Newsverse: Holy Wars

I. The Dream of Newt Gingrich

There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia. Newt Gingrich

Hi there, Bernie, how's Rebecca?
Nice to see you here in Mecca.
Always room for one more Jew.
Saudis need internists, too.
Nice of them to build this shul.
There's the rabbi! Hey, Abdul!
Come on over! Grab a beer!
Father Ahmed’s almost here!
He just got back with Chris and Alice
From singing carols at the palace.
The king turned into his good buddy,
They bonded over Bible study.
He says it helped him see the error
Of subsidizing Muslim terror.
Sincerely seeking to repent
Of all the money that’s been spent
On concubines and Cadillacs
He cut the kingdom’s income tax.
He’s writing a new constitution
And joined the Hoover Institution.

II. Only Debby Boone Can Save Us
Here's what's really behind the Temecula mosque according to [anti-mosque protest leader Diane] Serafin: America-hating imams are planning to build mosques “in every Christian city” so they can influence local politics, undermine our legal system and impose Sharia law on us all ... She's calling on people to bring their dogs and join in song tomorrow afternoon because, she told me, Muslims just hate dogs and songs. —Talking Points Memo, interviewing the organizer of a protest against a proposed mosque in Temecula, Calif.

Beware, take care, those minarets
Hide the imam's spinnerets
Spinning out a sticky thread
With which to trap the empty head
Of any careless Christian son
Who fails to keep his earphones on.
Who only yearns to give up sex
In favor of some ancient text,
Can hardly wait to get the chance
To drag his sister from a dance
Or stone his best friend's mom who goes
Out with men she hardly knows.
Whose burqa slipped and showed her nose.
Soon you'll see in your suburban
Town a guy with beard and turban
Maybe it's the ayatollah!
Ready, set, and—up Victrola!
Blast him back to San Francisco
With Christian rock and early disco!
Refudiate that Muslim thing
With Donna Summer, Cher and Sting!
He'll fold just like a soggy noodle
At one lick from your Labradoodle.
And just make sure your Toms and Tods
Don't leave home without iPods.