Yes To Love, No To Marriage

Part 2 Marriage why not
Your reasons for not getting married makes absolutey no sense compared
to that advantages of getting married. For example your words: " I don't want
to send a message to anyone, including my daughter???who may someday choose a
same-sex life partner" but, you wouldn't be mad if there were a custody
battle over your child because you were not legally married to your partner
and your child has to be with the next of kin. More of your words:
"I don't need Jeff to say publicly that he loves me, because he says it privately,
not just in words but in daily actions." Yet you feel the need to write this
article an profess your love for him publicly on the internet because...?
You should be glad you can choose your partner and be happy that its socialy
acceptable now. You should probably educate yourself about marriage here is
a link to lear about different types of unions http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage

A actual marriage does feel different!...Trust me I was girlfriend for
4 years, baby mama for 1 year, fiance for 1 year and now wifey.
And like you I did not care to get married, wear a dress, plan for months,
get my hair done and pick out colors and cake. What made me change my
mind was my husbands desire for all of those things. HE proposed to me,
looked forward to seeing me in a wedding gown, exchange rings ect. Marriage
is not about you all the time and to think that is....SELFISH. If you don't
see that then maybe you are not READY for marriage.

Part 1 Marriage why not!

Bottom Line, weather you are for same sex,hetoro,
or bisex, or whatever. Marriage is the next step above
"just seriously dating". And if one is not willing to
make the next step up in a relationship don't belittle
those who do. Although you may feel its not right
for you, that doesn't mean we should go changing its
significance and ridicule those who believe in it for
any reason weather that reason is religious, legal,
social or commercial. If marriage was not an extention
of this world...And think about what I am about to say!
Would it be filled with people not pre-exposed to any commitment
values just as early humans were not hip to electrcity or
running water. The answer is NO!

Just because divorce rates are climbing that does not mean that
marriage has lost its significance. Have you ever thought that
society is changing...every year the number of working spouses
(like my husband and I) are away from home and their children putting
more hours in the office on the job than they put into their familes
weekly. Its not that marriage is not the social norm, the social norm
is not the norm. During the times of the early 1900's most
families consisted of single incomes and now most hoseholds have
dual incomes. Marriage is whatever you want it to be but mostly
its a commitment between to adults. You seem to agree with that
by the words of your article. Marriage consist of many things,
not just the wedding dress,religion, rings, cake, kids, and husb/wifey
title. If thats what you think marriage is then the problem is
not marriage its your views on marriage. Its alot deeper than
the material,commercial "TV depiction" but you probably wouldn't
know that cause...You're NOT married. For you to say your relationship
is no different than others, How do you know that? You act as if its
superior.

Its pretty sad that Newsweek would find this drivel worth publishing. The story was silly and self righteous. Bonnie acts like she's trying to take a stand, and yet - what is her stand? Is she standing against marriage? Then why does she back down from her anti-marriage soap box by saying she still respects people who get married? Either you think marriage is stupid, or you don't - pick one. If she is so committed to Jeff then she shouldn't be afraid of "a piece of paper" when Jeff asked her to marry him. She just sounds like someone who is afraid to be legally bound and committed to Jeff, but doesn't want to admit it, so she comes up with a halfbaked stand that is neither for nor against marriage.

Committment is what 2 people make it. My boyfriend and I just celebrated 20 years together! And I know we are committed to each other because we WANT to be...not because a piece of paper sanctified by a church or state says we have to be. It is a whole different feeling of love and security knowing that this person could be with anyone, anywhere, anytime and yet, each and every day, of their own free will, they choose you. And by the way, I think the so-called "sanctity of marriage" was bought and sold by Fox when they put "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" on TV!

*sigh* I wish Bonnie were MY mother. I run into far too many people like Piazza who don't get it at all - and feel the need to try and make ME get it. Why is it so wrong to be different? I literally DO NOT CARE about marriage. If I were with someone who found it important, I may pause and consider it - at least talk about it. But he's planning it. It's too much stress for something that's supposed to be fun and happy. I don't know Piazza - maybe it's you who doesn't have it right. Maybe no one has it right. I do know that it's wrong that I feel like a big pile of crap because *I* don't fit the standard.

I don't consider those who choose marriage as needy and insecure either, although my feelings are exactly as Bonnie describes. I fully supported my brother in his choice to marry this past weekend. I couldn't be happier with my new sister-in-law. And you know why? Because it was important to them, I'm not paying attention to what I think would make them happy. It's up to them to determine that. I don't see either of them as particularly needy or insecure. I just know where they stand and care about how they feel. The fact that they're finally married is one step in the direction they want to go in and knowing they're acheiving their version of happiness is something that pleases me. I'm genuinely sorry that so many people have a difficult time with that concept.

I am surprised that Newsweek chose to publish this piece because her argument against marriage is so weak. Not only does she offer insignificant support for her own argument, but she fails to really address the other side of it.

My husband and I dated for 5 years before we got married. Neither of us is the least bit religious, so marriage doesn't equate to anything religious for us. We chose to get married to celebrate our love and our committment to one another. The party that the author intends to throw to celebrate her relationship with Jeff sounds exactly like a wedding w/o paperwork to me.

