Newsverse: Rules to Live By

By Jerry Adler

Beware of brokers bearing bonds

Who only seek to game us.

Don't get caught with sexy blondes

If married, rich, and famous.


If you hear ticking, move your a--

Get far away and stay low.

Don't hang around if you smell gas

On an oil rig or volcano.


If you're a bird, I hope you've heard

About your beach vacation.

The gulf is like a giant turd

Cancel that migration!


Hew the straight and narrow path

And you'll stay out of trouble.

Except for gum, or in a bath

Don't get caught in a bubble.


Build your house up high beyond

Where rivers flood when storming.

Don't swim naked in a pond

In case of global warming.


Don't eat too many sour quinces

They're awful for your liver.

And don't put all your faith in princes

They'll sell you down the river.