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Emotional Castaways

The holidays can be difficult for the socially isolated, but focusing on pets or even inanimate objects helps the lonely cope.

By Wray Herbert | Newsweek Web Exclusive
Dec 21, 2007

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  • Posted By: perm3800@hotmail.com @ 05/16/2008 10:36:29 AM

    Comment: I have a problem with the leftov4r antianthropromorphic stance of behavioral and psycological researchers. The difference between the animal minds is one of degree: the birds can count or the cuckoo wouldn't need to kick an egg out of the 'host' nest before laying her own; primates use tools as the recent photo of an orang spear fishing from a tree into a swiftly moving river shows. Dogs 'think' and 'feel': the so-called unconditional love of a dog is really enlightened self-interest paired with codependent hormonal bonding, just as it is for you and your mother. Your dog is as likely to 'not talk' to you as your mother, he just won't hold the grudge as long since he lacks her type of memory storage. The dog knows how many hours after you left you usually come home which is why he appears to be waiting for you after a long day (which he is) and why he seems to be sleeping on the days you leave work early with a headache. Just because they are different minded doesn't mean they don't feel, think or plan (if they didn't plan, they wouldn't bury their bones and then remember where they buried them on a latter afternoon of crushing boredom.)

  • Posted By: burbank @ 04/09/2008 4:23:33 AM

    Comment: I'm not lonely...I'm a misanthrope.

  • Posted By: RoverDunne @ 12/29/2007 12:52:06 AM

    Comment: There's something inherently alarming about either this article, this study, or both. That is, the assumptions it makes about "anthropomorphism." There's more evidence in science casting doubt upon our self-serving and self-congratulatory assumptions about human superiority to animals than there is supporting them. Maybe it's not so strange to befriend a terrier or to "humanize" Old Shep. Perhaps it's more the case that people have to be ridiculously self-absorbed not to notice that animals actually are quite a lot like us, that the difference is much more subtle than we generally -- and quite egotistically -- assume. Maybe some people don't see the similarities simply because they're so busy being social with other humans, and because they share Wray Herbert's apparent value system in which intrahuman relationships are valued more highly than relationships with all the world's creatures. Maybe the people you consider lonely are simply more sensitive or more evolved.

    • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 01/03/2008 15:19:04

      Comment: Interesting. Perhaps solitude offers genetic advantage! I also see bias, but more in the conclusions. Anyone can spin this to whatever conclusion they want.

  • Posted By: lookatyourselffirst @ 12/27/2007 8:26:10 PM

    Comment: william demuth needs to judge those people around him who 'aspire to engage in friendship' so he can reject them - he needs to feel better than those people and superior to them because he has very weak self-esteem. this compulsion causes him to be arrogant.

    thus william demuth can feel comfort about being so alone; he's really a very lonely, sad person. one day when is he old, or becomes sick and fragile, william demuth will discover that we all need the company and the kindness of friends, and that it is far more important to have friends in our lives than to judge those interested in friendship negatively.

    he is a man who is too cowardly to face himself and his own pretentious stance - he prefers to see others as flawed, and be suspicious that they might take more than they can give, because he takes himself so seriously that he must put himself on a pedestal - above and better than others who represent a humanity he himself belongs to. william demuth dislikes himself so much that he must compensate for that by heading so far the other way that he can tell himself he is way too important and wonderful to mix with others.

    is anyone really so important and significant that they can afford to be 'annoyed' by those who desire to be a friend? perhaps william demuth is in fact sending signals that set up and draw in the same people who seek his friendship (who more interested in being truly alive) so he can then reject them over and over again. if he really dislikes humanity as much as he states he does then why not disappear for good, survive without people and never write another word again?

    why write at all if those he intends to read his opinion are part of the very same humanity he rejects?

    • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 01/03/2008 15:20:15

      Comment: Still lonely I see! Perhaps a weakening of your sexual morals may help. If not perhaps a bag over your head?

    • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 12/28/2007 08:38:07

      Comment: Perhaps the solitude of those here is caused by a lack of a sense of HUMOUR?

      • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 12/31/2007 08:37:01

        Comment: And perhaps your a pathetic Jesus freak who is destined to end your pathetic life alone?

      • Posted By: lookatyourselffirst @ 12/29/2007 21:48:16

        Comment: perhaps it's your inability to write in any kind of humorous way that makes your drivel seem so serious...perhaps you are a MORON?

        • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 01/04/2008 12:41:27

          Comment: Ironic, but if I am a moron, and I have offended you, this does not say much for your intellect!

  • Posted By: lookatyourselffirst @ 12/27/2007 5:35:40 PM

    Comment: william demuth needs to work on his spelling

    • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 12/28/2007 08:43:02

      Comment: Have I misspelled, or have you merely misread?

  • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 12/26/2007 4:18:34 PM

    Comment: Religion as an expression of a failure to create enduring human bonds?

    Based on that premise, an atheist such as myself would be a social butterfly.

    I can assure you that logic is flawed, because the only thing I dislike more than religion is humanity. Strangely enough this seems to draw people in, and much to my great dismay I am surrounded by those who aspire to engage in friendship with me! This annoys me greatly because I feel that these people always seem to take more than they bring.

    I want friendship that is truly profitable, and since I have sufficient sex I would prefer cash.

    To that end I am prepared to offer friendship services to anyone willing to provide a cash stipend and establish me as sole heir to their estate.

    I will then maintain said friendship until such time as I can arrange for the accidental death of you, my dear friend.

  • Posted By: SAQIB @ 12/26/2007 12:04:33 PM

    Comment: Lonliness is always a blessing for the of weird types.It is a way also to find oneself by looking into one,s own soul.Those who donot believe in metaphysics feel more lonely than the believers.The world today has gone awry and is trying to find a recluse in the the mundane and artificial things .The man who spends a few moments in searching his soul is never alone.He can find the best company of hisownself.The studies of the kind as cited are about those who are devoid of all kinds of spirituality.

  • Posted By: phiomalibumalibu @ 12/24/2007 5:24:29 PM

    Comment: USEd to be very very lonely in my life, and around the holidays I was very depresses.... I did one thing that changes ALL that. I got IMPLANTs I want to thank the staff at FINESTIMPLANTS.com for changing my life completely. Now I have more friends (both men and women) and have a good time for Christmas!

