The Bitter-Sweet Taste Of Success

I am an agony aunt—a print and online advice columnist—in China. By accident. I used to write a column on sex, but it was considered too risqué by the censors. So we changed it to a Q&A format instead. In the beginning, my editors wrote the questions. But after two issues, real letters started to come in from readers. A year and a half ago, I also started to write a blog, which became very successful.

The questions I receive offer fascinating insights into what it's like to be a woman in China today. Since the column started, we have received a total of 14,397 letters, 90 percent of them from women. Most of the writers live in urban areas and hold college degrees. A quarter of them write me about affairs with married men, usually the women's bosses. To get a sense of their concerns, consider the following sample:

Dear Huang, I have been in a romantic and sexual relationship with my boss for five years. I am now pregnant with his child. His wife has known about our relationship all along but refuses to give him a divorce. I am comfortable being his concubine, [si nce] he is very kind to me: he bought me an apartment and has promised to pay all the expenses for our baby. But my parents, who are Communist Party members and very conservative, think it is immoral and want me to leave him and have an abortion. What s hould I do?

Some 30 percent of my readers, meanwhile, seem to have a hard time finding a partner at all. Here is a typical complaint:

Dear Huang, I am 32, and have a master ' s degree in English. I am also very good looking, if I may say so. But I have problems finding a spouse. One of the problems is that I am not a virgin. The other one is that my graduate degree is intimidating to Chinese men. My friends suggest that I li e about both and even get an operation [to simulate virginity]. Is this the only way I can get someone to love me? Should I do it?

Such problems are far from unique, and say a lot about the attitudes of Chinese women. Most of us now face acute dilemmas over what roles to play in the country's booming new market economy. Although we have gained economic status as China has grown richer, we have not really gained in social status. Chinese society is still deeply traditional, and Confucius said that "a virtuous woman is without talent." This notion remains deeply rooted in Chinese culture. We don't like highly educated, highly paid professional women. Deep down, many Chinese remain very skeptical about the value of successful woman when it comes to relationships, families and social environments. When women make money, it is considered disruptive.