When we look back at the 2016 presidential race, bloody, beaten, much less innocent than we are now (as implausible as that might seem), we will identify this NY Times Magazine cover as the official beginning of the campaign season. As a Somalia-like anarchy run by various newsroom warlords, the NY Times Magazine's bizarre Planet Hillary cover should come as no surprise really, since extreme libertarianism often prefigures problems that are on the way for more organized societies, like starvation, pandemic disease, and really weird graphics.
Today in Diseased Cannibal Rats: Is there a Soviet ghost ship full of cannibal rats headed for the UK? Of course not. Everything is a hoax and this is no exception. But if there exists a better metaphor for every organization I can think of than "an abandoned luxury ship full of vermin feeding off other vermin" I don't know what it is. Clearly there's a deeper truth here. In other diseased vermin news: vile revenge-porn entrepreneur and alleged human being Hunter Moore was arrested on federal hacking charges. Spherical Canadian drug vacuum Rob Ford was late to a speech because he got stuck in an elevator for one of the approximately seventeen million hours that the world needs him to be stuck in an elevator. Non-spherical Canadian drug vacuum Justin Bieber was arrested for street racing his Lambo in Miami while drunk and high, singlehandedly ruining Twitter for the whole day. Snorting Smarties is probably the only thing Bieber and Ford haven't tried yet. J/k of course they have.
Today in Privilege: Sarah Kendzior ties together the Kellers, Grantland and "Dr. V", Richard Cohen, and the Tiger Mom's racist new book in a sort of Unified Theory of Tabs for Al Jazeera.
Matt "Why Should I Care?" Yglesias is reportedly leaving Slate for Ezra Klein's new vanity blog, which is really shaping up to be a one-stop shop for all the best writers to ignore. Best of luck to him and I look forward to never stumbling across another word of his!
The New Republic posted perhaps the most cringe-inducing personal profile I've ever read about "TV's Biggest Fanboy" Brian Stelter. "In 1996, at age 11, he started a fan site dedicated to "reporting" on [Goosebumps]." It doesn't get any easier to read after that.
Neiman Marcus hack worse than reported, to no one's surprise. Choire on writing is always worth paying attention to, and those eyes are so dreamy. A Friends thinkpiece, because we sure needed that. A pretty legit excuse for not immediately dealing with a pull request. Scocca on Grantland. Fallon Fox on Grantland. Child swarms are no joke. Are you ready for .ninja?
Today's Improbable Collaboration: Calvin Harris, Irvine Welsh, Jay Z and Will Smith make a sitcom
Today's Inevitable Eschatology: Renaissance Apocalyptic Art Rediscovered
~And if I don't get what I want when I want it then it will be tabs before bedtime.~
Today in Tabs was kind of scattershot today, sorry. I'm still a little off my game from traveling. But it feels good to be back. You may read us on Newsweek.com where the staff, I'm told, has managed to get out of their homes at last, or by email. Pro tip: if you ever meet me in person, "I open your tabs!" is kind of a weird thing to say. Have a good weekend, and close a tab for the homies.