If she is really in love with Jeff and she plans to stay with him forever, than she should marry him because he asked her to. Obviously it means something to him. In addition, if she doesn't marry, she'll miss out on the deep, loving place her relationship has the potential to go. I had no idea that I could love my husband anymore than I already did. Then after we got married, the intensity of our relationship deepened to a place I never thought it could. I am more madly in love with him today than I ever have been - an extraordinary state of happiness I wouldn't be enjoying if we never married.

So grow up Bonnie! If you want to rebel against some American institutions and/or policies, why don't you focus your energy on helping your gay friends get the rights they so deserve.

Something about the way she says she doesn???t need all those things implies that those who have chosen the marriage route are needy and insecure. It would have been better phrased another way, rather than implying that marriage traditions are vain. It???s great to do your own thing, but it is just my opinion that it is no different to criticize a traditional bride???s wishes than it is for a traditional bride to criticize someone else???s choice. I doubt most brides "need" a white dress to feel pretty (I didn't), or that they are making any allusions about their virginity on their wedding day. Marriages come in the same wonderful varieties as any other relationship, and the relatinships and choices of couples who choose to include marriage in their life deserve just as much respect as couples who don't.

My concern with making major life decisions (like purchasing a house) with someone you are not married to is that in the event of a breakup there is little president of how to divide the assets. My husband had purchased a house with a girlfriend who, over the course of the relationship, became rather unstable and when he ended things with her, refused for many months to sell the house, buy him out, allow him to remove things from the house, transfer utlities into her name etc. It took many months and thousands in legal fees to sort out something that would have been much easier to deal with had they been married. It is important to get things in writing (almost like a prenup for the unmarried) before entering into any sort of financial entaglements.

Reading these comments, it's interesting to me why so many people seem offended by the author's choice not to marry. This is exactly why the non-married need to be speaking up! Like her, I am committed for life to my partner (now of 13 years) and neither of us wants to get married. We'd like not to explain it or defend it..it's just right for us. But when well-meaning people, like Jeff's parents in the article, would push us to get married it becomes important to explain what marriage means to us. So if you don;t agree with what Bonnie is saying, remember why she is saying it! She is simply defending and explaining her choice and her viewpoint against people who assume marriage is the ONLY way for EVERYONE, when she (and I) believe that one size does not fit all.

In reading this article there were many shallow arguments for her not to marry Jeff. Why are divorce rates on the decline in America? Is it because more people are committed to marriage for the long haul? No! The true reason is that more Americans are simply living together, and outside the bond of marriage. She claims to be committed to Jeff, but when his request was for marriage committment ended! Is it love then? My personal opinion is that it is not love, because love is selfless and giving to the other. The problem is more than just "I love Jeff and that is enough," but it is rooted is a selfish and sensual lust masked as love. Marriage is the ultimate committment which shows true fidelity and selfless love!

My biggest issue right now is the hype with wich emdeecee is rejecting every rejection of this article.

Feminism is about female equality, not selfish power. Feminisim is about being viewed as a human being worth respect, not as a "man" (which really goes against feminism, to think that we should be treated just like men).

There are TWO halves of this species - male and female. We work together to make this world work. Neither is more superior than the other (including ms bonnie and emdeecee). Each one has their own strengths and weaknesses. RESPECTING eachother is crucial.

Ms. Bonnie was proposed to by a man who wanted to get married, but she did not respect HIS wish, and instead continued to indulge in her own. HE wanted committment and to display his committment in a bond that (if broken) could potentially hurt him more than her. He was willing to sacrifice his own autonomy and put his trust in her committment to him by seeking a legally binding union with the woman he loved.

SHE spurned the marriage idea, in acceptance of an individualized relationship that both are free to walk out of with no repercussions (except some hurt feelings). She does not need to put any trust in his devotion as far as legal standings go, she is as committed as my 16 year old brother is to his girlfriend.

THIS is not feminism at its finest. It does not uphold the idea that woman are equal to men, it does not uphold the strengths that women have (on a social or individual level). It tears down a social institution that may be abused, may have lost some cultural relevance due to that abuse, but is no less relevant (and if you disagree, provide me with good reasons why not).

Believe it or not, life is not relative. It actually is not all about you.

(Begin the parade of 5 year olds all crying out "ME ME ME")

There is a large community of people who, like the author, believe in alternatives to marriage. Many of those people communicate and advocate for policy change through the Alternatives to Marriage Project, a national nonprofit working to end marital status discrimination and the stigma against being single.

I completely respect the authors decision not to get married.
However, what confuses me is she desperately wants others to accept and acknowledge her decision while her article feels as though she doesn't respect the decision of others to get married. While marriage may not be right for you it is right for others and its not fair to belittle a choice others have made. Deciding not to get married does not make you any hipper or better then anyone else, it just means you made a choice. Do not assume your relationship is any better, stronger, or more loving then that of a husband or a wife.

Men should stay single, especially in California, where women initiate >70% of all divorces.