The local pizza/bowling place takes customer submissions for their menu covers. It's all children's drawings except pic.twitter.com/oCPShWb7hY— Christina (@cdive) April 4, 2014
Hello. I am Jessie Guy-Ryan, the steely governess your absentee father, Rusty, has hired to provide you with tabs today despite my mysterious background and unsettling night terrors. Rusty is off doing the things Mainers like to do on their days off: debating the wind, harvesting the tears of trees, and praying to the lobster god Clixckstx. Let's begin.
Former terrible President and current outsider artist George W. Bush was interviewed by his daughter on the Today show this morning, where he debuted some new portraits of other world leaders and the fact that Vladimir Putin “dissed” his dog.
TechTabs: The best part of our outrage news cycle is you never quiiiite know if you’ve hit peak outrage yet, but we might have reached it today in the story of Mozilla CEO Brendan Eich’s resignation. Andrew Sullivan is very disappointed in all of us for driving this rich man with reprehensible views to humiliating public penitence and ritual suicide quit his job and delete his Twitter, as is Ben Moskowitz, whose argument I find particularly odd. William Saletan is...something, that’s for sure. Choire responds appropriately.
I like how at-will employment and arbitrary termination become crises when they happen to a wealthy executive.— Ned Resnikoff (@resnikoff) April 4, 2014
In other tech news, It's International Anti-Street Harassment Week, so naturally dick-vid-sharing made a FTL jump into the future with the release of direct messaging or Vining or whatever in Vine. TechCrunch points out the default existence of an "Other" inbox where anyone can send Vines to you, because of Brands, but ultimately accepts that this wonderful function can be disabled, should you not want random genitalia or six second Tide ads in your life. The US Patent Office continues to bravely refuse to allow Google to trademark the word "Glass" in reference to Google Glass. Google's argument in favor is apparently 1) we used a fancy font (see the fancy PDF provided by the WSJ which I thought was going to be the full trademark filing but nope!) and 2) we don't want to have to call it "Google Glass," just ignore the fact that no one will ever just call it "Glass" because there are many, many more common everyday objects that we already call by that name. Bloomberg titles an article "Six Things You Need to Know About ATMs and the Windows XP-ocalypse" and then proceeds to tell us that there is no Windows XP-ocalypse, in some truly impressive click-baiting of your technophobic grandpa and NWO-style paranoid uncle.
i took these lizards, these frogs, these turtles, and i gave them hair. by glueing it to them. i fixed gods mistake and you judge me for it?— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) April 4, 2014
It's Funny How We All Have to Pretend We Care About Shows That None of Us Actually Watch: David Letterman is retiring next year! The world waits with bated breath to learn which straight white man will replace him! Vice has a nice round-up of comedians reflecting on what made Letterman great, which would be fantastic to focus on rather than who his replacement will be. Remember when Chris Elliott lived in the studio? Remember Harvey Pekar? Good times.
Today in MASSIVE DISAPPOINTMENTS: Deadline and then io9 troll us to oblivion by describing a movie being produced by Animal Planet as "Moby Dick but from the whale's perspective" but it is most definitely not:
Based on true events, this two-hour film tells one of history's greatest stories of survival at sea, which inspired Herman Melville's Moby Dick. Emmy and Golden Globe Award winner Martin Sheen portrays Old Thomas Nickerson, who tells a story of his life as a cabin boy on the ill-fated voyage of the whaling ship the Essex.
That's a movie based on a story that inspired Moby Dick, and it is from Martin Sheen's perspective. The internet is lies. Thankfully, the Yellowstone super-volcano is going to teach all of us a lesson.
Ok, Jimmy Johns, you did a good job with this. pic.twitter.com/FHJpRDCRSu— Cabel Sasser (@cabel) April 3, 2014
Speaking of lies, a follow-up from yesterday’s James Franco tabs: it seems he has a new movie out soon, about an older man taking an inappropriate interest in a teenage girl. Hmmmmmm. Never forget: when it’s not the outrage news cycle, it’s the hoax news cycle.
That's it! This garbage week is over. Go outside tomorrow! Wear your fancy lightning belt buckle to a party. Dress like a farmer FROM THE FUTURE or a mattress from the garbage and catch a mangy raccoon. Go on a 90’s dating show. Challenge your friends to a contest to see who is the best at walking. Read some things, like Sara Benincasa’s excellent essay on mental illness, the late night phone calls of Syrian extremists, or look at a collection of Anja Niedringhaus’ photographs in light of her tragic shooting. There's a lot of TV on Sunday; personally I am most excited for Veep but Richard Lawson can bring you up to speed on Game of Thrones, if you need it.
I will go out on the moors in the early evening fog, never to be seen again. But in the night when you are alone in the dark, you'll see a movement in the corner of your eye and you'll know.
Today’s Song: “Heaven” by Pure X
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Today in Tabs is brought to you by Newsweek and email. You can follow your guest-tabber @ex_liontamer or your regular tabber @rustyk5 or @TodayinTabs and send tips to email@example.com. Hi, this is Rusty, not writing Tabs today was amazing, I feel like I just took a six week vacation to the South of France wheeeeeee see you Monday!