  • Posted By: its_just_me @ 12/24/2007 12:06:05 PM

    Comment: I am a older single male that dont have any family anywhere close and so I wont be with family at Christmas. Some folks are bothered by this. I get offers to come over so I wont "be alone" on Christmas and I do appreciate them but theres nothing wrong with being alone on that day..

    When I was active duty, years ago, I spent plenty of Christmas', New Years, my birthday, etc in a bunker or fighting position or staring out past the perimeter wire at night and to have a nice quiet day to myself with no noise, schedules, social pressure, incoming rounds, etc is nice.

    I will sleep in on Christmas morning, go to a nice sit down restaurant and have a big breakfast then rent some movies to take home.

    I try to understand the need folks have to be around others on Christmas or the need to make sure your not alone on that one specific date. I am a christian, I do understand the "reason for the season", but what UI dont understand is the desire of some to think I need companionship on one day in the year.

    What about the oher 364 days????

  • Posted By: lynn1881 @ 12/24/2007 9:42:03 AM

    Comment: To All: If you hate yourself, you???ll hate everyone else too and they will hate you back. On the other hand, you???ll never be alone if you love yourself. And if you do love yourself, you will automatically become more attractive to others. But if things don???t work out, just know that no one can hurt you. Only you can hurt yourself by your giving others the power to hurt you. Simply shrug it off as a learning experience and move on. What doesn???t kill us makes us stronger. I realize this is clich?? but it is true. Just love yourself because at the end of the day, we???re all alone.

    Life is like a boomerang ??? what you put out is what comes back to you. So it???s up to you to fall in love with yourself first before anyone else can fall in love you. Act as if you are, and you will automatically draw it to yourself

    Love and blessings to you all!

  • Posted By: pinkpanther87413 @ 12/24/2007 9:29:41 AM

    Comment: 21 years 2 full grown boys and a divorce or should i say after i got back from the VA hospital 170 miles away for a week, mom-in-law, sister-in-law moved and made the decision for wife to pack up 21yrs of my life and bail i got home to a completly empty house and 1800 worth of bills on a 700 a month income! I don't yell. hurt or mentaly or phy abuse anyone EVER but here i sit alone cause for 21 years my mother-in-law hated my guts cause i raised her first grandson while she dated the father who was 15 years behind on child support cause he said 150.00 a month was to severe while a Sgt. in the Army so he quit, and quit paying to, but good old mom-in-law took him to dinner and out to lunchs for the whole 21yrs and jumped me for a late bill??? now i sit broken hearted came to die but only farted!!! Happy Holidays! its ok i understand no one wants the disabled... not even the author as his ideas don't support the disabled-vollyball- just to have the ability, only in my dreams.

    • Posted By: mollyb @ 12/24/2007 12:28:06

      Comment: You are disgusting. No wonder everyone left. Crude and having a pity party.

    • Posted By: mollyb @ 12/24/2007 12:27:12

      Comment: you are disgusting. No wonder everyone left. Pity party central.

      • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 12/28/2007 08:51:07

        Comment: Forgive Pink, he is still in Saigon. Classic PTSD

  • Posted By: Ron Paul For Pope @ 12/23/2007 12:15:00 AM

    Comment: In words and by example, Wray Herbert is consistently telling me that I'm working too hard for too little money.

    I want Mr. Herbert's job, or at least a boss as stupid and apathetic as his.

  • Posted By: phiomalibumalibu @ 12/22/2007 1:34:18 PM

    Comment: Like I was saying before.....One way I fight anxiety is what I do for a living. I read other peoples emails. I know it sounds strange, but most of my clients get over 500 emails a day. There is never a dull moment, some of them are very funny and some are strictly business. I interact with my clients daily, and we always have a laugh about some of the absurd emails that come in. Funny how reading emails can usually make my day, plus I get to work in my pj's if I want. I would recommend going to -- www.read-email.com if you want to start a fascinating new career. Good Luck!

  • Posted By: InNM07 @ 12/22/2007 12:59:10 PM

    Comment: I agree with JoJo and this was a great post. I have bee pushed into a "alone status" by a younger wife that decided to go her own way the moment I retired. So after 5 years of marriage, I sit by myself again. Friends at work are only rarely lasting friends. Once you leave the job, they drift away rapidly. This is sometimes astonishing since you got along well and try to keep in touch. While I really want to meet a woman to have a relationship with, I find my "standards" limit my choices (not over weight, kind, intelligent, no kids under 20). There is also getting over the shock of losing someone that you had planned on enjoying life with. That lost trust is a caution sign for any new relationship. I have family in distant places but I think most men need a personal relationship where at least some women substitute other friendships for that. One good, close personal relationship can make the difference between a satisfying life or an empty one. I will keep trying but holidays are hard times.

    • Posted By: mollyb @ 12/24/2007 13:03:46

      Comment: If you weren't so superficial maybe a kind, intelligent, over weight woman with no kids under twenty (and in your age group) would bless your life. When you choose someone on looks and inappropriate age difference, what do you expect?

      • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 12/28/2007 14:30:57

        Comment: Your wife says Hi!

    • Posted By: mollyb @ 12/24/2007 12:55:32

      Comment: Maybe if you weren't so superficial some nice "overweight" female that is kind, forgiving with no kids under age twenty (and in your age group) might bless your life.

  • Posted By: jojoc10 @ 12/22/2007 12:32:56 PM

    Comment: Nobody should feel lonely during the Holiday Season. Of all the bad things that can be said about the "materialization," of Christmas, one thing remains true; it is the season of giving. As I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping the other day, I caught myself very intersted in several books that I wanted to buy myself. Then, after a moment of reflection of what the spirit of this Holiday was all about, I then began to think of what I was really supposed to be doing and that was to give. I don't agree with the mass consumption, indulging and spoiling that we do during Christmas. But I do agree with what it has forced us to do. A simple verbal greeting "Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas or Happy New Year," to a stranger passing by that we would ordinarily not say anything to, or a few extra dollars to those less fortunate. The Holiday's are not perfect times nor should they be thought of as so. Rather, it should be a time that we comprehend our own imperfections and at times selfishness. More and more it makes us realize the differences from the "have's and the have nots," and in a strange way that kind of understanding of distinction makes us more human. To that end, I reach out to those who aren't as fortunate to have close friends and family and I will let them know that I will always leave an empty seat at my table for them as a reminder of how blessed I truly am. May we put our religious, political and ethnic differences aside this Holiday and give thanks for the diversity that makes us all unique. Happy Holidays all!

