Yes To Love, No To Marriage
I am committed to Jeff for life. I just don't need a piece of paper and a pretty white dress to prove it.
Last year, during a family barbecue concluding our annual visit to my beloved Jeff's Michigan hometown, his sister-in-law pulled him aside to ask why we weren't moving our relationship down a church aisle. "I thought there would be an announcement," she said. Jeff reminded her that we had shared good news about buying a house together, a significant step in our three-year relationship.
"You two are doing it backward," she said.
I am a 42-year-old woman who has lived life mostly on my own terms. I have never sought a husband and have still experienced intense, affirming love. I have explored the world and myself and sought understanding, knowledge and a sense of how I can best contribute. Ten years ago I left a New York career to return to California and pursue a writer's life. Shortly thereafter I met an intelligent teenager, also determined to live life on her own terms, who is now my fabulous foster daughter.
Meeting Jeff—an intelligent, creative, thoughtful man—became the icing on the rich cake of a life not wasted cruising singles bars and pining over lost loves.
Last year Jeff asked me to marry him, and I willingly gave my heart to the intent of his question. We are committed to spending our future together, pursuing our dreams and facing life's challenges in partnership.
Yet I do not need a piece of paper from the state to strengthen my commitment to Jeff. I do not believe in a religion that says romantic, committed love is moral only if couples pledge joint allegiance to God.
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Member Comments
Posted By: alwaystheleo @ 05/20/2008 10:04:08 PM
Comment: I was just having a discussion with my girlfriend about this.
We too are committed to each other, but don't want to get married... it just doesn't carry the same meaning for us, as it does for other people.
We tend to avoid the issue in conversation with others, because many people tend to be very unaccepting of the idea, which is reflected in some of the rude and hateful comments found here.
When people find something that works for themselves, whether it be marriage, a hobby, or a philosophy, they feel that everyone else is somehow missing the boat.
I have Rock climber friends who think that anyone NOT rock climbing just doesn't know what life is all about.
But Rock climbing, like marriage, may not be right for everyone.
For me and my girlfriend, it's encouraging to see that there are others out there who feel the same as us.
It's validating... in the same way it's validating for anyone to hear their own voices reflected by other people.
Thanks.
Posted By: bishop14 @ 05/01/2008 11:19:04 AM
Comment: So essentially she IS still getting married---just not through the state (as gay people have been doing for years). The idea that this is somehow rebellious is absurd! If rejecting the trappings of marriage---the license, the white dress---while still having a ceremony and celebrating her relationship publicly---seems rebellious to her, it just shows how deeply entrenched she is in our wedding-obsessed culture.
Posted By: Average Jane @ 04/14/2008 8:22:34 AM
Comment: Bravo to You! I'm glad you have a life-partner to share life's concerns with. The marriage ceremony is outdated & supremely patriarchal. True love does not need a ring, name-change, white dress & etc. It does need committent to a relationship, which sounds like Jeff & you have. Enjoy life & each other!