She’s Gotta Have It

Unlike other commenters who all seem to know the answers to this complex issue I can only speak for myself. I no longer want to have sex with my wife because she sleeps most of the day, plays on yo'ville or watches some form of reality television and cannot seem to throw in a load of clothes or cook a meal. Occasionally she cleans the floors, or folds some clothes (but I have to put the clothes away). After years of therapy she finally quit going--I still go. All of the therapists have told her the same thing: your life would improve if you will get out of the house and do something. They have all tried telling her that she is abusive, but to no avail. They have also informed me that if we go to divorce they will gladly testify (it is a civil matter and a minor child is involved ethics do not preclude their testamony).

I come home early three days or more a week (my job is flexible) and care for my daughter while she deals with a migraine. While my wife lives on anti-depressants, and anger management drugs in addition to her diabetic, and hypertension medicine. I do not try to stop her from taking massive doses of painreliever/benedryl because it is easier than dealing with the yelling, screaming and cursing because dinner isn't ready yet. She has advanced degrees from college, but they are not doing her any good--part of why I began dating her is because of her brilliant mind.

I work two jobs, do the housework, and most of my daughter's child care. If I were not frightened about what would happen to my daughter I would have left her 8 years ago. Soon my daughter will be old enough to take care of herself, or at least phone me if things get bad and I will divorce her. If I lose custody, I will give my child a cell with my number on speed dial.

I don't want to have sex with my wife, and if this is what marriage is then I want nothing to do with it ever again.

My libido, and testosterone, plummeted when I started on certain medications. In addition I had chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. With the sleep disorders that came along with these things I couldn't stay awake in a darkened room in a horizontial positiion. My sense of touch had changed and normally pleasant touch had become painful. All of this together had a horrendous effect on our sex life. Sixteen years later with changes in medications, vitamins etc, I have recovered in most all ways but my wife is long gone. There can be medical reasons that desire and ability for sex disappear. Sometimes these can be treated. Testosterone supplementation made a big difference for me and helped with the fibromyalgia too.

how about male menopause and low testirone my husband was found to have it with med he is doing better n so is our sex life

I am a very attractive, very sexual person, married to a man who is not into sex.
After 10 years of cryong, begging, then bringing my self esteem to zero. I realized I had to get my needs met.
When ny husband and I have sex it is wonderful. But occasionally is not enough, (8 times a year)

For five years I have had a friend, no one knows, we NEVER socialize. We don't mix love and sex. I love my husband, he fullfills my needs.

I am against cheating on your spouse. But people cheat for all kinds of reasons and this is out of self preservation

I don't agree Dunkinbleak that a guy should step outside his marriage even if it is a (as you put it, a young hot blonde) that would be good for his libido. He should either get things together with his partner, or it he' so determined, get divorced & then go for the adventure.
Don't get me wrong though, I believe I get it when it comes to what guys want. Yes they want adventure & excitement, even after many many yrs of marriage. So no the sunday kind of love ain't gonna cut it.
To quote a song "a man wants a lady in the street, & a freak in the bed"!! I believe for most men this is probably true. Problem is, for alot of women being a freak in the bed FREAKS them out!! So just how are a woman & a man supposed to get on the same sex page & hopefully stay on it? Perhaps part of it is just pure luck, some coincidence, maybe a little chemistry, bottom line I think it takes alot of open & honest communication. Even if you think you might be embarrased by what your thoughts or feelings are when it comes to sex, we gotta always be hones to our partner, especially from the beginning. I thilnk what could happen sometimes is that we actually get with the wrong partner for us sexually, even though it's for all the right reasons. The person we fall in love with could very well have all the qualities we are looking for in a long term relationship, but somehow the sex takes a second seat so to speak. We are trying to be at our best, to be kind & considerate to this person, so the idea of bringing up some wild or crazy sexual fantasy might not seem like the right thing to do. Maybe it's subconscious & don't even realize that we are not completely fulfilled (even though we seem to be having good sex) But after time we start to feel like there is something missing. And as that feeling grows it starts to create problems for us. Just a little theory I had, who knows, there maybe many reasons why these sexually disfunctional husbands & wives get to the place where they just don't know what to do anymore. I certainly can't speak for anyone else, but I think it would be a very sad life to through being sexually deprived & frustrated. Help should be seeked at all costs, but if nothing works, I say a couple should call it quits, & who knows maybe they will find exactly what each one needs in other people.