  • Posted By: MBWS @ 12/22/2007 12:04:46 PM

    Comment: I totally agree that people who have family and friends are dehumanizeing to those of us who have only a few people in our lives. I'm not in this postion by chioce. My son and grandson are the only blood relatives I have. Friends have gone there own way drifting more towards family. I have tried to make new friends, but by your forities it seems no women have the need for new friends. Also, women who have daughters have givien birth to their new friends and the rest of us are put aside. I read a few years ago that some people are one friend away from no one; I am there. It is lonely and very hurtful. People may say they care but, actions speak louder than words. I have not and do not pretend that objects are alive or have feelings. I no longer have pets. I contuine to try to make friends and find a mate. I have little hope left for those things. I do the best I can while I wait to die; can't be soon enough.

    • Posted By: cowboybritches @ 12/24/2007 13:02:10

      Comment: i can identify with you and your loneliness. My situation is different, divorced but we never had children. I have 4 siblings in the same town but they have their own families and my depression inhibits me from enjoying large family gatherings. Noise, large groups have a way of stressing me out and family gatherings cause more anxiety than benefit. Due to depression holidays have always been low points.

    • Posted By: pinkpanther87413 @ 12/24/2007 09:57:38

      Comment: i only have a son, as my ex decided to say many things that never were, but i do understand your pain! i feel it to EVERY DAY not just holidays, and if someone like you should die before your time, due to lonelyness-the world just lost a good sole! i know my sole is stained and tainted by orders! so you don't and i will not, cool! enjoy the holidays as best as we can!!

  • Posted By: supermom @ 12/22/2007 9:34:38 AM

    Comment: I am surprised that this research passed an ERB. The potential existed for psychological damage to the participants who were told they would spend their lives lonely...would have loved to have seen more tangible analysis on the research methods and how they avoided this...

  • Posted By: zhukovvad @ 12/22/2007 5:07:09 AM

    Comment: Interestng findings. Not entirely new or surprising for me personally but interesting nonetheless. I would even extend it to what I noticed from my lifetime experience - actually people who have large 'happy' families and large circle of relatives and friends tend to be less empathising than those who are seemingly less social and tend to be somewhat intravertive. It also seems the case that often sensitive people with rich imagination tend to be loners that are shying away from majority of people who are insensitive and can easily hurt their feelings. It is also easy for them to humanize some unusual things. Are they weak or ill? I wonder. I think I'd rather sign up with this lot together with Aristotel, Newton, Leonardo da Vinci and other great 'humanitarians' than be with 'healthy' 'strong' and dull species who easily create social connections and then happily unite in collective activities like lynching the 'weak', stoning outcasts or crucifying 'out standing' members of society.

  • Posted By: moncaido @ 12/22/2007 2:44:38 AM

    Comment: only weak and needy are lonely. when married i had to go to HIS family doins whether i wanted to or not, been there done that, won't do it agin. before had to go to family doins for the kid, been there, done that. now alone but NEVER lonely. i do what i want, when and if i want and clean up after no one but me. i would never live with another man for all the money in the world.

    • Posted By: pinkpanther87413 @ 12/24/2007 10:06:36

      Comment: I am neither weak or needy, but still lonely for companionship, as a son is not who i chose to grow old and die with, a wife is! As ifeel the same as you,and,beenthere done that to and i'm far to underpaid to offer all the money in the world and would not any way cause i need a dishwasher and a house mouse cleaning in a chair is not an easy task and Medicare pays for zip but lonely i stay so i never forget what tow can do that one can't! Hope is not for saps, Hope is the alt fuel this country runs on, when we run out of greed!

  • Posted By: eikana1976 @ 12/22/2007 2:28:25 AM

    Comment: I think the best way to fight anxiety for many of us is meds. Depression and anxiety are on the rise in the US.
    I don't think anyone who is depressed or has an anxiety disorder should feel guilty about taking meds. I take them only when I need them, and I get them online at healthnradiance.com It really helps.

  • Posted By: Bjhonlie @ 12/22/2007 2:17:37 AM

    Comment: I don't entirely agree with this whole theory. I am an attactive 26 yrs old and I have the ability to be the life of any party. If you someone hangs out with me they will definitely have a good time but I prefer to be alone. How would you consider that? I consider myself someone who is secure with herself enough to enjoy her own company. People need to stop being afraid of being alone, period. Sometimes isolation from others can turn out to be helpful.

    • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 12/27/2007 14:17:06

      Comment: 26? Attractive? Do you have any money?

  • Posted By: jan10101 @ 12/22/2007 2:13:00 AM

    Comment: I have a physical illness that occasionally puts me in the hospital. My loved ones live in another state. I take a teddy bear with me and comfort it while I get IV's or painful tests. When I'm afraid, I talk to it and comfort it like I did my kids when they were little. I'm a 51-year-old woman. I've gotten strange looks, but find "Buddy" , my teddy bear lowers my pain level and anxiety substantially and allows me to refuse pain medication. I don't care how it looks or sounds, it is a much healthier way to deal with this stress and I recover much quicker.

  • Posted By: Dreamer_11 @ 12/22/2007 2:01:36 AM

    Comment: Thie idea engulfed in these studies are full of idolatery. I have been a loner my whoe life, even in a croud; I really have not pictured idealizin anything for a human being or a human touch. are these studies real or just some blog for mind-testing or are you guys just lloking for ideas from the believe-all fanatics? What in the world are we getting at? I won't be surprized if we run out of space in psych units. watch out people!!

  • Posted By: cappadony @ 12/22/2007 1:54:46 AM

    Comment: I wonder what the Match rate is on match.com or E-Harmony for people to consider themselves to be lonely?
    In my opinion, I consider dating sites to be good places to meet likely matches for your personality. But it seems that there are more excuses than matches. Even though we claim to be lonely and looking for a match-are we really in our comfort zone being alone,?

  • Posted By: cecedesouza @ 12/22/2007 1:42:24 AM

    Comment: Good article.

