Yes To Love, No To Marriage

There's so much I could say here. First, it's contradictory for you to claim that your relationship with Jeff symbolizes your commitment to each other when, without that "piece of paper," you can still walk away whenever you want. That's not commitment. Plus, theoretically speaking, it shows that he doesn't have to be fully committed to you, either (and vice versa), because he is not bound to the morals and values that marriage publicly emphasizes. Living together is a safety net, while marriage was instituted to solidify and protect the sacredness, the goodness and the devotion between a man and a woman. In a nut shell, marriage equals commitment. Anything less than that is pure selfishness.

Was this a junior high essay? It's hard to comprehend an adult writing the equivalent of "You don't understand! No one has ever felt this way before!" Anyone who believes that marriage is about a piece of paper is too intellectually barren to write for a national magazine. Except, perhaps, for Newsweek.

Misery loves company I guess. Most marriages are full of ambivlance to say-"get marred or society will crumple like a house of cards in a tornado is bullshyte and full of male privelige. Quite frankly, it's no one's damn business what of legal age adults do with each other.

And

Bonnie, I agree with you completely! Thanks for putting this out in the public sphere -- maybe people will realize that getting married is not necessary (nor sufficient...) in order to have a committed, loving relationship. In my opinion, it is just an out-dated social institution.

People who really don't care about marriage don't plan "events" to take place on a beach in front of a big audience, nor do they imagine that every single member of the family has an opinion about the situation.

Ms. Eslinger is as self-absorbed as any comical TV bridezilla. She patronizes her "in-laws" even when she is only imagining them discussing her live-in arrangement: "While I know the word 'married' would mean something to them, something tangible they could use when describing our life together..." With whom would they be discussing her? "Entertainment Tonight"?

And as for the sentence, "The terms 'husband' and 'wife' wouldn't even begin to describe our relationship," is a slap in the face to every one of us who has the guts to measure up to the word every day. During my husband's long coma, I was called, "his wife" dozens of times a day by hospital personnel, and it was my honor. And he was damn lucky to have me, because he needed a Wife, not a cockamamie, "partner, friend and lover."

Wow - when I came this site to put my two cents in I was amazed at all the diversity in the comments. All I wanted to say was that I found a wonderful man in my fifties and was never married before. It was a comment from an acquaintance who had recently married her long time partner after 20 years that made me consider marriage which I hadn't considered at all. I was like the author, owned my home, financially secure, etc. Her comment was being married was "diiferent and better". What does that mean??
Getting married was the best decision I ever made. Not withstanding all the legal and tax benefits mentioned , it's just "different" when you get that piee of paper. It means that you have made the huge commitment that marriage demands and I couldn't be happier.

Sad and defensive. Not to mention her thinking contains no nuance.

Is there the 'right' way to live your life? Who's there to fine this' is right or that is wrong? And who cares if you choose marriage or not. Please do not be full of yourself and think that people care how you live your life. I am not being sarcastic but being genuine here. We are not significant at all. We are just like a speck of dust and are only here for a very short time. But however you live your life, go by your heart and try not fulfill your own desires or make your self happy at the expenese of others.

Sounds to me like a bash against the institute of marriage. I have been married for 23 years, am committed for life and have a silly piece of paper. Yes the divorce rates are high but then again there are no statistics as to the rate that poeple simply walk away from a relationship, which Jeff could do at any time. I agree that a marriage certificate is no guarantee for a lifelong relationship with one person. Too many poeple rush into a marriage and then it fails. That is not a good reason to bash marriage. If your relationship is that strong than instead of being the free thinker that you claim to be, get married. It won't ruin your relationship, I guarantee it

I'm happy for you, that you found a life partner. I agree, that a piece of paper makes no difference in a committed relationship. What really matters, is your relationship.. Marriage is a tradition whose patriarchal roots is not supportive of an equalality in a relationship. What a great idea, to have a committment celebration!. I'd be there, if I was in the area

Seriously.What a ridiculous column. I'm offended, not religiously, cause I'm an atheist, but Im offended by the "better than you maried couples" attitude of the whole column. She said,"The terms "husband" and "wife" wouldn't even begin to describe our relationship." Well, whopee. I've been married for 12 years, since was 20,and I'm just happy as you are. Editors, this truly was drivel.

One of the silliest stories I have ever read in My Turn. It sounds like Bonnie's personal rant against marriage carries extreme undertones of personal self-affirmation. It seems a paradox that Bonnie refuses to proclaim her love in a court or church on grounds that her shared love is "private" intimate and inexplicable, yet she is willing to publish it in a widely read magazine column. It sounds to me like Bonnie has made it abundantly
clear that a couple's love should be exclusive, so why not keep it that way? If Bonnie is standing up for gay rights, there are plenty of ways to do that. Many of my gay friends showed up at my wedding with congratulations rather than a chide. I think the main point is that this article is self defeating. In much the same way that I find preaching about one's personal relationship with Christ disgusting, so too do I find preaching about one's personal relationship with Jeff. This article solidly puts to death the cliche that men are afraid of commitment. It looks to me that women are just as scared.

Bonnie, this was an excellent article to generate discussion... maybe not agreement, but good old 'town meeting' talk. What is marriage? When did it begin? Why did it begin? For health benefits? For legal aspects? To justify the procreation of offspring? Only one word comes to mind, COMMITMENT. No ceremony, no certificate, no religion, no institution or government can tell anyone about their commitment to a relationship or contract. TImes may have changed but the human mind stayed the same. Those of you on either side of this issue will continue to 'hold em' and maybe bluff your way through life, but the 50% divorce rate speaks volumes louder to the multitudes of illegitimate children about your commitment to the ancient and sacred institution of 'marriage'. Did the populace have pieces of papyrus in hand to garner themselves Social Security benefits or the rights to the child they just bore some 2100 years ago? I believe the weak individuals are the ones that stand amongst the status quo and are afraid to be the one to stand alone. Bonnie, "you go girl"!! You are truly a heroine in my book!!

While the author might not needa piece of paper to prove that she's committed to her partner for life, she does need that piece of paper to enjoy the over 1000 legal benefits that marriage bestows upon a couple. From tax-free inheritance through community property (even without a will), hospital visitation rights, making medical decisions to receiving a deceased partner's pension and Social Security benefits, these benefits are why we gays and lesbians are fighting so hard for the right to marry. If these rights could be obtained contractually, it would be less of an issue, but many of them cannot. The churches love to portray marriage as a "sacred institution," which is their perogative; however, the legal union is simply for benefits and protections that society offers no one else. All marriage should be civil unions, and the churches can make marriage rules as they wish.