Relying on Advanced Mathematical Formula, Chuck Norris Predicts McCain's Imminent Demise

On Friday, Stumper wrotethat Mike Huckabee superfan--or is it "Huckafan"?--Chuck Norris could be hurting his candidate of choice by appearing at nearly campaign stop, and that he may want to consider returning to his day job hawking Total Gym exercise equipment.

We take it back.

Not because the star of Sidekicks has suddenly become, like, relevant. Au contraire. Rather, after reading what Norris said yesterday during a fundraising barbecue on his Texas ranch, I've decided that Walker, Texas Ranger is just too ridiculous not to keep around.

Coupling his legendary command of advanced mathematics with his vast knowledge of human physiology, Norris told reporters that serving as president accelerates the aging process "three-to-one"--meaning that, according to his calculations, John McCain, now 71, will be dead by 2012.

"If John takes over the presidency at 72 and he ages three-to-one, how old will he be in four years? Eighty-four years old," Norris said, as Huckabee looked on. "That's why I didn't pick John to support, because I'm just afraid the vice president will wind up taking over his job within that four-year presidency."

A brilliant argument, Mr. Norris. Coincidentally, Huckabee, at 52, is the youngest candidate in the Republican field--and therefore the least likely to expire as a result of the office's "trebled" aging effect. I can see why you support him.

I do, however, have one quibble with your arithmetic. Assuming that your theorem is valid--and why wouldn't it be, really?--both Jimmy Carter and George H.W. Bush would now be 91 in "Chuck Norris years." That's older than 84--the age at which you predicted the mature Arizonan will croak. And reliable sources tell Stumper that Bush and Carter are still alive.

Not to mention the fact that Ronald Reagan was 93 ( la Norris) when he left office, and lived to be 109.

On the other hand, though, James K. Polk shuffled off this mortal coil at the tender Norris age of 63.

So you never can tell.

UPDATE, 11:15 a.m.: McCain kicks back, telling NBC's First Read, "I'm afraid that I might have to send my 95-year-old mother over and wash Chuck's mouth out with soap." Details of the pending cage match to come.