When Adoption Goes Wrong

Purvis is quick to say that her techniques don't work with every child, and older kids can take much longer than younger ones. "They have to unlearn what they've learned," she said. The next step, she says, is for prospective adoptive parents to get more training before and after they adopt. "Very few agencies are training parents to deal with brain damage, sensory deprivation, aggression," Purvis says. "A lot of these parents are smitten with the hope that they'll make a difference in a child's life, but they need very practical tools. I consider myself very pro-adoption. But I'm also very pro informed adoption. "

Peggy Hilt wishes she'd heard this message years ago. "If I knew then what I know now," she says, "I would have gotten help for Nina and for me." The best she can hope for now, she says, is that her story will prompt others to seek that help before it's too late.

Warning Signs for Adoptive Parents
Adopted children often go through a period of transition and adjustment once arriving in the United States from another country, but sometimes problems persist, behavior worsens, or new problems arise with time. Acting out and defiance may be protective measures children take because of a history of abuse, neglect or maltreatment. Karyn Purvis, director of Texas Christian University's Institute of Child Development and an expert in the treatment of troubled adoptees, says parents may need to seek the counsel of a clinician who specializes in international adoption cases if their child consistently exhibits any of these behaviors:

• Sexual acting out, like masturbating or inappropriate touching of others
• Aggressive, bullying, violent behavior
• Night terrors or sleep problems caused by fear
• Behavioral melt-downs when parents are trying to get the child to do homework, or when there is lots of noise or activity
• Resistance to any expression of affection, like kisses and hugs from family members, but approaches strangers indiscriminately
• Explosive anger when confronted with relatively minor disappointments or delays
• Insists on being in control at all times
• Terrified of being alone, or the other extreme, insists on being left alone
• Hoarding or stealing food

With Anna Nemtsova in Moscow

© 2007