    • Posted By: Skippy_PuddleJumper @ 12/22/2007 02:00:04

      Comment: If by 'good', you mean that the article was well-punctuated, I heartily concur.

      If by 'article', you are coyly making reference to 'our tickle', I cannot POSSIBLY disagree more.

      To the best of my knowledge, you and I have never shared a tickle.

      In this instance, I must hereby renounce you as 'alone' in your opion and extend the suggestion that you may be out standing in your field, as well.

      Godspeed, blog critic.

  • Posted By: eikana1976 @ 12/22/2007 1:33:16 AM

    Comment: I used to suffer from this time of anxiety during from Thanksgiving all the way to the New Year. It sucked.
    But last year I changed all that. I had breast enhancements, and it truly changed my life, in ways I would never
    have expected. I met the most amazing man on the planet, and we are engaged. Now, I'm not saying this is for everyone, I know all lot of people were against me changing my body shape, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I have to thank the great people at finestimplants.com for their great help and support during the process.

  • Posted By: Bob Lennon @ 12/22/2007 1:11:47 AM

    Comment: Psycho-babble.

  • Posted By: tanarg @ 12/22/2007 12:43:04 AM

    Comment: The author's equating God with an imaginary friend is quite revealing.

  • Posted By: crudecanine @ 12/22/2007 12:10:51 AM

    Comment: Well I guess it is all in how you look at your life. When I was married I enjoyed the family. Now that I am single I enjoy the serinity. Yes I have my dogs as a companion, and every now and then I like to talk to a family member, but i am not lonely cause I got me. Everyday I get up I look in the mirror and think my god I am lucky just to have myself lol. All I am saying is you make your own reality . I have been in a crowd before and felt so alone. You are not alone if you got something or someone to believe in, and by that it could be yourself. Is it better to be alone and be happy, or be with someone who is just using you. Now I am not saying that is wrong or right, all I am saying is you got be happy with yourself.

  • Posted By: laakky @ 12/21/2007 11:43:21 PM

    Comment: I think that it is sad that society has deteriorated so much that you cannot hold a simple, civil, conversation anymore. Any form of touch/expression is sexual! or percieved that way i mean.............I have been through the worst year of my life, and i HATE the holidays. it's one big commercial gimmick to make you buy crap. If you need to BUY friends, or a family, you don't need them. So i prefer to be alone. People are threatening? of course! they are. who wants to hang out with small minded two faced bigots that shapeshift their very moral fiber to fit any conversation. It's pathetic. we've turned a black and white clarity into so many shades of grey no one can see color anymore. i am not afraid to be alone, but i do relate to the "any" company is bad company. why do you think so many people stay in bad jobs? relationships? etc. we are not HAPPY here. and for the most part? no one seems to care. and if they do? they are made fun of. i am tired of hollywood in and thin ruling this culture. for being so advanced and so rich, we sure are stupid. but hey, at least we look good while being dumb. right? :)

    • Posted By: Skippy_PuddleJumper @ 12/22/2007 01:38:38

      Comment: This is, quite, the largest wagon of steaming cow dung I have ever noticed! May I suggest you excuse yourself for stenching up the joint?

  • Posted By: phiomalibumalibu @ 12/21/2007 11:42:45 PM

    Comment: One way I fight anxiety is what I do for a living. I read other peoples emails. I know it sounds strange, but most of my clients get over 500 emails a day. There is never a dull moment, some of them are very funny and some are strictly business. I interact with my clients daily, and we always have a laugh about some of the absurd emails that come in. Funny how reading emails can usually make my day, plus I get to work in my pj's if I want. I would recommend going to -- www.read-email.com if you want to start a fascinating new career. Good Luck!

  • Posted By: imanurseangel @ 12/21/2007 11:30:03 PM

    Comment: I can't believe anyone thinks animals can not think or love and show it. I am happy with my family and a small amount of friends as well as three dogs and two cats. I believe in well balanced lives, so much for humans so much for animals just like a balance between work and play. I am single and not lonely! However I do have children and maybe that helps. I feel an animal can definitely be a great love in your life, I had animals when I was married as well.

  • Posted By: lbdmt11 @ 12/21/2007 11:27:07 PM

    Comment: Personally, I enjoy my own company...nobody to answer to, no one to cook for, clean up for, etc., etc. Yes, there are times when I want to talk to someone, and I have a small circle of friends that I can do that with. But generally, I like just being by myself...No drama

  • Posted By: dankefurdieblumen @ 12/21/2007 10:56:58 PM

    Comment: The question should be why are you all so afraid of being alone? I dont have many friends because there arent many people I want to be friends with. My whole life i have felt this way despite the drugs my parents put me on the shrinks they sent me to because I wasnt like my siblings. I like being alone and if seeing me eating alone or going to movie alone makes you uncomfortable then perhaps you need to get comfortable with yourself instead of distracting yourself with text messages and phone calls and dinner dates.

  • Posted By: UofM Poster @ 12/21/2007 10:56:21 PM

    Comment: To equate a Terrier with an alarm clock is completely off the mark. We have a Cat and I know that this is not some unthinking, uninvolved and unemotional being. To the contrary, this animal communicates, emotes and retains experiences in a way that is not so unlike Humans. In fact, in very many respects, this cCat is more humane than many actual Humans I've observed and, if stranded on an island, I would likely choose this Cat as a companion over most humans I'm thrown in with in 'Civilized' Society.

    To address some of the coments here, Humans are the source of the greatest potential for both compassion and pure evil. The quest of our lives is to be able to discern between the two types and obtain the means to ensure that the latter are kept out.

    • Posted By: pinkpanther87413 @ 12/24/2007 10:14:52

      Comment: ive owned cats and they are exactly like alarm clocks but furry and way more persistent first thing in the morn before there coffee

  • Posted By: jazzhands @ 12/21/2007 10:50:48 PM

    Comment: This article is amazing. And very honest. My mother lives a life void of close friends and family. She is the proud parent of over 20 guinea pigs, and a small collection of dogs and cats. They each have people names and are spoken to as small children. My mom even pretends some of the guinea pigs get jealous when she affords attention to the other animals. I love my mother and I know she has a hard time making friends. People get on her nerves and betray her in ways her animals never will. She spoils them in exchange for their love. It's fascinating to watch. She even introduces STRANGERS to each pet. [Hilarious.]

