Today in Tabs: The American Dream

Occupy wall street
An Occupy Wall Street protester stands outside a barricade at Zuccotti Park in New York September 17, 2013 Shannon Stapleton/Reuters

Going from strength to strength, Justine Tunney, one of the leading voices of the Occupy Wall Street movement which, as you'll recall, has over the last two years put so many crooked bankers in jail and seen off the last dregs of an exploitative financial system that enriched a tiny few beyond any possible reason with the literal blood of ordinary hardworking Americans, has been getting headlines with a petition to install Google CEO Eric Schmidt as CEO of a new America, to be run as a corporation under the aegis of the tech industry. Never mind that there are almost as many headlines as signatures, nor that her erstwhile colleagues in Occupy don't seem too pleased with her lately nor that as a committed weev fan and current Google employee, Tunney might simply be trolling the hand that feeds her. Let's all just imagine the America that could be. The America we could build. Together. By giving up.

Jia Tolentino brings us the news that Anne Helen Petersen is leaving the horrible jobless soul-crushing hellscape of academia to write for Buzzfeed and get free Swedish fish every day. I imagine you all have a lot of questions about why anyone would make such an insane career move, so head right over to this interview because it's quite thorough. Petersen was responsible for the excellent "Jennifer Lawrence And The History Of Cool Girls" recently, which you should also read. Tolentino is responsible for the frankly disturbing "Who Will Join Me at Red Robin for a Wineshake" which you should probably not even consider reading because the surgery to have the part of your brain that is aware of Wineshakes removed is quite expensive. I checked.

American Enterprise Institute research assistant Caroline Kitchens somehow got Time to publish her opinion that "so-called" rape culture doesn't exist. This time she sock-puppets a quote from RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, to back up her case. You may remember Kitchens from the time she wrote the same article in US News back in October. I'm sure it will go over well this time too.

If America has a premiere dissident writer, it's Quinn Norton, who is the only person I know of that can so clearly demonstrate both her love for the American individual and her loathing for the American nation. But like Coleridge's "a thousand thousand slimy things," the American Dream lives on says Nitasha Tiku, picking up a detail from an odd but great report from an anarchic co-working space by Re/code's Nellie Bowles. Also living the American Dream is Chris Christie: the man, the hero, the comic book star. But... what is that on the limited edition cover?

A Partial List of Other People Living the American Dream: This climbing #teen, these partying #teens, these drunk women, ALAN CUMMING OMG, scooter riders at Staten Island's feminist skatepark, Jem and the Holograms who are finally getting the live-action movie we've all been waiting so long for, but probably not Lindsay Lohan, and definitely not the guy sucking toes at Wal*Mart.

Today in Money: Citibike is out of money, but fortunately Mt. Gox mysteriously found some! I think most of us probably have $115 million in an old wallet somewhere, right? That we forgot about? "I’m not a great fan of redistribution of wealth," is literally something Bernie Madoff just said on the record. And you won't have any money if you can't keep your job, so if you're planning to leak secrets about your company, maybe don't use your company's webmail product to do it?

Our Future Undersea Overlords: Tool-use in dolphins appears to be both terrifying and genetic. Also this:

No, no, no, no, no

Have a Nice Weekend!

How to Make EDM Festival Videos 1000 Times Better: Replace the music with "Yakety Sax"

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Today in Tabs was a bit of a tab myself yesterday. You can always find us on Newsweek and subscribe to the email. Special thanks today to Janet Paskin. It's showtime, Synergy!