Newsverse: Gone With the Windbags

By Jerry Adler

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Robert McDonnell, do hereby recognize April 2010 as CONFEDERATE HISTORY MONTH in our COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA, and I call this observance to the attention of all our
citizens—Proclamation by Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell.


Now I don’t know what country Bob McDonnell thinks he’s from.
The one that I was born in fought, in 1861,
A war for its survival, when Virginia tried to bolt.
And only barely won it, thanks to Grant and Samuel Colt.

I’m sure that Bob McDonnell is a patriotic sort
Who wouldn’t ever be accused of wanting to consort
With enemies who hate us and our sacred way of living
No terrorist should count on Bob McDonnell for forgiving.
Except, of course, for those who fought, away back in the day
In service of secession and against the USA.

Now I’m not one for waving flags, but can we set some ground rules?
It isn’t love of country that’s the last refuge of scoundrels.
It’s sentimental longing for a mythic past of bravery
(Careful to avoid the part that has to do with slavery.)
And those who don’t remember what their history has taught

Are out of luck, but better off than those forever caught
In daydreams of a long-lost world, with solemn invocations
Of ante-bellum life among the planters and plantations.

In New York where I come from we don’t cotton up to traitors
They get overcharged in restaurants and patronized by waiters
We shove them in the subways, elbow them in elevators
And drop them in the sewers to be eaten by the gators.

We’re patriot progressives, Yankee Doodle city slickers
And if we had a pickup truck, the bumpers would have stickers
With rifles, flags and Uncle Sam, and a Day-Glo “U.S.A.:
You Love It or You Leave It or Let’s Talk It Out, Okay?”

But I guess the rules are different where the kudzu casts its shade
And fighting your own countrymen can get you a parade
But all the rebel statuary doesn’t change the score:
Virginia, there’s no Santa Claus.  The South has lost the war.

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