  • Posted By: dankefurdieblumen @ 12/21/2007 10:45:11 PM

    Comment: Maybe the question should be why is everyone else so afraid of being alone? I am in my early twenties and I dont feel the need to have tons of friends and being going out all the time. I like being at home doing whatever I want when I want. I am not depressed or anti social and hate that thats what people think I am because going to the bars or hanging out at somebody's house doesnt intrest me. Maybe if more of you did things that intrested in me I would be more likely to spend time with you.

    • Posted By: pinkpanther87413 @ 12/24/2007 10:28:56

      Comment: so your saying because i do not drink [no bars]and due to a mishap in the military i take meds wich make me usless in the eve that you would just be happy to sit and enjoy a movie or game in the eve and you would concider me as a friend??

  • Posted By: timon @ 12/21/2007 10:38:33 PM

    Comment: Society is vicious and shallow.It's motto is"be happy and successful or die." This is why so many people are lonely and why so many people are rejected by phonies when they suffer a reversal of fortune.

  • Posted By: bikermo @ 12/21/2007 10:33:11 PM

    Comment: i'm 32 years old and single. i don't have a problem with that, i have a problem with pretending to be someone else for the first few months of a relationship. i am who i am right from the get-go cuz there's a lot less to lose if you don't like something about me now vs. 3 or more months down the line. i have 2 cats, one is 8 and one is 5. love 'em to pieces. talk to 'em all the time. they do respond. one comes when i call his name, not just at the sound of my voice, but to his name. they're much more fun to be around than a lot of the people i know. on halloween i took in another stray, or should i say he took me in. he bit my other cat and he got an abscess and had to have dead tissue surgically removed. they're still separated and it's a lot of work, but i'd rather do that work than on human relationships because no human relationship so far has been anywhere near as rewarding as these. i imagine it's much like having children; you spend a hectic day taking care of them, changing diapers, feeding, washing, repeat, then you see them fast asleep in the carseat looking like a little angel and it brings tears to your eyes... so many pet owners have this same experience.

    i've suffered from depression for almost 20 years and EVERY DAY is a struggle. i've lost jobs because of it. holidays are hard just because society (and family and friends, under the guise of being concerned for you) make you seem like a loser if you don't have someone for the holidays. it gets to me at times, but i am very close to my immediate family and have one very close friend who is (usually!) there for me, so it's not that bad. it is difficult to be single and hear all the diamond ring ads from halloween through valentine's day, though. i really get sick of that. my self worth is not defined by my relationship with a man! besides, i've already got three men in my life that i adore, and the feeling is definitely mutual. =)

  • Posted By: divalish @ 12/21/2007 9:58:02 PM

    Comment: Reading 'The Secret' is a good way to start using your emotions in a more positve way.
    Good luck...and good thoughts!

  • Posted By: divalish @ 12/21/2007 9:55:45 PM

    Comment: Reading "The Secret" is a good start.

  • Posted By: caminante @ 12/21/2007 8:50:42 PM

    Comment: "for most of us the greater risk may be treating real flesh-and-blood humans as playthings." i think this is closer to the truth. i have never been treated so shabbily in my life as when i moved to CA, after losing everything in a fire. The reply to "Do you rent or do you own?" influences people to ignore or denigrate me; in this stupendously shallow culture here, although i am bright, educated and kind, i am not what's in, i am not rich, don't drive a flashy car--so i am nothing, apparently. the bias is pathetically obvious. give me an animal any day!

    and i deliberately used lowercase letters in this missive before someone feels compelled to point it out.

  • Posted By: Johnmd007 @ 12/21/2007 8:47:24 PM

    Comment: TO alone63, I think people know you well enough to know your always either quiet, depressed, not socialble, so its more of an annoying issue to them. They are not aware of your true feelings because you present yourself to them all the time the same way... I think you have to somehow try to be sociable and not bring up your loneliness or your depression to your friends. Go seek treatment, talk to that person, that is what they are there for...and it will help with your relationship with your friends. They aren't pushing you away its just they don't know how to deal with you. You need to deal with your own self first. Try it.. you will see.. smile around your friends, appear more happy even when your not..and then maybe you will forget what it is your sad or depressed about. Maybe you think to much. my suggestion again.. talk to someone...it will be like a friend with a shoulder to lean on. GOOD LUCK!

    • Posted By: AngelDog @ 12/21/2007 22:55:49

      Comment: I am not sure you really understand the feeling. It is people who have not have a medically "depressed" situation, who can easily say, "Just smile, seek treatment, get over it." Do you not think the people effected by this condition are not doing that?! Also, the only treatment that seems to be handed out are medication prescriptions that only makes you feel crazy. I am annoyed with the whole idea that you are a bad person if you are not "happy" all of the time. I agree with bikermo, I have a greater affinity toward our four-legged friends than, half-faced judgemental humans.

  • Posted By: Frankieluv @ 12/21/2007 8:42:42 PM

    Comment: Everyone feels lonely at times, it's called life. Even people with plenty of friends and family feel lonely. It's unnatural for a person to feel 100% happy 100% of the time. I hate these types of articles and studies that harp on what people are lacking in their lives and make people feel bad. The study is stupid and the conclusions are ridiculous. BTW, animals are living creatures who are not too different from ourselves, it's not shocking so many people feel close to their pets. It has nothing to do with people humanizing them because they lack human interaction. It's because a pet is fun and it's good companionship.

  • Posted By: Mourning Dove @ 12/21/2007 8:39:01 PM

    Comment: I am alone, but I am not lonely. I think this article was derisive, it wasn't very informative, and didn't help anyone learn anything to help them over come loneliness. Even though we are all one human race, we are all different, and as always there are varying degrees to everything. Loneliness like any other condition is not necessisarily permanent.

