To Be Gay — And Mormon

As A Pious Churchgoer, Stuart Matis Prayed And Worked To Change His Sexual Orientation. He Died Trying
 
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It had become an all too familiar sound. Late on the night of Feb. 24, Stuart Matis's mother lay awake in bed, listening to her 32-year-old son pacing his room, unable to sleep. She worried that his depression was worsening. A year earlier Matis had told his parents he was gay, and all three, as devout Mormons, had struggled to reconcile Matis's homosexuality with the teachings of their church. Matis found little comfort in Mormon doctrine, which regards homosexuality as an "abominable" sin. A church therapist instructed him to suppress his sexuality or to undergo "reparative therapy" to become a heterosexual. Matis was especially frustrated by the church's energetic efforts to pass Proposition 22, California's ballot measure banning same-sex marriage. The yes on prop 22 signs that dotted his Santa Clara neighborhood, many placed there by church members, were a reminder of his failure to find acceptance as a Mormon and gay man.

Matis concluded he could not be both. That night, his mother got out of bed and wrote a letter asking the church to reconsider its position on gay Mormons. Only later would she learn that her son had been up writing his own letter, to his family and friends, explaining why he couldn't continue to live. Early the next morning, 11 days before voters would overwhelmingly approve Prop 22, Matis drove to the local Mormon church headquarters, pinned a do not resuscitate note to his shirt and shot himself in the head.

Matis's death galvanized gay activists, who accused Prop 22 supporters of driving him to the grave. Friends and family agree that the church's active support of the measure contributed to his decision to end his life when--and where--he did. Clearly, they say, he was trying to make a statement.

But that is only part of the story. Though gays and lesbians enjoy more rights and protections than ever before--last week Vermont approved same-sex partnerships akin to marriage--gays in search of spiritual support often find their church, synagogue or mosque to be far less accepting. To Mormons, who adhere to a strict moral code of conduct, disapproval by the church can be especially devastating. For Stuart Matis, it apparently was too much to bear. (The Mormon Church declined to comment about Matis. "Suicide is a tragedy of great personal loss for family and community," said a spokesman. "We express our sympathy and have respect for the privacy of the families.")

Even as a young boy, friends recall, Matis cherished his Mormon identity and the church's moral demands. But at 7, Matis began harboring a terrifying secret: he realized he was attracted to boys. For the next 20 years he kept the secret from everyone he knew, and prayed fervently for God to make him heterosexual. He tried to make up for what he considered his shortcoming by being perfect in other areas of his life. He studied hard in school and attended every church function he could. Though he deeply loved his family, he showed little outward affection, fearing he would blurt out his secret in an avalanche of emotion. "He would punish himself if he had a [homosexual] thought," says his childhood friend Jenifer Mouritsen. "He wouldn't allow himself to go to a friend's birthday party or [wouldn't] watch his favorite TV program." Instead, he would sit in his room and read Scripture. He set goals for himself not to think about boys for a certain length of time.

In some ways, being a Mormon made it easy for Matis to conceal his homosexuality. The religion strictly forbids any intimate physical contact between men and women before marriage. As a teenager, Matis hung out with a group of boys and girls who went to parties and school dances together.

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Member Comments

  • Posted By: apple597 @ 01/26/2009 2:24:53 PM

    @mormonsoprano, yes the Mormon Church did fail these young men. What use is treatment for severe depression when the cause of that depression is not going to be addressed? When people cannot reconcile their spiritual beliefs with accepting who they are, it can end with dire consequences. The answer is acceptance, not pretense of acceptance in the hopes of "curing" someone of something (sexual orientation) that is inherent to that person's being.

  • Posted By: JHCowboy @ 10/02/2008 5:51:45 PM

    I also need to add that the LDS treatment of its gay members is very arbitrary. One ward bishop treats a gay person with phobia and disdain while another will be very Christlike and supportive. Stuart Mattis's friend and bishop, Bishop Robert Rees is an incredible exception to the rule as he is truly the kind of pastor whom Christ envisioned to lead His sheep. Unfortunately men like Bishop Rees are rare in the LDS Church. Even he was not able to shield Stuart from the tyranny of the majority found within the LDS culture that still believes that there is some element of choice in a person's orientation. They also teach that if you fall in love with someone of the same gender (even kissing and holding hands) then you are on the slippery slope to serious transgression and sin. They have a very difficult time dealing with the curve ball of the same sex marriage changes found in other countries and in Massachusetts. That is one of the main reasons the LDS Church is fighting same sex marriage so forcefully and with such vigor. When all is said and done it is bigotry pure and simple to disallow two adults who want to marry and make that commitment. It is very wrong to force this kind of bigotry onto our society at large including people who are not religious and who do not believe the same way.

  • Posted By: JHCowboy @ 10/02/2008 5:30:57 PM

    I am looking at the posts below and seeing yet again the pure denial and the dogmatic posturing that is going on with many Mormons who will not take their leaders to task on these issues. I grew up in the LDS Church and was inundated with the sea of ignorance about homosexuality within the Mormon Church. The most terrible damage that was done to me as an individual was in reading and internalizing the horrible things that were written about gay people in pamphlets like To Young Men Only and To The One both written by LDS Apostle Elder Boyd K. Packer and the chapter of President Spencer W. Kimball's book The Miracle of Forgiveness entitled The Crime Against Nature wherein Elder Kimball calls homosexuals "perverts". Obviously President Kimball was ignorant about these issues and indeed wished to help but due to this incredible ignorance and fear of learning the truth about these issues gay and lesbian Mormons (and their families and friends) suffered immeasurably. The LDS Church will still not take these documents out of circulation but have continued to print and distribute them. I received a copy of To The One from my Bishop only 2 years ago. Don't try to tell me that the Church is applauding gay people in their leadership positions, as celibate gay Latter-day Saints. Far too many Mormons just don't get it. They have absolutely no clue about what we go through and the fact that we only wish to be treated as equals in all aspects of life and that includes the ability to date and to find someone of our own gender to spend the rest of our life with. That is a God given blessing and it is one that the Church will one day have to face sooner or later.

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