By Jerry Adler
When Patriots assemble in the land of golf and cactus
To show their love of freedom with a little target practice
And celebrate the stars and stripes, the flag that they hold dear.
You can tell they love their country by the things that they most fear.
These pistol-packing mamas and these rifle-toting pops—
If they see a Mexican, they want to call the cops.
They're forming a militia to protect their cul-de-sacs
From a government bureaucracy that's run by angry blacks
On welfare, with a secret plan to raise the income tax
In cahoots with all the billionaires who work at Goldman Sachs,
To pay for concentration camps for floggings and beheadings
Of ministers who won't agree to holding same-sex weddings.
They hate those crooks on Wall Street and those Wall Street corporations
Who ruined the economy—despite their protestations—
In a plot to have the Democrats impose more regulations.
Just like they do in England and those other foreign nations.
Where by the way when someone has a baby or takes ill
The government, those SOBs, is who must foot the bill.
A travesty that Patriots join loudly to condemn—
Why that's a threat to drown in debt, uhh ... Medicare. Ahem.
It's sad to see what's happened in the last two hundred years
How this bold and youthful nation has been overrun by fears
The Founding Fathers weren't ones to jump at every shadow
But modern-era Patriots are scared of Rachel Maddow.
And turn their backs on anything that's growing and transforming.
They're scared of almost everything. Except for global warming.