become a struggle," she recalls now.
As the girl grew older, things got worse. Hilt fell into a deep depression. She started drinking heavily, something she'd never done before. Ashamed, she hid her problem from everyone, including her husband.
On the morning of July 1, 2005, Hilt was packing for a family vacation, all the while downing one beer after another and growing increasingly aggravated and impatient with Nina's antics. "Everything she did just got to me," Hilt said. When Hilt caught her reaching into her diaper and smearing feces on the walls and furniture, "a year and a half of frustration came to a head," Hilt says. "I snapped. I felt this uncontrollable rage."
Then Hilt did something unthinkable. She grabbed Nina around the neck, shook her and then dropped her to the floor, where she kicked her repeatedly before dragging her up to her room, punching her as they went. "I had never hit a child before," she says. "I felt horrible and promised myself that this would never happen again." But it was too late for that. Nina woke up with a fever, and then started vomiting. The next day she stopped breathing. By the time the ambulance got the child to the hospital, she was dead.
Hilt is now serving a 19-year sentence for second-degree murder in a Virginia maximum-security prison. She and her husband divorced, and he is raising their other daughter. She realizes the horror of her crime and says she isn't looking for sympathy. "There is no punishment severe enough for what I did," she told NEWSWEEK in an interview at the prison.
Hilt's story is awful—and rare—but sadly it is not unique. Adopting a child from another country is usually a positive, enriching experience for both the child and the parent. Over the last 20 years, foreign adoption has become more popular, and Americans now adopt about 20,000 children from Guatemala, China, Russia and other nations each year. (In the last few years, as restrictions and red tape have increased in some countries, the number of overseas adoptions has begun to drop.) Longitudinal studies show that most of these kids do quite well, but in a small but significant number of cases, things go very badly. Since the early 1990s, the deaths of 14 Russian children killed by their adoptive parents have been documented. (That disclosure was partly responsible for Russia's decision in 2006 to suspend its intercountry adoption program while it underwent review.)
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Member Comments
Posted By: janearound @ 04/08/2008 11:30:53 AM
Comment: Thank you for your comments. Three weeks ago, my partner and I had a 6 year old FAS child placed with us for adoption in the fall. We have decided not to go ahead with this adoption. She is a beautiful, funny, confident child who has no conscience, no attachment to anyone, and I believe at this point she cannot possibly develop this. We were told she had attached to her foster parents, this is clearly not correct - she has not shown ANY interest in contacting them, looking at their pictures, etc. She has tantrums (rages) several times a day. She masturbates constantly. People have told us we cannot possibly send her back to the foster care system, and I agree, our home would be preferable for her, to a certain extent. But I can see what is in our future, as you have written it out, and frankly, I'm not able to survive it as you are. Good luck.
Posted By: Olga_nyc @ 04/05/2008 1:59:05 AM
Comment: The holy "DSM" also says that Antisocial Personality equals Psychopathy. It doesn't. Read: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/54831 . And I am a psych student. I think you can have an attachment disorder without being abused, it could even be Psychopathy. This is biological. Not the parent's fault
Posted By: mamma730 @ 02/20/2008 8:30:02 PM
Comment: I am a Mom, I have had to "walk away" to control my anger. How do you lose control, promise to never let it happen again, yet not get medical help and try to save your child?