Caring From Afar

Unfortunately, GCMs are not licensed, and their backgrounds are divergent. ""There are shysters out there, hanging out shingles,'' says Elizabeth Bodie Gross, president of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers. To avoid getting duped, check with the association first. All members are human-services professionals and abide by a code of standards. You don't have to hire a private manager to get good help. Every state has an Area Agency on Aging (AAA), offering references on everything from housing to lawyers. A national service, Eldercare Locator (800-677-1116), provides local AAA referrals. All it needs is a ZIP code. There are also a growing number of support groups for families caring for an elder.

The key to long-distance care is mapping out plans early. Experts warn against putting off painful discussions. ""The worst time to do the planning is when there's a crisis,'' says Donna Wagner, ""but that's what typically happens.'' Start talking to parents while they're still alert and mobile. Ask how they feel about retirement communities, since many have waiting lists. Untangle their finances. Meet their friends. Seek out services in their neighborhoods.

Once you and your parent have agreed on a plan of action, it is possible to monitor even the most routine activities from far away. Linda Ziskind of Bakersfield, Calif., used to feel guilty about living so far from her mother, Ellen Kagan, in Boston. But with the help of local services, Ziskind arranged for a home-health-care aide, an adult-day-care program and a meal-delivery system. At home in California, Ziskind has the telephone number of every key person in her mother's life. She keeps a calendar filled with her mother's appointments, so she knows when she's at the doctor or the hairdresser. Her mother's bills are sent directly to Ziskind to ensure they get paid. When Kagan needs new clothes, Ziskind gets duplicate catalogs and the two shop together by phone. It's a lot of work, but Ziskind prefers it to the constant worry. ""I feel so good now,'' she says. ""I really did it.''

FINDING A SUROGATE

Even the best care won't work if the person who needs it resists. Include parents in the decisions that will affect them. Some other tips

Get referrals: Call your parent's state agency on aging or a national group like the American Association of Retired Persons.