  • Posted By: alone63 @ 12/21/2007 8:33:52 PM

    Comment: i am alone, and have been made to feel alone by others because i don't see things the same way or do things the same way i am pushed aside, if i say i am unhappy or feeling a little depressed no one wants to talk to you. and treat you like you have a contageous plauge, i found that reaching out for help or someone to conect with they turn away if someone else makes the comment "that guy must have a problem" then you are left standing alone again. i have make the comment many times i feel alone in a crowded room, and i do because i don't feel i fit in or on the same level as the other or affraid the get phsicaly or emotionaly hurt so a stay clear. what else can i say. robert e k jr

    • Posted By: lynn1881 @ 12/21/2007 20:43:00

      Comment: To Robert E. K. Jr. Just know that there are people out here who do care. I feel so bad to read how you are treated and I hope you are able to find a way to turn it around. One thing I know and I hope this may help you, is that a person's state of mind will eventually become reality. We create our physical realities first in our own minds, and the power of our thoughts is tremendous. Try thinking differently, even just a little bit more positively, and hopefully you will see these positive thoughts manifest themselves physically. I will send you my positive thoughts right now to get you started. Best of luck to you! :-)

  • Posted By: Frankieluv @ 12/21/2007 8:24:29 PM

    Comment: What a ridiculous article and study. People feel lonely even if they have plenty of friends and family members too. It's natural for EVERYONE to feel lonely sometimes. I hate the fact people are always harping on what's lacking in all our lives . Humans think a lot and are constantly looking for acceptance from others. At times we all feel misunderstood and alone, it's called life.Also animals are living creatures and not so different from us, it's not shocking people feel close to them. Humanizing a volleyball is not even in the same universe as a person being close to a pet. Frankly it's stupid to compare the two. Human friendship and animal friendship are equally fulfilling in ther own ways. It would be more useful if someone did a study on why people feel the need to do silly studies.

  • Posted By: lynn1881 @ 12/21/2007 8:20:45 PM

    Comment: It makes me feel sad to know that so many of us feel lonely and isolated. All of these comments confirm one thing -- we all need the same thing from eachother, which is unconditional love. So why is the one thing we all need so difficult to give? I have a family but one day they all decided to get together and write me a nasty letter to give me a piece of their mind and kick me out of the family because I am not living my life in a way that they approve of. Because they can't control me, they wrote me off instead. So here I am disconnected because they can not accept me and love me just as I am, and I think the relationship is damaged beyond repair. Maybe this makes me socially isolated by choice, but I would rather be alone than be a part of a phony family (or any group for that matter) that can't accept me.

  • Posted By: chimmp @ 12/21/2007 8:11:16 PM

    Comment: i avoid people all the time and consider myself lonely, one of the reasons for this is for the fact that social people do treat people with disregard

  • Posted By: dpashou @ 12/21/2007 8:09:37 PM

    Comment: what is the difference between a lonely and a loner? I tend to agree with the below comments. Anti-social is a descriptibe pigeon-holling terminology that society has invented because as some of your commentators indicated that the main stream society fail or not wanting to understand. Why we humans have this absession to put put people into categories, rather than been open minded and treat people for what they are?. some people may learn one or two things from what they call " antisocials". A lonely person is one that their friends/family fail or will not bother to take the time/effort to understand them and they demand social conformity not individuality. The so called " anti-socials" have more creativity and intellectual imagination than those they compelled to follow the norm pack.

  • Posted By: chimmp @ 12/21/2007 8:07:59 PM

    Comment: yes i think a lot of sociable people like to manipulate and treat people with disreguard

  • Posted By: cactuschick @ 12/21/2007 8:04:37 PM

    Comment: As people get older, they either lose a spouse, siblings and/or friends. They have lost contact with people they were closest to, people who they could confide in, or could communicate and relate with. I invited a brother to live with me because we were both alone. This would not work for everyone, but I am there for him and he is there for me. Better than being lonely.

  • Posted By: tbakunas @ 12/21/2007 8:01:32 PM

    Comment: Trickery and manipulation in testing can lead to the same result, I find these findings absurd. Lonely people, who exactly are lonely people? Do you not think that human beings in general go through periods of loneliness? Do you believe that every minute of every day has to be spent in loving social circles, or filled with mindless mingling to be normal? Do you actually believe that spirituality, good or evil, is some product of chronic loneliness?
    Do you think that possibly those people who fill their world with full social lives might in actuality have a fear of being alone, and in that, are lonely as well?
    Maybe it is you job to push people???s buttons, or maybe this is the most remarkable discovery since Pluto lost its designation as a planet. But I must say I find the story a bit tasteless. Help all of us who have a dog, and God, we must be the loneliest people on the face of this earth.
    I hope you have a happy holiday.

    • Posted By: carniemechanic @ 12/21/2007 20:32:40

      Comment: tbakunas thinks that someone has manipulated studies to attack him. Nowhere did I see a claim that having a pet is unhealthy; rather that anthropomorphic perception of the pet or inanimate object is unhealthy. Don't take everything you see as being about you. If the shoe fits, however...
      I lead a life of extreme isolation and always have. For some of us, it's mucheasier than dealing with the pain of rejection and and disappointment of being an outsider or one of the socially invisible. As for a pet; my cat's just a cat, but he is a companion.

  • Posted By: digimommy @ 12/21/2007 7:33:48 PM

    Comment: I think a lot of the "socially isolated" are by choice. I think there is a definate mainstream, and many people find it really irritating and mindless. A lot anti-social people are only considered anti-social because the mainstream perceives them that way. I think a lot of antisocials have great social lives with other anti-socials. It's all those damn labels you put on people that brings the positivity down to a nice level of rejection for people you perceive to be different. If anybody is socially inept, it is those who base their perceptions of who people are according to the latest episode of American Idol or the O.C. or whatever.

  • Posted By: Trey1010 @ 12/21/2007 7:25:42 PM

    Comment: Thanks for your insight i so agree and can personally relate to you.

  • Posted By: triumph @ 12/21/2007 7:19:11 PM

    Comment: yep, after being married with kids for eight years now, I'd gladly live alone again.

  • Posted By: tucsonintune @ 12/21/2007 7:17:02 PM

    Comment: Sounds like Jeffrey Dahmer

  • Posted By: triumph @ 12/21/2007 7:16:36 PM

    Comment: wow, you people must have nothing better to do.

