Letter To Dick Cheney

Dear Dick:

As you may know, Sen. Joseph Lieberman appeared on our program, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," two weeks ago. Our people are currently in touch with your people, trying to arrange a time for you to come on by for a segment. So far you haven't committed and that's cool. I just want to let you know that I understand why you've been holding back.

The past few weeks have seen an unprecedented and ruthless, take-no-prisoners televised charm offensive waged by the other three major party candidates. Al Gore has waxed folksy for Oprah and held cue cards for Jay. George W. Bush has played dress up for Regis. And Lieberman, after sitting down with Jon Stewart, ran off to sing and dance for Conan. Targeted voters--and other innocent civilians caught in the crossfire--have been subjected to a non-stop, carpet bombing of cutesiness, a relentless barrage of sticky sweet. Think Da Nang, then replace the napalm with syrup.

But you, Dick, have been AWOL from these engagements. And for this I commend you.

Personality-based pandering clearly goes against every fiber of your no-nonsense being.You chit-chatting on Rosie is as hard to imagine as Clint Eastwood starring in a musical. (I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Eastwood did star in the 1969 film version of Lerner and Loewe's "Paint Your Wagon." The film was a flop, though, in part because of Eastwood's performance, which ultimately proves my point … although I should also admit that the entire analogy is weak since hell would freeze over before Rosie would invite you on her show.)

But I also suspect a shrewd tactical consideration on your part. I think you calculated that as Americans begin reeling from our current state of charm-fatigue, your brand of Western-bred laconic grit will look better and better. And you're right. It does--Big Time.