This article pre-supposes that monogamy is the natural and good thing. Consider that it might not be. Honestly, for most of these guys with low libido, it's nothing that couldn't be fixed by a young hot blond. The husband wants adventure and excitement, while the wife is providing a "calm, Sunday kind of love". Sure, the husband needs to do his part. But many married women are clueless about what a guy needs.

After being my my husband (dating) for three months, the sex stopped. I couldn't figure it out. And then, thinking it was stress, or trying to build a home, etc as the reason, and it would get better when things "settled down" (does life EVER settle down?) - it never got better. After we'd been married (oh, and by the way, I'm a beautiful woman, 35 and weigh the same now as I did then AND I HAVE a sex drive) and had a baby, I found out the reason he didn't want me; Pornography. Internet, magazines, even resorted to a picture of a vagina in a biology book. It's about selfishness with him. He's addicted to other women's vagina's because they don't ask anything in return. There is no obligation. It's instant gratification, and he doesn't have to talk to her.

Simple. But VERY complicated.

As of now, we haven't had sex in six months and he refuses to talk about it saying that "I'm crazy" or that I expect too much.

Sad. Sad. And more sad. I'm only 35. And this is it?

p.s. it's a vicious cycle - the addiction to porn - they like the 'high' then they feel bad, so they want to feel 'good' again, and look at porn again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Blah.

I've always stood firm on the subject of infidelity. It's a deal-breaker. But I sure think that there are a lot of women out there wondering what is going on, and haven't a clue. And they are extremely susceptible to an extra-marital affair.

This article makes a lot of sense. My husband suffers from low libido and I know he isn't cheating. I know where he is 24/7. I thought it was all the stress and worry on his mind that was affecting his get up and go but this article just proved to me that it is a viable reason to be addressed to help his libido. Men who can't get going aren't always cheating. there are more reasons than cheating that can cause low sex drive. Stress, worry, low self confidence, over weight, high blood pressure... the list goes on and on. For someone to just assume that their man is cheating, just because he isn't in the mood, is just stupid and untrusting. If your first thought is he is cheating and you are getting out, just because he isn't preforming for you, then you should get out because you obviously don't love him enough to be together through anything. If your man isn't giving you the workout in the bedroom that you want you need to talk to him first. Don't just assume he is cheating. Im not saying no man cheats but just because he is giving you what you need doesn't mean he is being faithful. My ex-husband was having sex with me nearly everynight and his girlfriend nearly everyday, so low drive doesn't automatically mean cheating. There are a lot more signs to cheating than low drive. Trust your partner first until he proves to be untrustworthy. Try new things, try relieving his worries and stresses, and when all else fails talk to him get inside his head and see what is bothering him before you start accussing him of cheating.

OOOPS, Sorry I seemed to have posted 2x without realizing!!!

Darla this article as you say might be written & discussed by men. but these comments are from both men & women. Perhaps some of these men are cheating on their wives, I really don't know. But It also possible that they are not cheating, viewing porn or what ever. That they have legit reasons for how they feel, are you forgetting they are people. People I might add, I for one as a woman am very glad for!!!! For all those bad guys out there, you should know how to sort them out, but all the rest are good guys, & are the kind of guys we would like to have in our lives!! There is negative, but lest us not forget the positive!!

This article is bull s*(&# !!!!. Written by men, discussed by men, and decided by men, they are just trying to cover up the truth. That these men are cheating on their wives. Either by outside sex, strip clubs or pornography. You're not fooling me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

