Unlike other commenters who all seem to know the answers to this complex issue I can only speak for myself. I no longer want to have sex with my wife because she sleeps most of the day, plays on yo'ville or watches some form of reality television and cannot seem to throw in a load of clothes or cook a meal. Occasionally she cleans the floors, or folds some clothes (but I have to put the clothes away). After years of therapy she finally quit going--I still go. All of the therapists have told her the same thing: your life would improve if you will get out of the house and do something. They have all tried telling her that she is abusive, but to no avail. They have also informed me that if we go to divorce they will gladly testify (it is a civil matter and a minor child is involved ethics do not preclude their testamony).
I come home early three days or more a week (my job is flexible) and care for my daughter while she deals with a migraine. While my wife lives on anti-depressants, and anger management drugs in addition to her diabetic, and hypertension medicine. I do not try to stop her from taking massive doses of painreliever/benedryl because it is easier than dealing with the yelling, screaming and cursing because dinner isn't ready yet. She has advanced degrees from college, but they are not doing her any good--part of why I began dating her is because of her brilliant mind.
I work two jobs, do the housework, and most of my daughter's child care. If I were not frightened about what would happen to my daughter I would have left her 8 years ago. Soon my daughter will be old enough to take care of herself, or at least phone me if things get bad and I will divorce her. If I lose custody, I will give my child a cell with my number on speed dial.
I don't want to have sex with my wife, and if this is what marriage is then I want nothing to do with it ever again.
She’s Gotta Have It
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Both books offer comprehensive advice on how to identify the problem and work through it (that is, if you think it's a problem). But the most salient suggestion may just be that well-worn Nike adage: Just do it. Even if you're not in the mood. According to Weiner Davis, many men with low sexual desire can get into the mood for some carnal gymnastics if they simply follow their wives' sexual overtures and allow her to get things started physically. "Desire often follows arousal," she says, and sometimes all men need is a little "jump start." If that doesn't work, says Weiner Davis, a husband can still be sexually attentive to his wife. "Marriage is supposed to be a partnership," she says. "A woman will feel very good about herself, and the whole relationship can improve, if a husband with low libido says, 'Honey, I'm not in the mood, but I want to make you feel good'." Not good enough? Then counseling or sex therapy may be the next step.
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