Yes To Love, No To Marriage

Last year, during a family barbecue concluding our annual visit to my beloved Jeff's Michigan hometown, his sister-in-law pulled him aside to ask why we weren't moving our relationship down a church aisle. "I thought there would be an announcement," she said. Jeff reminded her that we had shared good news about buying a house together, a significant step in our three-year relationship.

"You two are doing it backward," she said.

I am a 42-year-old woman who has lived life mostly on my own terms. I have never sought a husband and have still experienced intense, affirming love. I have explored the world and myself and sought understanding, knowledge and a sense of how I can best contribute. Ten years ago I left a New York career to return to California and pursue a writer's life. Shortly thereafter I met an intelligent teenager, also determined to live life on her own terms, who is now my fabulous foster daughter.

Meeting Jeff—an intelligent, creative, thoughtful man—became the icing on the rich cake of a life not wasted cruising singles bars and pining over lost loves.

Last year Jeff asked me to marry him, and I willingly gave my heart to the intent of his question. We are committed to spending our future together, pursuing our dreams and facing life's challenges in partnership.

Yet I do not need a piece of paper from the state to strengthen my commitment to Jeff. I do not believe in a religion that says romantic, committed love is moral only if couples pledge joint allegiance to God.