Yes To Love, No To Marriage

I don't need a white dress to feel pretty, and I have no desire to pretend I'm virginal. I don't need to have Jeff propose to me as if he's chosen me. I don't need a ring as a daily reminder to myself or others that I am loved. And I don't need Jeff to say publicly that he loves me, because he says it privately, not just in words but in daily actions.

Our married friends say you can make a wedding—and a marriage—what you want, but that is not true. It's a specific institution with defining principles and values. If it weren't, there wouldn't be so-called marriage-protection laws in the majority of this country's states.

And for me, that's the bottom line when I consider cashing in on all the benefits our heterosexual relationship is entitled to. My gay friends can't do that. I don't want to send a message to anyone, including my daughter—who may someday choose a same-sex life partner—that the value of her relationships can be determined by law and the affirmation of others.

Nonetheless, however unengaged I am to the institution of marriage, Jeff and I began to talk through the possibility of holding some sort of celebration of our relationship. But we wonder about Jeff's family. "It'll be hard to get them to cross a state line for a commitment ceremony," he warned.

If it's not a wedding, if there's no priest or piece of paper from the state, some people just don't give any weight to your commitment—despite high divorce rates that remind us that such formalities offer no guarantee the relationship will endure.

Undeterred, we've begun planning for a daylong event near the ocean that would allow time for us to enjoy the company of friends and family without wasting time on obligatory cake cutting and flower tosses.