50 yr old woman here with just my opinion. very interesting discussion is the topic of sex!! seems to get a little like the war between the sexes! at the risk of shooting myself in the foot here, I'm gonna have to agree with alot of the mens comments. They pretty much will tell you if you would only listen. I have read every one of the posts here, & I get it!! Men are people too, not just the sex machines that we as women have been conditioned to believe. They have needs, desires, and lulls just like we do. My belief is that once the symptoms arrive now you think you have a problem. But really you had the problem a very long time ago, you just missed the clues, or quite frankly not paying attention at all to you man. Try to think back when this first started happening, what was going on then? Was there alot of pressure on him to provide for a young growing famliy? Was he trying to be there for you, but tired all the time? Was he suggesting things that made you think he was a pervert, or freak? Did you put alot of demands on him, or shoot him down alot? Think real hard, because perhaps you might be part of the problem, even if you don't want to own it!!
My experiences have taught me alot about men, & alot of it learning the hard way (no pun intended!) In my younger days when I (at least I thought so) looked pretty dam good, & thought I had IT going on. Only to discover with time & maturity, yeah I looked good & had a good body but that was it!! I was inhibited like alot of young girls are. Wouldn't budge to save my life, & lost quite a few good men that way. Men will usually let you know who they are & what they are about in a very short time of getting to know them. You just have to open enough to hear them. Once you do, so much the better. If open, truly open communication happens from the beginning of a relationship (and it remains open) all things are possible. It is when that door starts to close that problems sneak in without you even realizing it. As I said before, when you have problems with you sex life (or many other aspects of a relationship) it is a symptom, not the root, which is the problem itself. You must get to the root & dig it out if you want to fix it.
Ok then I'm done, you can bash me now as I expect some of you will!! Ahh but I can take it!!! Good luck to all of you though, for I wish everyone could have as good a sex life as I'm having!!!!!!!!!!!

Very interesting discussion here!! I'm a 50 yr old woman who's had her share of ups & downs. One thing I have learned is alot about my own sexuality. In my younger days when I (at least I thought so) looked pretty good & thought I had no inhibitions--- boy was I WRONG!!!! About the inhibitions anyway. At the risk of shooting myself in the foot here, I will have to say I agree with ALOT of what the men are saying.
Like it or not some of us women have to face the fact that maybe some of the problem is within your power to fix (given some time). Men that will talk with you about the problem have stated over & over again in the discussion, the lack of desire for you comes over periods of time (not just overnight). If for example he told you he wanted to try something new in the bedroom, for example say anal sex & you branded him a pervert or freak, well you just added another brick to the wall your building. Course it doesn't have to even be that extreme, even just the thought of having sex with the lights on is scarry for alot of women. We are conditioned to be always concerned about how we look, and God forbid how might we look with the lights on?
I can only speak from my own experiences here, but as I get older the sex is getting better & better!!! I believe it is because of myself, not necessariy my partner (course that helps too!!) My blinders are off, I'm no critical of myself anymore, you either like who I am & how I look or you don't. Self confidence is my key to fulfillment in my sex life. I am open minded, upfront about what I like & want, & give my partner just as much equal time. I listen to his desires, no matter how freaky it might sound, & give him the respect he deserves for telling me just what it is he wants. Communication is always the answer, & for those who can't seem to achieve this, my opinion it is because the open communication was shot down a long time ago. So be careful what you say in the heat of the moment, you might not think it matters, but it can manifest into something much bigger over time if not attended to early on. Good luck to all, and bash me now if you will!!!

Reasons I sometimes do not want sex with my wife:
- I am feeling lazy. Making love is work and I just want the pleasure, so I will wait for her to go to sleep then masturbate.
- I am out of shape and don't like looking at my own body. I am not as influenced by her body sometimes as I am by my own.
- I am not feeling particularly attracted to my wife that day.
- I am tired. Sometimes this is because we watched TV instead of spending time together before going to bed and it is late and I so not want to expend the energy.
- I am bored with the way we have been having sex but my wife is not that interested in trying new things.
- I am bored with the way we have been having sex but I am intimidated and don't want to ask for it because I want my wife to enjoy the sex.
- I am tired of being the giver and the creative one and I don't want to bother.

Those are some reasons from my own life.

Are you kidding! Just because a man is not having sex with his wife doesn't means he's getting it elsewhere. Even if it's the same sex. The article hit it on the head. The relationship is no longer adventurerous or there are other issues at stake. I believe if the lack of sex is the problem, there should not be disruptive to the family. However, there need to be some form of communications and possible theraphy. I'm going home to talk to my wife. bye.

I would be interested to know just how many of these men are too busy with their same sex activities that they can't be man enough to satisfy their wife. Just look at craigslist.com and all the personals are men looking for men, and most of the men there are married! It isn't a mystery of what is happening. Wives, if your man isn't interested any more, you better start looking for the clues. He's getting it somewhere!!

for the researchers....ask these men how many of them are out having same sex encounters behind their wives backs? I'll bet my identity that at least 3 out of 4 men you talk to are having same sex encounters rather than being with their wife if they are in a sexless marriage and the wife is still wanting sex. Why do I say this? I'm in that marriage now. And I know many others there too. And look at the personals on craigslist.com -it is full of married men lookiing to 'hook-up' with other men for sex! not looking for women (they have one of those already).