The Rise Of The Only Child

For all the benefits of this demographic trend, there is a distinct dark side. The decline in population growth is occurring almost exclusively in the most developed nations; the poorest, according to the U.N., will triple in size by 2050, when nine out of every 10 people will live in a developing country. One out of six will be living in India, which recently passed the billion population mark. In sub-Saharan Africa the birthrate has shrunk, but it's still too high: down to 5.57 births per woman last year from 6.26 in 1990. The world's population is also graying fast; the U.N. reports that the number of people over 60 will more than triple in the next 50 years, and the number over 80 will increase fivefold. Who will provide for the aging and infirm as they live ever longer? Currently there are 11 retirees for every 100 workers in the world. The U.S. Census Bureau predicts that by 2050 there will be 26 retirees for every 100 workers. That could be economically and socially "catastrophic," says Paul Hewitt of the Washington-based Center for Strategic and International Studies.

In this changing family landscape, no group comes under more scrutiny than only children. They are routinely accused of being self-centered and uncompromising. In China, only children--known as "little emperors"--have been blamed for everything from increased juvenile crime to rampant materialism; kindergarten kids in Guangzhou are printing up their own name cards, while junior-high students in Changchun now carry mobile phones. In the United States, after Jennie Caicedo's only child, 2-year-old JJ, started acting up during swimming classes at their local New Jersey pool, the instructor grabbed the boy out of her hands and asked her, "Is he an only child?" Caicedo was so angry that she confronted the head teacher after class. "She told me to my face that only children tend to be catered to, that they don't know how to follow instructions and that they are spoiled," she says. "My tongue fell out of my mouth."

Such attitudes often provoke feelings of guilt and rage in the parents of only children. Whatever their reason for having one child, many resent the fact that outsiders feel free to comment on their family size. One contributor to the Just the One Child Web site in Britain wrote, "People seem to think either you can't get pregnant and you must be trying, you can't afford another one or you can't physically 'take' another pregnancy. I didn't enjoy pregnancy, the birth was a nightmare and I wouldn't enjoy spending all my time running around after two [kids]."

The constant public scrutiny tends to put many parents of single children on the defensive. They seem to worry far more than parents of multiple children about their offspring's social and emotional adjustment. Texas psychologist Carl Pickhardt says that he sees a disproportionate number of only children in his practice, not because they have more problems but because their parents "want to do it right and be sure they're doing everything they can to help their kid." Parents of only children often go out of their way to help their kids adapt socially, and do all they can to avoid overindulging them. Tomoko Yamamoto is so worried about spoiling her 8-year-old son, Shunichi, that she has refused to buy him a much-coveted Game Boy. She also makes a point of dividing every treat three ways. "We need to remind him that he isn't the only one in the universe," she says. "We are strict about not letting him have all he wants."

Only children themselves are particularly sensitive to their image. "Half the only children I know hide that they are only children," says Fumie Ishii, a 29-year-old only child (and mother of three), who founded the online Only Child League in Japan. "So many people have a stereotypical view that an only child is self-centered. We struggle with this prejudice forever." In India, 19-year-old Saviraj Sankpal founded a support group for the tiny minority of only children. Among other things, the group does volunteer work--recently visiting children who survived the Gujarat earthquake, for instance--to counter the myth that they're irresponsible. "People think we're pampered and spoiled," says Sankpal, a computer-engineering student. "But I'd like to remind them how lonely it can get."

It's less lonely all the time. Today there are newsletters, support groups and Internet chat rooms devoted exclusively to only children. Scores of books have been written about their plight, from "Only Child: How to Survive Being One" to "Barron's Keys to Parenting the Only Child." There's even a children's book, "Why Am I an Only Child?" by Jane Annunziata, in which a little purple rhino discovers, "I feel special!" Recently Sankpal's The Only Child Group discovered onlychild.com, a Los Angeles-based Web site set up by Charles and Carolyn White. The Whites started their site and accompanying newsletter after their own unsettling experience raising Alexis, now 21. "Whenever we took her out, people would say, 'What a beautiful child! Does she have a brother or sister?' " says Carolyn, an admissions director at a private school, who suffered several miscarriages. "And when we said no, they'd say, 'What a shame!' It took me a long time to work out the guilt of having just one."