  • Posted By: phiomalibumalibu @ 12/21/2007 7:12:03 PM

    Comment: We can find a way to combat lonliness, if you don't have a family, it's time to get off your butt and get one.Yes it's true modern life is tough. We have a tradition in our family during this time to go and see as many plays and musicals as we can 'as a family' somehow seeing performers perform live on stage brings us a sense of wonder and hope. We usually save up for shows like the lion king, and wicked and the rockettes, and try to get our seats together. We purchase our tickets from www.broadwaysmashes.com so we can sit together and watch the play. I think musicals are a great way to take away the holiday blues. Another thing that helps me and my brothers is the focus on the NCAA championships. We sometimes go to a bowl game , and follow our favorite team for the year, whether it be the trojans or the LSU tigers. This year we got our tickets from face-value-tickets.net for a BCS Bowl game. Anyways there is so much to do to shake the blues.

    • Posted By: mychelle2003 @ 12/21/2007 19:48:41

      Comment: Spoken like a true person who has never heard of, or has no idea what social anxiety disorder (also known as social phobia). Easy for a person who doesn't have social anxiety to get off their butts and do social things, but the fact is that most people who are lonely are not so because of choice, but circnumstance. I have social anxiety, I would love to be able to socialize and do social things, but I can't and this has been a source of depression, suicidal thoughts and loneliness for years. Ask any person with social anxiety and they will tell you just how "easy" it is not to be lonely and depressed.

      • Posted By: I LUV DOGS @ 12/22/2007 00:30:37

        Comment: This world we live in will never understand or want to understand the implications of emotional and Mental illiness. I live it everyday with my 21 year old daughter. God Bless her and I wonder if she will ever be what the world considers NORMAL.

        • Posted By: pinkpanther87413 @ 12/24/2007 10:34:14

          Comment: she is now

  • Posted By: que bon @ 12/21/2007 7:10:13 PM

    Comment: "for most of us the greater risk may be treating real flesh-and-blood humans as playthings."
    What? Did anyone else fid that a bit of a jump. The inverse is not wanting to disrupt your comfortable circle with new people but that doesn't mean you equate outsiders with playthings. Did anyone else think that was absurd, or can atleast explain the jump.

  • Posted By: que bon @ 12/21/2007 7:08:32 PM

    Comment: "for most of us the greater risk may be treating real flesh-and-blood humans as playthings."
    What?! As playthings, that is a bit of a jump, that inverse is not being wanting to disrupt your comfortable circle but that doesn't mean you equate outsiders as playthings. Did anyone else think that was an absurd statement. OR can you explain the jump?

  • Posted By: fjc01760 @ 12/21/2007 7:00:38 PM

    Comment: Monks and other religious live in silence with little interaction so that they may more easily hear God speak to them. Perhaps those who live lives alone are not just subsituting their pets for human interaction but actually are better able to "tune in" to their pets and related on another level.

    • Posted By: nemesis48 @ 12/22/2007 02:08:59

      Comment: That's very interesting, I my self have a bird and peole think I'm lonely, but I don't feel as much. To me, I really belive my bird is my adopted son and just like a little family. Top of that, somehow, I am so honored to have such a precious family.

  • Posted By: kchennig @ 12/21/2007 7:00:01 PM

    Comment: I can't believe this.......I watched the tom hanks film for the second time last night , and I don't know why...when he was on the raft. .. trying to leave the island for the last time .....I could not help it.....The emotions where there and could not be held back......I cryed whe WILSON drifted away....... I kept asking myself....why am I crying.......could not believe that I too was so attached to that ball that he was .....What a movie ..........I believe I will watch it every year just before Christmas... to put me in perspecitive.......KURT

    • Posted By: pinkpanther87413 @ 12/24/2007 10:37:31

      Comment: Bill Murry in Scrooged is also a good flick for this time of year try it crying for a guy is good health as i know im a old guy and still cry it's not unmanly only inhuman to make fun of

  • Posted By: STOP_ME @ 12/21/2007 6:59:28 PM

    Comment: I Believe that Lonely people are Either BORING or they PERCEIVE that People THINK that they are BORING ! and because of the Latter they would Rather NOT Engage in conversation for FEAR OF REJECTION **NOBODY LIKES BEING TOLD OR MADE TO FEEL THAT THEY ARE BORING

    • Posted By: bububear @ 12/22/2007 00:16:24

      Comment: I totally agreed that most 'sociable' people are fakes. They tried so hard to be accepted that they sacrifice their identities. I think most of these people are actually the loneliest on earth because they really have no true self-love. How could they when they don't even care to present their true identities to others?

    • Posted By: suv42 @ 12/21/2007 19:35:07

      Comment: Perhaps there are other reasons someone is lonely and it is worth understanding why. I lost my social support system when I had to leave my career due to medical reasons, which still keep me from working. I lost many of those who were still somewhat supportive after my husband passed away. Many worry about saying or doing the wrong thing so they do nothing, which is the wrong thing. I have experienced that many people are lonely because people are too shallow to support their "friends" when life gets difficult. I would love the social connections that I have lost. I am not boring but I am lonely.

    • Posted By: suv42 @ 12/21/2007 19:26:30

      Comment: I am lonely NOT because I am boring or worry about it. I am lonely because my husband died. Many people don't know what to say to the widow or fear doing something wrong, so they leave her alone. She begins to be left out of social gatherings she and her spouse attended.
      I am also lonely because I had to leave my career for medical resons. And again, people are no longer around. I have made many attempts to reestablish contact, but everyone is too busy. So I have lost my contacts and am left with people not wnating to open to anyone new.
      Before you begin blaming the lonely, perhaps recognizing each for individual situation. Don't apply your angry pathology until you know more.
      And hey folks, invite a widow for tea sometime.

  • Posted By: fjc01760 @ 12/21/2007 6:59:03 PM

    Comment: Monks and other religious live in silence with little interaction so that they may more easily hear God speak to them. Perhaps those who live lives alone are not just subsituting their pets for human interaction but actually are better able to "tune in" to their pets and related on another level.

