I don’t even like to utter the phrase Mother’s Day, as it gives credence to crass peddlers looking for any flimsy excuse to unload excess inventory. Besides, nowadays everybody gets a G-D! day: Did you know Siblings Day recently came and went? What’s next on the docket—Exes Day, Passing Acquaintance Day, Intolerable In-Laws Day? Hey, when they come up with Cold-Hearted Cynics Day, send me some wilted flowers and a bottle of knock-off cologne.
Assuming a self-driving Bentley or full-time butler is beyond your budget this year, go for the next best thing and wrangle Mom this mega-bauble: a robot-smart, all-in-one espresso machine, the Krups EA9010J, a bean-grinding, milk-frothing, self-cleaning bag of digital bolts that will caffeinate dear, put-upon mother to the gills all the livelong day. A morning cappuccino should get things rolling nicely, followed by a latte-for-laughs at noon and a quick shot of espresso to power through the dinner hour. Oh—and a big bottle of melatonin for later. Goodnight, dear. ($1999.99)
Actually, there’s a non-supplement sleep aid that doubles as a wireless speaker called the Yantouch Eye, which will simulate sunset and sunrise lighting to ease mamma mia in and out of her precious REM winks. The Eye also links to the old smartphone or tablet to stream music and pumps out a pulsing-to-the-beat light-show (via its HueDJ app). Pair up two Eyes for a credible stereo sound to go with the disco-era SFX. Yantouch is a Chinese company and dubs its product the “best for party, romantic lifestyle speaker.” Hard to argue with that kind of poetry.
Not to confine our fabulous omni-moms into galley-bondage, but here’s a cool unisex gadget called the Ankomn Savior, a non-electric, vacuum-sealing container that will marinate, store and extend the shelf-life of coffee (see above), spices or any organic substance that sees oxygen as the opposition party. A couple twists of the lid and you have an airtight seal in either the 1.5-quart or 2.5-quart versions—perfect for pistachios or pig’s feet. The Savior is even touted by demonic cannabis fanciers as the ideal storage device, not that Mom would allow that sort of behavior in her house! Mine did, but that’s another story altogether.
The cliché: Dad at his desk all day, Mom on her feet. Played. Sexist. So mid-century! But don’t let the PC police stop you from buying her a pair of foot-friendly Ecco kicks, as ergo-mom-ic (sorry) as they are fly-stylish. High-top sneakers are way too the rage these days, but Ecco’s black leather Soft 7’s are like Chuck Taylors built for actual walking, not just drinking espresso and reading Rod McKuen. The leather/suede uppers could pass for downright dressy, and the durable sole will do Mom right whether she’s in court or playing half-court hoops. Yeah, but can she go to her left? Aunt Hillary can! ($170) http://us.shop.ecco.com/
This might be the right time to upgrade Mom’s digital doodads with Samsung’s Gear S2 smartwatch. The S2 shames its predecessors with a navigable interface, black leather strap (among many options) and all-Android-friendliness (no longer need one have a companion Samsung smartphone). A touch-sensitive bezel surrounds the face, making function-jumping a breeze—dear Mama can go from monitoring her heartbeat to checking her water and caffeine intake like that. Chat, e-mail and phone calls can be executed with a wee finger-swipe, and it charges wirelessly on a handy little dock. Smartwatches are finally getting smart and not just gimmicky.
Free your digitally au courant mere from tapping on glass and get her a Bluetooth keyboard from Brydge, an inexpensive way to turn a humble tablet into a full-fledged laptop. With integrated speakers, a brushed-aluminum housing and back-lit keyboard, Brydge is keeping up with the Apples both stylistically and functionally. It weighs about a pound, has two hinges that grip your precious iPad for dear life, and the battery life is better than adequate. Congrats—Mother’s humble tablet is now a kissing cousin of the mini-MacBook Air at pennies on the buck!
Finally, what would dear mother’s beatific smile be without the Philips Sonicare DiamondClean electric toothbrush, which promises to clean, whiten and remove seven times more plaque than the hand-powered version. At 31,000 brushstrokes per minute, this gyrating dervish improves gum health and promises coruscating choppers within just two weeks of use. The Amethyst Edition is this year’s regal-looking model, and comes replete with a travel case and a charging unit attached to a cocktail glass, which mom can use to rinse after brushing with a nice cold splash of vodka, maybe? Hey, it’s been a long day!