  • Posted By: T906 @ 12/21/2007 6:54:08 PM

    Comment: I have several problems with this article. First of all, I am a little troubled to hear the author include the belief in a higher power in his list of attitudes that are born from loneliness. Hasn't it practically been proven that human beings are hard-wired to believe in a higher power? Isn't that part of our DNA? Religion is one of our societal institutions. Just like family. Just like education. Common to most religions is the belief in a higher power or in a "supernatural being" as the author puts it. Lonely humans don't believe in God. Human believe in God. As for the inclination for lonely people to attribute human characteristics to animals, I don't believe this is necessarily the case either. Some animals, biologically, have behavior and characteristics that are more appealing to humans. As a result, these animals have become domesticated. Domesticated animals who are cared for by humans have a greater chance at survival and, thus, greater opportunity to pass on their "people-friendly" DNA. Therefore, it should come to no surprise that that some humans, at times, attribute characteristics like "friendly" and "loyal" to their domesticated pets. If the pets did not have these traits, they would probably be fending for themselves, like squirrels and pidgeons. Now this may be a stretch for some, but aren't we headed in the same direction with technology? Computer programs are becoming so sophisticated and society as a whole is becoming so dependent upon them, that it's no wonder that people-- not only lonely people-- would begin to ascribe human characteristics to them as well. This is not necessarily a function of loneliness. It is a function of human evolution which, I happen to believe, was set into motion by God.

    • Posted By: William.Demuth @ 12/26/2007 16:01:30

      Comment: Interesting! Loneliness and isolation are correlated to belief in supernatural nonsense.

      Did it ever occur to the author that the chicken may have come before the egg!

      I for one immediatley look for the exit sign the moment someone even utters the term Jesus!

      Religion is no more hard wired than socialisim is. The studies that concluded otherwise were merely forwarding an agenda.

  • Posted By: alivealivealive @ 12/21/2007 6:51:15 PM

    Comment: I just want to thank you for writing this.

  • Posted By: maira15 @ 12/21/2007 6:44:38 PM

    Comment: man is a social animal, this is what the world is telling us around. honestly, if we look around, thats the case. nobody wants to be lonely, everyone wants love n attention. We humans crave for it. Our body clock start blinking the time we feel love or pain. We cry, laugh, smile, kiss...........Its difficult to make friends but a process of initiation is required. Nobody has the skill to master emotions and to win people but just imagine, humans are made up of cells, we call them living things..........we are growing with each passing day, we multiply.......we cannot live alone

  • Posted By: MarkLV @ 12/21/2007 6:43:37 PM

    Comment: Wow lesli, similar story, same city. Don't make friends easily and the ones I have are long gone too. Funny, when I was back in CA, I would make it a point to help my friends move, paint their houses, loan computer, construction and locksmithing skills, whatever I could do to help. But when it was time for me to need that help in return, there was nobody helping, nobody waving me goodbye. Remodeled interior alone, painted exterior alone, moved to Vegas with no help too. Overall, been battling depression for all of my years; I too try to give a bright face to the world. I see a path, you're walking along it, you go for a spell along a similar path with some other people, but in the long run, you're totally alone. People only care as long as it extends to the limit of "me", besides that, you're on your own. Depression is not something that is in absence, sometimes it really is your situation, accept it.

  • Posted By: mbiggie @ 12/21/2007 6:36:40 PM

    Comment: "That is, people who are not lonely, who are secure in their circle of friends and family, may be more likely to dehumanize strangers; they have no motivation to make further connections."

    I have to completely agree with this statement. My entire life I have moved every couple of years and so I've always been "the new girl." Some people won't even bother learning my name. It is very hard to convince people that they need a new friend when they already have all the family and friends they need before you come along.

  • Posted By: mbiggie @ 12/21/2007 6:34:26 PM

    Comment: "That is, people who are not lonely, who are secure in their circle of friends and family, may be more likely to dehumanize strangers; they have no motivation to make further connections."

    I have to say that I completely agree with this. I grew up moving around very often and so I've always been the "new girl." It always took time to find friends because no one was looking for a new friend. They had everyone they thought they needed before I came along so it is hard convincing people that you can be a part of their lives as well.

  • Posted By: heartcentered @ 12/21/2007 6:27:09 PM

    Comment: Pets, in my opinion dogs, ARE human, better than humans. They give unconditional love and affection, forgive are inherentlly loyal and protective. Many it the time that my BP is soaring or my heart is aching and lying there next to my canine rests and relaxes. There is indeed someting supernatural in the yes of a loyal dog, a spirit that renews even the most cynical of humans.

    Lastly there is a distinct difference between being alone and being lonely. A good book, music,a nap, an old movie, your favorite food can all be fine companions if you are at opeace with yourself in the world. In the alternative, there are a hundred ways to reach out and make a difference to others. It's more than the perspective of looking at your glass at half full; it's practicing gratitude that you have a glass at all!

  • Posted By: lesli @ 12/21/2007 6:24:23 PM

    Comment: I recently befriended a stray cat because my boyfriend has been playing video games. It really helps to have a pet around (my first pet) especially because my boyfriend works nights. Moving to this city was really tough and my family has never cared to keep in touch (except my dad but he works a demanding job and calls every three months). I had felt disappointment with my friends because none of them have bothered to keep in touch (except when they feel they need something). Two of my best friends have shunned me because I was married 9 years ago to an abusive man who isolated me from family and friends. My friends did forgive me but things have just not been the same. I do agree that having a pet helps. My boyfriend can be self centered (he loves video games and remote controlled airplanes, boats, and cars). We moved to a different city and none of my friends keep in touch so I do experience loneliness. I believe that the world does have alot of lonely people and it is many times hard to admit (I know it is hard for me to admit too). I work different shifts at my job now and have found it to be lonely because the women speak nonenglish languages. The men speak english but most of them I cant trust because they try to date me (and are married) or the ones that are single are self centered or jerks. Moving to Vegas was a mistake and I miss California. I have a feeling that the economy is still slow in California so for now I am stuck here. Having a pet does help and I just want to say that pets can be wonderful creatures. My pet recently had three kittens. They were very cute but recently have learned how to poo everywhere. We are giving away one of them. Its funny because I consider myself a fairly friendly person, just been in the wrong relationships. It is hard for me sometimes to admit that I am lonely and I put on a front with my coworkers that everything is fine (most of the time they are speaking a different language anyways except the guys but all they talk about is football!!) Geez. I do like football but must we talk about it 24 hrs! They do gamble those guys.

    • Posted By: Trey1010 @ 12/21/2007 19:22:26

      Comment: Thanks for your opinion it really makes sense and i so feel the same

  • Posted By: lolaray @ 12/21/2007 6:15:42 PM

    Comment: What's wrong with loneliness? With capitalism and narcissism being the most popular philosophies today, it's kind of expected.